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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 22 October 2021

What I Want

May I take a moment and be unrealistic, selfish and a bit of an ass?

On my way out yesterday.
Alas, I do not have those glasses.

Thank you.

As ever, the challenge is: what do I want? It is the perennial question asked by anyone who tries to help, be they a therapist, a good person or a friend. And it is the one I have always struggled with. However, having mulled a bit on the question as applied to my journey forward as a trans person, I think I have some answers that, whilst unrealistic and selfish, are at least honest.

1. I want not to have to shave. Or, rather, not as much. On my face I mean. I want to have less hair on my chin, an end to stubble (I don't get much but it is more than those blessed with a girlhood rather than a boyhood and all that entails regarding hormones and puberty).

2. I want to be able to wear a dress or skirt to work, to a party, out to the fucking shops, when I please and without raising eyebrows. Indeed, to have the option to wear sensible shoes with a slight heel or tights or socks, you get the idea. I want to be able to 'code female' enough that people literally don't care if I dress a bit femme or go trousers and a jacket.

3. I want breasts. That's it, just breasts. I'd prefer them to be mine rather than surgically enhanced and I can't explain this at all. I don't want to play with them, I don't want to fondle them, I just want breasts. I admit it: I always have. There's nothing rational about this at all. They would be mine, and I would look after them, care for them and check for lumps. That's it.

3a. I want to wake up in a morning, in my nightie, and come to with breasts hanging on me. Just to know that they are there and feel complete.

4. I want sex where I'm not bothered about my penis. You know? I like how it feels, I do, and I like it when people touch it and play with me - not my penis, with me - so that I can play back. If I don't have to see the penis that would be a bonus. The objective for me has been to have a fun time and not worry about whether or not I finish, safe in the knowledge that we have a couple of hours (or, rather, we both of us want to play, I have children, I get it, we don't get hours). That was the attraction with Toby, it really was, there was no rush - no urge to go anywhere. I loved it when she went all the way with my hands and just... yeah. She could do stuff back but that was never the point. And I liked that.

5. Honestly: just giving someone an orgasm would be fine.

6. I want to be loved, yeah, I want just a little respect. I just want to be loved. Tell me what's wrong, with that?

Huh, when I thought of this post I thought the list would be wilder, longer and more ridiculous. Reading it back, despite my best efforts, it seems restrained and... well, anti-climatic.

A bit of FaceApp again, still on the way
out to meet the family.

There was joy, there was fun, there were
crowds capable of spreading COVID.

All in all, a pretty good night.
However, this is not what I shall be saying to the GP when I have my appointment to discuss gender issues on Monday. Oh, yeah, I booked an appointment back in September, drunk on the feeling of that first couple of days back when I came out to more people and enjoyed that feedback that was positive and lovely. And it was. It has continued to be so from those people. No, I shall focus on the experiential and the focus will firmly be on how the dysphoria has affected my life, what it has stopped me doing and why I need to be referred to a GIC. I shall try and explain living knowing that my whole presentation is off and not right to someone who has never experienced it and do so with the right attack on mood. Or, maybe, I shall go off-script and simply report the euphoria of wearing a blouse, the comfort of a bra and sleeping with stuffed bra in a nightie - how it has almost doubled my REM sleep and restful sleep over the last few months compared to any other point in my life.

I accidentally wore my glasses answering the door to Tilly tonight when she came to pick the youngest up to take him home. I've been wearing them around the children since the time I mentioned it here (last week?) and I just forgot I was wearing them. Apparently my coming out to her was a genuine shock, we discussed this yesterday evening, and the fact that I hadn't realised was pretty indicative of our relationship, she was also deeply shocked when I was diagnosed as ASD. She'd been thinking about the implications. The only one she shared was would I need to be called 'Mummy' by the children, to which I was able to assure her that, no, 'Daddy' was fine and no one said that role had to be filled by a bloke. We briefly discussed coming out to the children: Tilly would prefer we wait until after surgery or hormones or whatever, or after that, only revealing when I had to. I did ask. When I suggested that I meant earlier she countered "there you go again, you asked my opinion and then instantly came back at it - why not just say what you think?" Maybe she has a point.

On one thing we agreed, the Middlest will be the toughest of the three to navigate through this transition. Honestly, though, I don't have a timeline or end-point in mind. Apart from the breasts and dressing points above, I mean, they are genuine (if unrealistic) aim points. I realise that the hair on chin thing will take longer and be expensive, like really expensive, and will likely not ever really be done. Hell, the breasts thing will likely never happen. I'm 41, I don't have a decade or so to wait and I can't afford to go private on the hormones. I'm never likely to code female enough to not raise eyebrows when dressed - I remember the laughing man on the way to my favourite local gaming vegan cafe back in July - and so... yes, these are unrealistic and potentially self-defeating goals. Points 4-6 are simply beyond my reach, and perhaps always have been.


  1. "...it seems restrained..."

    They're also, IMO, very personal and I think that takes a lot of courage to share.

    As to never never, maybe you'd be surprised on what hormone treatment can do and while it's not miraculous, it does - not to be Master of the Obvious - change you. Mentally and physically.... or so I'm told by friends who've gone that route.

    1. I have to say, I like your way of saying 'over-sharing' and 'slightly inappropriate for a public forum' better than mine! 😀

      Thank you for the reassurance though. It seems quite implausible right now. Thank you.

    2. Umm, I wasn't aiming for 'over sharing', apologies if that's how things came through. I did mean the bit about the courage required for honesty.

      Words and language, humbug! 🙂

    3. You have no reason to apologise! I was playing with language in order to be deliberately obtuse for laughs. My brand of self-deprecation translates poorly to the written word.

      Having watched 'Arrival' last night I can appreciate my lack of clarity and the difficulty of conveying tone!

      Seriously (the word missing as a connective in my initial comment above) though, it means a great deal to me that you came back to clarify even though you didn't have to!


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!