Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

First Time?

 Hello!

You'll see this a lot on here.  It has to be one of my
favourite and most inspiring images.
Welcome to my corner of the internet, a place I grandiosely believe will be engaging and interesting to people such as you, dear reader, reading this page. This is a replacement of my old introduction because, well, things have rather changed.

Happinessthis blogstarted out simply as a place to record my feelings about my cross-dressing, and rapidly became a pretty standard journal type blog where I recorded my life for no real reason other than to record things I thought I might forget later. If you would like to know where to start then may I suggest two monster posts detailing my first experiences with cross-dressing and romance, two recurring themes.

But then it turned into an ongoing complicated narrative about my marriage, my relationship to cross-dressing and, ultimately, a divorce. For a while I assumed I was Genderqueer as I clearly didn't fit easily into boxes. And, well, I assumed that I was masculine on some level - one of the earliest questions on this blog was "where does that leave masculinity and me?"


This is one of my favourite images too
because she seems so free of inhibitions

But this was a lie. Not an intentional one, nor one I even knew that I was making. I have spent most of my life to this point deliberately avoiding looking too hard at myself because of what I suspected may be lurking there. It was this festering ball of blackness and darkness that I averted my gaze from as much as I was able that ate away at me, that tainted everyting I touched and now threatens to undo any of the things I have done in my life because... well, society turns out to have real problems with it.

Since divorcing and moving into my own house in 2021 and having the time and mental space, and learning that I was autistic in 2017 (and thus giving myself permission to tell society to fuck off), I bothered to look at what I kind of thought was at the centre of my identity. Sure enough, I found what I had suspected and avoided for as long as I could. I unwittingly wrote it all in a post here, Confluences where I explained that I couldn't really be trans.

<insert hollow laughter sound effect>

So, it turns out I am a trans-woman. Maybe I have always known on some level. I might also be a trans-lesbian in that I have thought about it and I have no attraction to men or masculinity, sorry, but it really doesn't 'do it' for me. I like women, like, a lot. I am mostly fine with having a penis too, but seem to like having it all caged up.

You can call me whatever you like, to be honest, but the name I use here is Joanna. Why? My parents once told me that they had the name 'Joanne' planned if I had turned out to be a girl. Both parents have since refuted that they did any such thing, so I don't know. However, I took a liberty and changed the 'e' to an 'a' because I thought it sounded more 'girly'. However, after starting this place I remembered that my ex used to call me Bex, and that's a nice name too (short for Rebecca).  It's what I posted as at Rachel's Haven when I was active there for an all too brief time back in 2012-4. On GetDare you can find me as Connie (but I haven't posted there since 2020, and not regularly since around 2019) but you will also see that this place is my place to be honest and truthful.

This is my favourite imaginary friend whom I believe created
the Universe. He's saying Hi.

I am Christian, Church of England flavoured, and pretty low as far as religion goes. I am very very bad at being a good Christian (as in, follower of Christ - I suck at meeting people where they are, being accepting and forgiving people. I try, I do, but recognise that I am not as good as I ought to be). Oh, and I'm happy with science, evolution, globes, space flight, social justice, and so on and so forth.

I also have a definite fascination with kink and all that is entailed by that. (What, you hadn't figured that out already? I'm not working hard enough).

I'm a fangirl of the Pet Shop Boys (sorry), EDM and a bit of a geek generally.  I also love visuals, which is why I joined Rachel's Haven and seemingly why I checked out sites that are really NSFW like Limited Audience.  I am, of course, a fan of fictionmania (who isn't) and also frequent stuff like Mind Control Stories because I have a fascination with hypnosis and people doing things that they want to do but without really having the ability not to do it.  Call it forced feminisation if you must or even BDSM.  However, I am also fascinated by infantilism and bondage generally.

And there you have it. Welcome and thank you for reading if you have made it this far. I do a lot of wall of text posting and sometimes I may have something of interest to say, most of the time I write to record things so that I can look back later and see what I was missing about my own feelings at the time I was writing about them. It comes with the territory of ASD.

Stick around if you feel you can, feel free to comment anything anywhere on this blog. What can I say, I like the attention.

2 comments:

  1. Just found your blog and it looks very interesting! I hope to follow you.

    Best to you on your journey,
    Janina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to you, Janina!

      I hope that it is indeed interesting and that I can justify your kind words. Thank you!

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!