|On Saturday I took the boys for a walk|
in the heat and the woods. I snuck in a
selfie and then FaceApp'd it.
Where I see butterflies to-ing fro-ing
And the river flows, I am never gonna take it back again. And the river flows, I am never gonna get it back again.
Bad habit: I berate myself for being slow in a morning, and for any 'forgetfulness' during a day. Since April it was confined to my disguise name and, when dressed, I wasn't doing it. However, slowly, over the last week, it crept back in. Interestingly, when I swore at myself I tended to use my given name rather than calling myself 'Jo' or 'Joanna' - but in the last week, I started doing it with those names too.
On Sunday I took the eldest two to see my Dad. It was nice. Beautiful weather. Dad took me for that walk. He stated that he wished to make amends, that he had made many mistakes - he was referring to the time surrounding his divorce with my mother (I checked), for which no amends need to be made (I said as such). Then he spelled out his plans for the next five years, should he have them, which sounded sensible and positive; along with how he and his wife have fallen back in love with one another over lockdowns - not that they were out of love, but they remembered why they loved one another in the first place - and how that has been painful given recent events. [redacted stuff about my father]. My father then asked after my plans for the next five years. I managed to deflect to house stuff and job. But he remarked that I seemed less haunted and harried these days. I almost told him, but it was his show, not mine. He shared that he was proud of me, which I know, and that he felt I had done a good job with the children and navigating through my own divorce. He felt he was going to fail to live as long as his father, and that galled him as he had done better in every other way - I didn't know what to say to that (he's not wrong, mind, in virtually every metric you can measure: wealth, standing, job, relationships, education, travel...) so I said nothing.
|Later on, we picked up the Girlie from|
Dance and I had this effort. It's a bob-cut
according to FaceApp. Huh.
I thought I had forgotten to book time off for Thursday, when my damp issue in the dining room is going to be sorted, so I was angry at myself most of the weekend about that. But it turns out that I did tell people at work and book the time off. So... that was nice. So I berated myself for not remembering and making me feel all wobbly all weekend. My mother had a coffee morning today for charity, I should probably check in and ask how that went.
|I like this one the best. I don't know|
My father went through what he has achieved and the things he wished still to do - his regrets weren't that terrible, it seemed to me, not having enough holidays and not doing the decorating or moving house sooner. That was it. There's a damp patch on the repaired wall, several, and I worry that the issue has not been solved. My father and his wife already made up the lost time in the lockdowns, they kissed at one point and it was a joyous thing to see as they were both clearly happy and in love. Today Tilly took the Boy and the smallest to a birthday party at a trampoline place where they both had loads of fun; the Girlie went round to see a friend. And I missed that. We don't know anything trapped in a world full of strangers. Please don't tell me anything...