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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Thursday, 2 September 2021

Walter's Sense of Morals

I like this shot.

A vision of the future?
It was the first day back at work today after the summer. And, well, it did not go at all as I expected it to go, but not in a bad way. Also, I kept using a phrase that is a variation, I realised belatedly, of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, to whit: "I know my direction of travel and current position but not my velocity."

Miss Warrington already knew.

I put my hair up in the shower this morning, I'd washed it yesterday and didn't want it wet and drying on my first day back. Having bought a white long-sleeved t-shirt and some rather fetching pink pin-stripe black work trousers to go with my jacket yesterday afternoon (and taken some photos of which I am a bit proud) and having slept soundly in my nightie and stuffed bra I was reluctant to let go of the summer. I had bought some ankle socks, blue but for ladies (they have white hearts on them, small detail), and so I donned a pair, my usual knickers, my pink (but abused looking after I washed it with my new black jeggings) bralette and wondered about the day ahead. I eschewed mascara after a bit of an internal struggle but kept the alice band (you can see that in the accompanying images) and debated glasses instead (I did not wear them). I put on a purple shirt and my hunting trousers from back in 2018 or 2019 (I can't remember, I posted about it). Then I ensured I had everything and off I went.

This is my favourite, however.

Honestly, comfortable pose there.
In my laptop bag I had the planner I ummed and ahhed over at the start of the holidays, with the details filled in with my non-disguise name. During the morning briefing (after a bunch of stuff that I shan't relate here, it's boring) I spied my Union Representative and realised that, well, with my realisation that I was going to have to take action I was also going to have to let her know in case I needed Union support in the future. My Union are pretty dang good when it comes to QUILTBAG (I'm going to make this a thing) issues and so at the very least I owed it to my Rep to let her know (she has previously been very supportive before she was a Rep back when she was in the Department). Thus it was that I spent a good long part of my morning building up to this - in the meantime I had a discussion with Miss Warrington, who asked after my trans-ness. Long story short, I answered Her question from the curry-night: yes, I wanted to fully transition, even if I didn't yet know what that would mean.

Thus it was that I ended up talking to my Union Rep. I had intended it to be a quick: "hi, head's up, I'm trans and I plan to transition but not yet. Nothing changes yet, thought you should know, just in case. Bye!" But it wasn't. She was very supportive, encouraging and seemed to think this meant I could turn up Monday in a dress. I assured her things weren't moving that quickly, explained the issues about waiting times etc (why I hadn't made a move there yet) and how I couldn't afford to go private. It was a positive, almost uplifting, conversation. No, I lie, it was uplifting, not almost. She offered congratulations, I didn't know what to do with that, I mean... congratulations?

The most 'natural' of the set, to my mind.

Okay, so I like them all.
I then sought someone I know in a senior position, in whom I have previously confided about my cross-dressing, because, well, she deserved to know in case it came out elsewhere. She was immediately all smiles and interrupted before I'd finished my rehearsed tale with "Congratulations! I thought you were looking better! I'm so pleased for you!" It was another very uplifting, encouraging, conversation. Luckily, shorter than the one with my Union Rep (otherwise I'd've got nothing done) but I really wasn't expecting the genuine warmth and happiness for me.

Then I told my boss, Alice, and he said he had suspected something along those lines last term. He couldn't put his finger on what exactly, but something meant that he wasn't surprised. He warned me that, while he wasn't saying I should do anything or not unless I wanted to or not, I should probably realise that things wouldn't be easy at work. It wouldn't be easy, it may not be rewarding, and I should only proceed with the utmost caution. Obviously he would support me, both as a friend and officially (and was he allowed to know officially? Yes), but he was keen to say that it probably wouldn't be easy-going. I explained the extent to which things would not be easy, including the inevitable headlines in the Daily Heil (I mean the Daily Mail, hate-rag extraordinaire, whose non-dom billionaire owner's father, then owner, once ran a headline in 1938: "Hurrah for the Blackshirts!" about the NSDAP in Danzig - his son has never commented but positively on his father's political views). Alice listened, nodded, "yes, that sort of thing." It was all said with a smile, but the warmth wasn't there as in other conversations - at least, I didn't feel it.



The app hasn't messed with this one, this
is as life-like as you're likely to get.

I still like it.
At the end of the day we had a rearranged staff social from the end of the last year when it had been put off due to rising Covid cases in the area. There was someone in whom I had confided about family stuff during the Lockdown (the first one) and I had noticed had got new glasses (which were fire) and I wanted to make sure I had properly complimented her on them. So, I spied her, and did. And then she asked about my summer. I dissembled and she pushed: "you're looking really cool, with that hair and hairband, and so happy. No, seriously, what happened over summer? How's the love-life? Is it that?" I tried again to dissemble. "Honestly, you should be snapped up! How can you be struggling dating?" So I told her how. "Oh!" she said, "That's wonderful! Congratulations!" And then there was another conversation about how this was "my time" and how happy she was for me.

Finally, and by now my head was spinning despite plenty of inter-cut conversations with other people that weren't about this... uh- about my trans-ness, though Miss Warrington laid a huge amount of groundwork about glare cancelling glasses with other colleagues after ascertaining that I had indeed bought some over the summer. Basically paving the way for me to come in them tomorrow I guess.

Better lit. Crazed. Tee rendered as blurred.
I got talking to another colleague who has previously been in this blog (did I ever give her a pseudonym? I can't recall, she's friends with Miss Warrington). She'd been trying to talk to me all day. During Lockdown I had been in the right place at the right(?) time to be supportive and helpful to her. We were friends before that, but that incident drove the point home that she saw me as 'safe' and 'a friend'. Both of which are genuinely peak achievements for me. Anyway, she was keen to ask me about my summer: "You're looking very relaxed and happy," she began, "and I never realised how tall you were!" Huh? "Oh, well, usually you walk all," she mimed being hunched over, "and now you're like, well, standing tall. It's nice. Good summer then?" So I told her too and, before I could finish my, by now well-worn, story she beamed: "Oh, that's brilliant! I'm so pleased! I did wonder back in summer with your hair; I thought: either he's made a decision or it'll be gone before the end of term. I must have like a radar or something. Oh! I want to hug you but you don't seem to be the sort who likes being hugged, Congratulations! I'm just so pleased for you!" It was, again, a very encouraging and genuinely warm conversation.

Home: I feel very... well, obviously I change (blue jeggings, new long-sleeved white t-shirt, favourite pink tee, glasses) and then... I did not expect to have the day I had. Five people in a day. Only that trip to my favourite local vegan game cafe exceeds that splash damage. I guess that's progress? I feel like I was making sure I couldn't go back on things and, well, I guess I can't now. And Miss Warrington knows my name. Okay, that's quite enough for now.

Can it really be that I am not terribly far
from this being a viable ensemble for work?

4 comments:

  1. Happy news indeed. I hope things go as well as they can for you. ❤️

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I think the biggest thing here is how much I totally didn't plan any of this and then it just... happened. Looks like I *am* moving toward at least social transition (that last image is on my Pinterest as 'work' and was saved back in 2017...).

      Also, saw you got featured by t-central - which, well, of course!

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    2. I think it's been said at the group, that someone should go as far as they are comfortable. If they want to back off a little, reflect, and do things differently: it's fine. Each person's needs are as unique as they are. Do what works for you ­čÖé

      T Central? Calie does a grand job running that site, IMO.

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    3. I agree with the sentiment. I was musing on this last night - I went on a long walk - and, well, yes. I think... It's no surprise that I am comfortable, the only surprise, I suppose, is that it has taken me this long.

      I'm reasonably new to T-Central, though I knew about it from Rhiannon's blog back in the day, but I agree. It seems very well run!

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!