Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 2 August 2021

Let me live that fantasy

Things have been weird.

I mean - my smile is stupid, my hair
rubbish, but...
Okay, so I predicted that it would be the case that I wouldn't get much time to myself and, well, I haven't. Sunday the children came round and today has been spent with the middlest child (along with a significant hijack of that time by Tilly with the smallest and a joint trip - at her timings of course - to a city farm). Now, none of this is, by itself, anything other than a good thing. But popping into the vegan game cafe in disguise was strange for me (less so for the middlest) and hearing my eldest moan about not being able to go on about being bi all the time (no, really) was certainly something.

On the Saturday I had taken around some sweet things for the children to celebrate their last day of isolation (they went down well) and then went to the actual pub before stopping off at a charity shop and getting a new (to me) t-shirt and some black jeggings. When I got home that evening I tried them on and practically wept in gender euphoria, I'm not even joking. A bit of background is perhaps required here.

That's not a posed smile, that's just
what I look like.
Back in 2001 or thereabouts I was working in a big warehouse on a summer job. I had clearly discovered fictionmania because I took to sort of maybe planning a story that would not look out of place there. I had recently attended a 21st birthday party (maybe this was 2002?) at someone's house in a rural area of the country. Their family was pretty loaded (his 21st present from his parents, apart from using a barn conversion for his party, was a second car) and I saw someone there in blue jeans with a 'princess' design pink t-shirt. I couldn't get that image out of my mind and wondered about a story in which a character who was me got their clothes hopelessly damaged and had to borrow such a get-up (along with baseball cap) to attend the party or else to leave the following day. Someone at the party had, in fact, had this happen to them (but they were female and borrowed another woman's dress). I daydreamed about it for a week or two, doodling an approximation of the outfit on the side of the trolley I sed (on paper, I mean). Somewhere in the house now is that bit of paper - but I couldn't tell you where.

Agh, the teeth!

But that t-shirt...
Aaaanyway, this was something that I thought about from 2001 onwards. The jeggings and the t-shirt (the images here do not do it justice) with an old baseball cap I have almost completely matched the look that I had in my head. And that's what nearly made me cry with gender euphoria on Saturday night and made me feel so wibberly wobbley that I literally was unable to do anything else with my evening apart from the pots. I'm not complaining, you understand, just relating.

This week is going to be busy, I said that already, but there is the potential upside of being in that city again on Wednesday and Thursday. I found a couple more charity shops. I need to find some blue jeggings and some blue actual jeans too. I may be able to do this. Also, online, I have found some women's trainers (actual ones too) that I would like in my actual size that I can actually afford. They may or may not be ordered soon. Really, that would complete the outfit. And, you know, also give an option for when I don't want to be the office lady out on lunch but just want to be the lady out and about, you know? Maybe a couple of leggings as well. I don't always have to wear a dress or skirt. Honestly, I really wasn't prepared for how I felt in the jeggings. Not at all.

I also looked up how much leg waxing costs (£35+) and where it can be done (a few places) and... do I buy trainers and some more trainer socks first or do I put them on hold and get my legs waxed before going back to work? Also, I'll need a hair-cut before going back to work in September - no, not short, but to stop it looking too unkempt - more a trim really. That is paid for (by dint of missing so many haircuts in the meantime). But, again, should I be paying for leg-waxing or trainers? So many (rather new to me) questions.

Oh, and I shall be able to make the next in-person support group meeting - yay! Now all I have to decide is if I dare go again (long journey the following day) and what to wear - gotta look a little professional, you know.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!