Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 24 September 2021

Sun-had-set Boulevard

And here I am. I am rubbish at asking
others to take my photo, I wanted to, but
I did not. So here I am at the end of the
evening instead in an appalling selfie.
Oh, and old not smartwatch ahoy!
Last night I went to the in-person support group because my children were away with Tilly to surprise her Dad for a milestone birthday. It has allowed me to (digression klaxon) be me a bit more this week, and I have embraced that and enjoyed it. Even though I didn't go to the vegan favourite my local vegan cafe gaming on Tuesday I did wear mascara that evening and dress as myself. On Wednesday I wore my pencil skirt and new blouse and enjoyed being professional whilst watching crap on youtube. It's the small things. But, last night, I once again put on the mascara, after a bath to shave my legs and chest and pits, and then the white long sleeved t-shirt, the pink t-shirt that I love, my flares and some of my new socks. Glasses on and I walked down the street(!) to the car, went and... enjoyed it.

Basically I am a walking meme machine - in that I can relate virtually anything back to a meme or video or book - and it was actually quite nice. I was everso slightly jealous of the amazing fashion choices on display there, the amazing uses of make-up (some incredible nail work and jealousy inducing use of eye-make-up from a new person attending for the first time) and the community feel. You know me by now, I am good at grand gestures and attending for a little while - it is in the long term that I become hard to stomach and deal with.

I really like this look. I did at
the time too. But now? Now I know
why I never fancied Carrie-Anne Moss,
I just thought her style might look good
on me.
Work today was a little more difficult than normal, the crunch is coming and I am struggling as ever to keep pace, but I know that the storm is coming and that I shall weather (ha) it as best as I can. I always do. I was also reminded about the feeling of those first days back at work and that put me in a happier mood as I charged the car ready for the weekend's shenanigans. Then I came home and indulged by watching Matrix Reloaded and really enjoyed it. I have played very much into the meme that the sequels were rubbish but I did recall enjoying the films in the cinema when I watched them (2003 apparently!). And, yes, I thoroughly enjoyed the film and remembering the incredible soundtrack again.

Oh, tonight I'm in my blue jeggings, butterfly t-shirt and I feel amazing. When I got back from the support group last night I very nearly went for a walk because the temperature was forgiving and I felt so at home dressed as I was. I had some of my students say that I was wearing more colourful clothing this year (I am not) and it really buoyed me up because it just proves that observation that I appear happier and more comfortable with myself. Next, honestly, is deciding whether or not I want to try for Carrie-Anne Moss's hairstyle from the Matrix films when I get my hair trimmed in half term (end of October). I mentioned this last night and one of the kind souls there present looked at me, considered, and then said they could totally see it on me. I won't lie and say I wasn't flattered. I still think it was a well-meaning lie, but now that seed has been planted and we'll just have to see what happens now.

Luckily, FaceApp is on hand to deal
with the close-up, Mister Demille.

One thing was very clear today, though, as I drove home and ruminated on the events of the week past: I really would like to not have my beard or facial hair. Like, ever again, I cannot imagine a situation where I would willingly and without qualm go back to having my beard. Having had one for the best part of 21 years this was something of a surprise but not entirely unexpected. When I am inevitably asked what I hope to gain from any potential transition, I guess this is the first honest-to-god physical change and source of dysphoria. Just spotting on the full photo above that I have such dark stubble made me pause. And I wasn't expecting that. In the end, I just want to feel like I did on Thursday night, when I got home, more often. I want to be able to actually go for that bloody walk, but in the daylight and with no stubble and a feminine haircut so that I can code 'woman' enough not to instantly get beaten up on the way out. And, for the first time, I'm wondering if I might be looking at a potential future rather than a ridiculous and fantastical vivid dream just before I awaken.


  1. FWIW, I thought the compliment was genuine and I could also see you rocking Trin's haircut. Why not? You might like it... plus it seems a little late for the blue pill ­čśë

    1. You're not wrong, time to see how deep the rabbit hole goes!

      And thank you, I am blushing (but in a good way).


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!