Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 27 September 2021

Take Me Back

On Saturday I took the boys for a walk
in the heat and the woods. I snuck in a
selfie and then FaceApp'd it.

Where I see butterflies to-ing fro-ing

And the river flows, I am never gonna take it back again. And the river flows, I am never gonna get it back again.

Bad habit: I berate myself for being slow in a morning, and for any 'forgetfulness' during a day. Since April it was confined to my disguise name and, when dressed, I wasn't doing it. However, slowly, over the last week, it crept back in. Interestingly, when I swore at myself I tended to use my given name rather than calling myself 'Jo' or 'Joanna' - but in the last week, I started doing it with those names too.

On Sunday I took the eldest two to see my Dad. It was nice. Beautiful weather. Dad took me for that walk. He stated that he wished to make amends, that he had made many mistakes - he was referring to the time surrounding his divorce with my mother (I checked), for which no amends need to be made (I said as such). Then he spelled out his plans for the next five years, should he have them, which sounded sensible and positive; along with how he and his wife have fallen back in love with one another over lockdowns - not that they were out of love, but they remembered why they loved one another in the first place - and how that has been painful given recent events. [redacted stuff about my father]. My father then asked after my plans for the next five years. I managed to deflect to house stuff and job. But he remarked that I seemed less haunted and harried these days. I almost told him, but it was his show, not mine. He shared that he was proud of me, which I know, and that he felt I had done a good job with the children and navigating through my own divorce. He felt he was going to fail to live as long as his father, and that galled him as he had done better in every other way - I didn't know what to say to that (he's not wrong, mind, in virtually every metric you can measure: wealth, standing, job, relationships, education, travel...) so I said nothing.


Later on, we picked up the Girlie from
Dance and I had this effort. It's a bob-cut
according to FaceApp. Huh.
[Redacted stuff about my father]. Then they took us all to the tree that they planted to commemorate a miscarriage 14 years ago. Again, the children do not know the significance. Would have been weird having a half-sibling about the same age as my eldest. It was a nice walk, but very hot: the Boy ended up shorting out and went mute and tired; the Girlie had had ice-cream so went strangely rude and loud. We walked back and I drove them home before charging the car - there's a fuel shortage in the UK, I laugh in electric car.

I thought I had forgotten to book time off for Thursday, when my damp issue in the dining room is going to be sorted, so I was angry at myself most of the weekend about that. But it turns out that I did tell people at work and book the time off. So... that was nice. So I berated myself for not remembering and making me feel all wobbly all weekend. My mother had a coffee morning today for charity, I should probably check in and ask how that went.




I like this one the best. I don't know
why really.
At work I had a dispiriting lesson, suffice to say I questioned myself a bit and got all flustered and frustrated. Which isn't right. Once home I changed into jeggings and butterfly top with stuffed bra, made and ate tea - the lady from down the road called with some free food (she does this a lot) and I threw on a dressing gown. Why? I'm certain she suspects - why not just answer the door as me? She's friendly enough, it wouldn't cause any problems. And we're back at my bad habit.

My father went through what he has achieved and the things he wished still to do - his regrets weren't that terrible, it seemed to me, not having enough holidays and not doing the decorating or moving house sooner. That was it. There's a damp patch on the repaired wall, several, and I worry that the issue has not been solved. My father and his wife already made up the lost time in the lockdowns, they kissed at one point and it was a joyous thing to see as they were both clearly happy and in love. Today Tilly took the Boy and the smallest to a birthday party at a trampoline place where they both had loads of fun; the Girlie went round to see a friend. And I missed that. We don't know anything trapped in a world full of strangers. Please don't tell me anything...




2 comments:

  1. Joanna, Stop beating yourself up! We all seek perfection but it is the human condition to fail at it! You seem to be both a good person and a totally functional one. So, just go with the flow!
    Leann

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Leann. Trust me when I say, I am used to failure. Indeed, you'd think I'd be better at it by now. But, honestly, thank you.

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!