In my dreams last night, what I remember of them, I got taken to task as I wasn't passing as a male enough - turns out I was seen as a woman and people were concerned that I wasn't putting enough effort into being male. Make of that what you will.
|I didn't wear the glasses.|
Lovely night. Wish I had.
Last night I went out for a walk whilst on the phone to my father. We were discussing the eldest and her worries about lack of friendships at her dance class due, essentially, to her 'putting people off' with her masking - they know something is off but don't know what. My father suggested that maybe she should just try harder to appear normal, like I had failed to do (and no, he said, plenty of people get divorced without being autistic when I raised that masking had caused some problems for me). I didn't push it too far. Hence the walk. I was tempted to wear the flared jeans but didn't - I wore my male disguise and had a quite lovely walk after the conversation ended - it wasn't all bad.
|Seven years, nearly eight, before I found this|
|No, I have no idea what happened|
|Into town. Yeah, the App has had a|
This evening, Tilly reminded me it was our anniversary. Like this, via text: "Not sure what one says in this instance, but 'happy non anniversary' day today...?"
The Main Event
In 2012, Dee pointed out two paths open to me - end it and live as me or try to suppress my feelings and slowly let things rot me from the inside. I wish I could have done better at the latter. Was it envy?
Natalie Wynn has done a new video on Envy, of course I watched it, and then I watched the one on Incels. There's a lot in both of them about being trans, because of course there is, and the way in which dysphoria can manifest. I watched the Tiffany Tumbles one as well, where at the end the character Tiffany dissolves into horrific dysphoria and, in the process, becomes sympathetic to the viewer. Have I committed the sin of the incel in becoming envious of people like Tilly, specifically Tilly, and thus poisoned everything? Is that why I have had so few relationships in my life - my envy of the women that I am attracted to? That is, not knowing whether I want to be with them or be them? Then reasoning that I am jealous, envious, of how they can dress and wear make-up and, well, live their lives? Certainly I have often ruminated on Tilly's, Toby's and Terry's senses of style, their clothing and the way in which they interacted with people. I have wanted what they had, known I can't get it (because I am not them, it's not their gender but who they are gets these things) and thus felt worse about myself. It's not nice to be around.
|Oooh, enough to have an almost|
Also, poetntial outfit for Thursday,
is it too young for my age?
|Aaah, that's better.|
So, right through my formative years I envied women. I knew then that I couldn't work out the difference between being attracted to them and attracted to being them. I dealt with that quandary by deciding not to deal with it at all. Neither Terry nor Toby were people I wanted to be. With Toby I thought this through in enough detail to know why: she was taller than I, stronger than I and I thought she was more dominant than I. So, I didn't want to be her, but any number of her friends and former female partners, yes. I didn't think about it with Terry, but in hindsight it doesn't make much sense, she was smaller than I, a little on the submissive side, but achingly vanilla. I don't know. Didn't want to be her, still don't (her at the time, not now, I'm not sure I know enough to analyse that latter one). But the women I fancied and failed to make a move on? Oh, yeah, there were plenty of those I wanted to be as much as or more than I wanted to be with. I know that on that first night Tilly and I met I was blindsided by the sudden feeling I wanted to be her - the point at which I realised that woman ahead was texting me and we hadn't actually met yet. That moment. It's why I was so tongue-tied when she did speak, because I was processing that thought. And I elected to deal with that by not thinking about it again. But it would have to have been there.
That is what did for our marriage. Envy. Not that I felt Tilly shouldn't have the enjoyment of being her or that I felt my inability to enjoy it meant no one else could either. But jealousy doesn't quite fit here as there are no other protagonists. I guess that this envy leaks out in all parts of my life. Especially in a romantic area. And no one wants to be around envy. But, also, that aspect of who I am, what I now know to be trans-ness, is also a core aspect of my sexuality and understanding of sex and sexy times (if you see what I mean). It is intertwined and connected, indivisible and unified. So that I'm not turned on by myself, never will be, but I am consistent in what has excited me from the earliest point that I could talk about sexual excitement - and that has always been taking a submissive role as a woman. Not in an objectified sense (nor even in a social understanding of what being a woman means in sexual relationships) but in a sense that my journey of being my gender was best expressed by using the term 'woman' in my internal monologue.
As a teen I went through the envy as discussed by Wynn in her videos - if I had had access to today's internet I feel certain I would have come across Incel forums long before I stumbled upon things dealing with trans-issues as a teen. Yes, I absolutely understood the power I imagined women held over people such as me and felt envious - the kind of toxic emotion that probably cemented my loneliness in those years. But my more modern understanding of my feelings toward women isn't quite envy and isn't quite jealousy - it's some combination of the two.
Honestly, this is all far more confused than I had imagined when coming to write this post. I'm sure I have used the wrong terminology, or made a hash of something. I need to mull further on this.
|This is from, like, May or something.|