Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

The Story So Far

Welcome to my blog dear new reader!


What can I tell you? Well, first of all, check out my Visitor's Guide for basic information about the author of this here blog. I have only one real link for you here, and that is the one to find all the posts that I have tagged as 'New Readers' because they sum me up and sum up the sort of thing that this blog is about. It's not really a cross-dressing blog so don't expect too many posts detailing what I'm wearing (insert nervous laughter) or exploits when dressed.

The Story so Far to try and explain where you join things:

The first mention I can confirm of wanting to cross-dress was a carefully coded reference in a diary I kept at age 11 about Quantum Leap. the next is much more explicit but in actual code when I was 16, after I had clearly read a story in an issue of Forum magazine (a 'reader's letters' style porno) about a man who cross-dresses and ends up in a relationship with a domme nurse after being hit by a bus.

At University I dressed in knickers for the first time in my first year - they had been sent as a trick by some floor-mates to try and split me up with Terry (my first girlfriend), never did find out why. I purged, obviously, relatively quickly. I found fictionmania around the same time and learned terms like transgender from there. I was 'clocked' as a cross-dresser (never having dressed) and encouraged to come out, but I refused and shut that closet door as tightly as I could manage at the time.

At 24 I ended up in a relationship with Toby, my second girlfriend, that started after she opined I would look good in a dress. She eventually convinced me to try one and then we ended up going out around New Year's. I attended her birthday in February dressed as a schoolgirl, at a goth club, and enjoyed being out and about en femme. We went out as a couple with me dressed one more time, she had a dream where she introduced me to people as Rebecca and herself as Toby (hence the name here) but no more dressing was done. She split up with me after six months, citing my embarrassing dressing as one of the myriad causes.

I realised that cross-dressing was about more than being subversive and fun. I 'came out' as much as I was able to Terry and Catherine in or around 2005. I asked that they 'keep me straight' by outing me to any future relationships to ensure I was honest with them. Later that year Catherine and I conspired to allow me to cross-dress at her house-party for people we both knew from University - plausible deniability was in full effect.

After turning 26 I met Tilly, told her about my cross-dressing (backed up by Catherine later), and we ended up getting married two years later after having our daughter. In July 2011 I confessed, again, my cross-dressing to Tilly and got her to actually pay attention this time - after four years - which resulted in her reacting with disgust and anger. I started this blog in December that year using events from the October. We had had a second child, the Boy, by that point too.

A failed purge and moved house later, we ended up in a new place in 2013. There was a partial thaw between us in 2015, but this rapidly turned sour though I convinced myself that I was not really trans* but just genderqueer. By this point I had learned a lot more than I knew at 24 or at 28. Or even in 2011. This sufficed as I was diagnosed with ASD in December 2017, around the time of The Discussion and followed by The Concession. Alas, it was all in vain. Tilly couldn't cope with my being a cross-dresser and having ASD, it was too much. I moved out in November 2020 and the divorce was finalised in July 2021.

It was in April of 2021 that I had a bit of a realisation. And that... well, perhaps it should have come earlier. It was followed by my watching of Trans: A Coming Out Story which I relate here. I attended my first in person meeting of a support group (well, my first ever support group) at the start of July 2021, here; and then I outed myself at my favourite local vegan gaming cafe here. I also started coming out at work here and am looking towards at least a social transition. Who knows what the future will bring? It's living as a trans-woman, isn't it?


Dramatis Personae to try and explain some of the people you will likely meet here:


Tilly
She was my long-suffering wife, and we are now working through a divorce as amicably as these things can go. She is much happier now, MUCH happier. We met online and we hit off on our first meeting. I couldn't believe she was so clever (got a better degree than me) and beautiful. She thought me 'manly' and domineering, which she hated but was also attracted to. She took it upon herself to deal with my 'anger issues', perhaps successfully, and told me that I made her a better person all round but, in the process, we no longer had any passion for one another because we are sexually incompatible, and always were.

We argued, she moved in with me, she got depressed, I dealt with it badly. I changed job for her, I got worse, she withdrew through pregnancy following a miscarriage. We argued some more. She got pregnant again through my actions, she had another awful pregnancy. She had a better birth experience. She got depressed, horribly depressed, and this pushed me over the edge. She lamented my selfishness at getting depressed at the same time as her, I can see where she was coming from, and punished me for it as much as she could. She got better. I didn't. We never mended all of that. Recently we had a third child, something she wanted and I did not. Our relationship is now no more than being friends.


Miss Warrington (aka Harry)
Colleague at work with whom I get on quite well. Divorced and has one child from Her previous marriage. Now with a new bloke and very happy. Reminds me very much of me in terms of work rate and approach to work generally, but me from before meeting Tilly, back when I was a decent personification of my role. Since a dare I took on sometime in 2019 I 'silently sub' for Her and She seems to like it. She knows about my recent realisation that I am a trans-woman, indeed, She was the first to find out because She sort of guessed it.


Indy
A good friend from my University days of whom I was insanely jealous when they cross-dressed for a barcrawl whilst I was off at another university doing an MA or perhaps it was earlier in a holiday. I don't know. I saw the photos and, whilst I did not think they could pass, I did rather get jealous of the fact that they had done it. This was before I had cross-dressed at all but it was after I had read most of what fictionmania had to offer. A sensible head on their shoulders, a relationship that works well for them with two children. Therapy worked well for them and in a big way, but increasingly I feel that their advice to get a therapist of my own is... aimed at someone I am not. Way more understanding than I give them credit and I was shocked to discover that I was counted as a good friend a year or two after I granted them access to this blog. Not sure they still read, to be honest.


Catherine
A friend from University. She is married with her own child of similar age to my Girlie and friends with Tilly too. She's a little competitive, a little scary when got going. She had previously encouraged my cross-dressing and found it somewhat fascinating. We share a birthday but that's about it. She's nice, she seems happy with her life, mostly, and she was someone I thought safe enough to 'come out' to after splitting with my mad-ex. I haven't spoken to her properly since 2013 but I did get in contact in 2021 with a link to this place. So, I guess, one of those who know IRL and who was very supportive and friendly generally.


Toby
My mad-ex, which is rather unfair. A she. She had a dream once where she was introducing herself as Toby and me as Rebecca. We both liked it at first. But I was crap and selfish and eventually she lost interest. The insane thing is that we stayed together for as long as six months, not that we ended up splitting up. There was no 'win condition' but I didn't exactly help. She complimented my feminine features like my legs and my brunette hair, she refused to call it brown, and my overall weakness. It was this latter point that eventually convinced her I wasn't worth the trouble of dating, which is fair. I thought I loved her, I'm fickle like that. Haven't spoken to her since 2012 and... yeah.


Jeremy
Old school-friend who was always the leader of the group of friends of which I was the hanger on. He, Tim and I were the three main characters of our own story. He and Tim had been friends a long while before we became friends. Now Jeremy was the last of us to get married and the second of us, after myself, to have children (Tim was first to marry). Jeremy should also know, I almost told him many times during school about my wish to dress in female clothes (keep in mind I didn't dress at all 'til University in 1998) but I'm not sure if he ever twigged or cared. He was in the Navy, now retired, and loves his family a great deal. I am the safe person for him to be, well, a little more emotional - which is a great honour I do not take lightly.


Tim
As mentioned above, my other school-friend. He is more boisterous these days than Jeremy and I had thought him the better of my two friends that I had. So he was my Best Man. Displaying my usual lack of character judging I failed - he would have made a much better godfather for the Boy than Jeremy does and, conversely, Jeremy would have made a better Best Man than Tim. Not that there is any issue with Tim, he was there for me throughout the six tumultous months of my relationship with Toby, the issue lies with me for basically being a tool in knowing people. He knows that I have dressed, voluntarily, but whether he knows the extent of this is unknown. He is married and with his own children.


Kirsten
She's a friend from University. Married and with a child not much younger than our Girlie. She guessed that I could be a transvestite at a time when I'd only dressed in one pair of knickers ever. At the time she was dating the man who would eventually become her husband, there was never a chance of a relationship (not that either of us would have wanted one either). I was too scared to admit it but she seemed like she would have been supportive but it wasn't to be. We, instead, fell out for a whole host of reasons and maintained a kind of Cold War detente for the next decade. We remain vaguely friends and her husband was, and remains, more of a mate. For some bizarre reason I was their Best Man, a job at which I failed miserably, and they are decent people. Kristen is one of the nicest people you can meet and I remain shit at being a friend to her, but hey, what can you do? Her husband was and remains a good friend, by the way, but doesn't turn up in this here blog... at all.


Veronica
A trans-woman I know at my favourite local vegan gaming cafe who has been very taken with the idea that I am trans. Friendly, keen to be supportive and also with ASD, she can be a 'bit much' at times but not in a bad way. I kinda look up to her on many levels as she was able to realise herself much earlier than I, come out to much support and then begin a journey involving hormones and NHS support early enough that recent political and funding changes didn't delay it. I'll be honest, I view this as being more a surface-level acquaintance because I do that and remain irrationally private in most of my dealing with the outside world.


Mother
Me Mum. She remarried, a year after Tilly and I married after our whirlwind romance with one of her own. She has issues, many issues. I told her about my cross-dressing desires back in 1999 but she dismissed them and had to be re-informed in October 2018 when I leaned on her for support as my marriage burned. Her husband is now dead from cancer (summer 2018) which means we often support one another. Her mother died in 2012 and her father had something like Alzheimer's or Dementia. The point is that she was the main caregiver until he died in 2020 (not from Covid). It is highly likely that it is from her that I gained my ASD diagnosis and that it comes through the maternal line in her own background. Oh, she's one of the other people who I know face-to-face who I have told about my realisation that I am properly trans, though she tends to think that I am not ASD, or, rather, not autistic as it carries certain connotations and struggles with the idea that I am trans, which is fair I guess because how can you explain something like that? I recently passed on the link to this place to her, so "Hi Mum!"


Father
Good old Pater. He left us for a younger woman back in the day, just about when I would have started dating but this event meant that I became even worse at the whole thing. Combined with hormones I became a horrible son for him, and he felt he deserved it. I inherit my martyr complex from him and also gain much of my guilt from his actions and the way he fathers. I hope to be better than him as a father, but I suspect I am worse. I told him about my cross-dressing and he was professionally concerned but no more. This would have been about 2014. He's retired now, on a six-figure pension, and, in his words, "gets by". His view on trans people is that it is a 'trend' to 'get attention' and that such people are almost exclusively narcissistic, thus he is not one of the people that know about me in real life. Again, he means well, and would never go out of his way to say any of his thoughts to a trans person, he just, you know, doesn't think they exist in any real sense. If he met someone with pronouns that differed from their presentation he would totally use them, and with charm and grace, because he is a charming man. You don't get to be as successful as he was in the things he did (and does, to be fair) without also being charming and polite. Lots of women I know confess to finding him charming and attractive, even now, so... there's that.

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