Almost a week to the day - because I like to keep things cyclical, clearly.
|My eyes are doing this a lot lately.|
On the Monday I had the middlest in the big city as related on this blog. I was still reeling a little from that day when I started preparing for the day. I had forgotten that it was happening because Jerry's wife had been arranging with Tilly and Tilly hadn't really done more than mention the time a while back, so it was all a bit confusing for my autistic brain to stay with - as is usual. Anyway, I was getting ready that morning, aware of the fact that I had to take the Girlie and then head back. I had a two hour gap and I intended to pop in a few places I had cased on the Monday, maybe get me those blue jeggings and a pair of jeans? But, and this is important, I was meeting with Jerry and his family.
|Oh, yeah, the glasses are FaceApp|
shenanigans too. This was whilst the
Boy was round.
And that's when the internal monologue started. It didn't stop as I took Girlie to her dance group and then wandered off in search of jeans - just what am I doing?
I can't really be trans, right? I've lived my whole life not being, or not knowing at any rate, and I've been me all that time. Changing outward appearances, as much as I am able, is hardly going to change the inside. I will still be shit at dates and preparation for things. I shall still fail to read books, to keep to my own timetable, to keep a clean house, to keep things tidy, to repair the house, to send cards, to keep up with timetables of other people. I will still be the slightly selfish and venal, corrupt, person that I always was, that I am. Is this my way of being interesting? Is this an attempt to play at something? I mean, who am I kidding? I am no different now than I have ever been - I have played at coming out to cause a splash, to be noticed (yes, the Pokemon was on that evening).
|I dunno, the two on the left aren't far off|
what other people describe my smile as.
Jerry and his family arrives. He did his best (you could actually see the strain on a number of occasions) but did succumb to light ribbing a couple of times about my hair - yes, he noticed the hair grips and he too decided that they were hair clips. I did not tell Jerry or his wife of my realisations - arguably my closest friend and he doesn't know something that complete strangers at a game cafe know. Truth be told, I worry that if he did know I might lose him as a friend. Honestly. I worry about most of my friends, they do not have generally progressive political or social opinions. I am, after all, a god-father to one of Jerry's boys, and he is a mess of masculinity and always has been. Not the boy, Jerry. And hey, look, I was mostly fine on the day - so if I can survive that maybe I don't need to make any changes, get back in the closet and stop being so needy for attention. I've already wrecked my marriage with it, is that not enough?
|How far have I really come since|
2015? I'd argue not that far.
Late finish, very late, post midnight. Broken night, the Boy has picked up a cold, and then into the day today. I found, and bought, blue jeggings and a pair of flared jeans (size 14, 32" legs but designed to be worn with heels or platforms - I love these the most). I took a hair band and glasses so that the eldest didn't see them then donned them to shop.
|My best side. Youngest is here too.|
What's the endgame here?