Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Thursday, 26 August 2021

I will wait and hope

By the light of the street-lamp on the
way out for milk last night, gone
2100 hrs, with an app to hide the
stubble and smooth the forehead.
Tonight I go to the in-person support group. I shall play-act for one last time before a change in timings of the eldest's dance group for the new academic year render such escapades impossible for the next ten months. The sunshine of summer is more or less gone for now, it may return as I hear there's a heatwave, but for the last few days it has been warm and slightly muggy.

I have a date for one set of building work, a contractor for the second, and the shower and bathroom remain untouched except for my bodge job that seems to be holding for now. I have turned down my mother's offer of a holiday Oop North over the weekend as I had considered using that time to play-act a little more. Maybe get a hair-cut later today or tomorrow to try and turn my mop into something a little more ordered. Still too long to hide, too short to style, too feminine to really try for a masculine style.

Busy few days. I did nothing on the Tuesday but spent nearly all day doing it, taking the Boy to the game cafe. He lost every game. I managed to win one. KT's boy, new to the scene, won three out of four. Offered condescending advice to my Boy. He's younger, got an expensive deck. It grates a little. Because my Boy is better at this than I he has remained friends despite this, was not riled or upset, had a good time. The following day, yesterday, I took the family to the other city nearby - Tilly had a hospital appointment for her thyroid - and took them to a park that turned out better than I dared hope. Cue the smallest getting upset that we had to leave as quickly as we did and the eldest doing the same. Tilly has nodules, nothing to worry about according to the specialist, but they will check just in case. Tilly paid me £3 for the trouble.

Remember me I ask,
remember me I sing.

Think of all the horrors
I promise you
that I bring.
That payment might be the saddest thing I've ever experienced. She did it on her phone, as I was driving, I couldn't stop her. But that payment means that I rank as less than a concerned friend. She wouldn't have paid, or offered to pay, any of her friends who took her down, nor any friend who babysat the children. Nor would any payment have been expected. Were I still at home, there would have been no payment (obviously). But she paid me. Later that same day I looked after the smallest - had done the same on Monday on short notice. It was late when she bade me bring him home, and he went without the usual screaming and anger. A good time out.

I couldn't say no to either short-notice request. Why wouldn't I take the time to have a good experience with my youngest child? Build a good memory for him. Of course the timings kept changing - I rushed tea then had to wait, ended up staying out with him until 2000 hrs. Too late to really relax in the evening as I had to run out to get milk. Tilly was taking the Boy to look at a cat they may adopt, it looks as though they will too - not the plan as originally told me, but I'm in no position to ask for nor receive regular updates.

Banged one out this morning whilst thinking about hair. Plaiting. Mine. Reflection: nothing has really changed, has it? I said it before here: I have all the time in world, beer and the internet.

- You stole the best years of my life
- I'll give them back.

On the way out for free coffee in the
sunshine earlier in the week.
At the game cafe Veronica related that someone she knew had 'come out' and was now living as a woman. Had been for a while, but only publically recently. The issue I spoke of last time had resolved - turned out that she had been in the right - and she had been in touch for her next gender clinic appointment. She asked if I had got in contact, encouraged me to come out to my Boy, reminded me that the community at the game cafe know and would be supportive. Reminded me that legal provisions make it clear that I can't be fired for coming out and that life is easier when you do - internally, not socially. What had I to lose? All of this was very positive, supportive.

Lily granted me access to their writing folder last night. As usual it's bloody good. All works in progress, nothing polished, but it has that spark that I like. Characterisation. Cleverly unreliable narrators (the fact that their personality changes the way metaphors and similies are used really hammers that home in the prose - not in speech but in the relation of the story, making perspective changes sing) that allow the story to leak out rather than be shoved in your face. Lily is a master at language and craft. Very like Servitor actually. I used to harbour dreams of writing this well.

Free coffee at Ikea is the plan. Then lunch. Hair-cut? I don't know. Bath; shave legs, chest and pits; choose what I shall wear for the evening. Tea. Go. Avoid the people leaving other groups that spied me and laughed last time - maybe not at me, but I hid anyway and still hit ladies leaving yoga on the way in. Burning with embarrassment. And why not? Chat. Ask no useful questions, pontificate on something like the little professor I am, alienate and erect those walls. Then home, bed, sleep.

If you have been, thank you for reading. I can't give you that time back.


  1. I hope you didn't feel too alienated at the group - or indeed, embarrassed.

    1. Don't worry, I am not alienat*ed* so much as the source of alienat*ion* - and the embarrassment wasn't connected with the group so much as me being me around others leaving other groups (male karate and female pilates?).

      If in doubt, I am attacking only myself.


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!