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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

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Wednesday, 4 August 2021

Days off and Off days

Almost a week to the day - because I like to keep things cyclical, clearly.

My eyes are doing this a lot lately.
Don't worry, I shan't be running out of the door to do something as foolhardy as dressing in public but, yes, there are peaks and troughs to discuss. It was yesterday, Tuesday, and apart from the taxi service that I am providing the eldest I had also forgotten that we had arranged to meet Jeremy and his family at a local stately home-cum-park thing. This family was coming from where I grew up some 8 accents north if you follow the main motorways (at least seven words for bread rolls) so it was a Big Deal.

On the Monday I had the middlest in the big city as related on this blog. I was still reeling a little from that day when I started preparing for the day. I had forgotten that it was happening because Jerry's wife had been arranging with Tilly and Tilly hadn't really done more than mention the time a while back, so it was all a bit confusing for my autistic brain to stay with - as is usual. Anyway, I was getting ready that morning, aware of the fact that I had to take the Girlie and then head back. I had a two hour gap and I intended to pop in a few places I had cased on the Monday, maybe get me those blue jeggings and a pair of jeans? But, and this is important, I was meeting with Jerry and his family.

Oh, yeah, the glasses are FaceApp
shenanigans too. This was whilst the
Boy was round.
I didn't wash my hair, I had done that the previous day, but it was going to be a full day of male disguise. I shaved closely - it's a habit now I guess - and there was stress (mostly sorted by this point) about timings of the evening (long story). But I was looking in the mirror. Oh. The hair. Yeah. Jerry and his family haven't seen me in person since 2019. They have met up with the family, at this spot, in 2020 before the pandemic hit during a week I was at work so I wsasn't there. Jerry's wife gets on quite well with Tilly (as does Jerry to be fair) and they have noth hjistorically been rather ambivalent about my friendship. I was going to get ribbed about the hair and it was... a mess. I did what I could with hair grips, trying to keep them as subtle as I could (my mother's words and comments from the wedding were ringing in my ears). But it was too long to do that entirely - at least two grips were pretty obvious.

And that's when the internal monologue started. It didn't stop as I took Girlie to her dance group and then wandered off in search of jeans - just what am I doing?

I can't really be trans, right? I've lived my whole life not being, or not knowing at any rate, and I've been me all that time. Changing outward appearances, as much as I am able, is hardly going to change the inside. I will still be shit at dates and preparation for things. I shall still fail to read books, to keep to my own timetable, to keep a clean house, to keep things tidy, to repair the house, to send cards, to keep up with timetables of other people. I will still be the slightly selfish and venal, corrupt, person that I always was, that I am. Is this my way of being interesting? Is this an attempt to play at something? I mean, who am I kidding? I am no different now than I have ever been - I have played at coming out to cause a splash, to be noticed (yes, the Pokemon was on that evening).

I dunno, the two on the left aren't far off
what other people describe my smile as.
You will not be surprised, dear reader, to learn that I bought nothing and saw little that I would be able to fit into or that would fit me in the new shops I stopped by. Prices too. I had managed to make lunch though, so off I went to meet the family. The youngest was a helion - he really struggles with seeing me and gets violent pretty quickly as he simply doesn't know how to interact with me. Cue much frustration from Tilly and me not really knowing what to do.

Jerry and his family arrives. He did his best (you could actually see the strain on a number of occasions) but did succumb to light ribbing a couple of times about my hair - yes, he noticed the hair grips and he too decided that they were hair clips. I did not tell Jerry or his wife of my realisations - arguably my closest friend and he doesn't know something that complete strangers at a game cafe know. Truth be told, I worry that if he did know I might lose him as a friend. Honestly. I worry about most of my friends, they do not have generally progressive political or social opinions. I am, after all, a god-father to one of Jerry's boys, and he is a mess of masculinity and always has been. Not the boy, Jerry. And hey, look, I was mostly fine on the day - so if I can survive that maybe I don't need to make any changes, get back in the closet and stop being so needy for attention. I've already wrecked my marriage with it, is that not enough?

How far have I really come since
2015? I'd argue not that far.
Taking the Boy to the game cafe for the evening was... I was not looking forward to it. I'd popped in on Monday and briefly seen one of the staff I know knows and she had been almost effusively pleased to see me. But... Not customers. My trans friend, we shall call her Veronica because I think names help, was there after we were (we arrived ridiculously early) and was much more talkative than she is usually - now she knows. She passed on the number of a gender clinic whilst the Boy was in the loo and suggested I get a GP referral. But that was all we had time for. Managed a brief chat with the owner that had helped last week, and then it was into the games. No one seemed to connect me to the last week. I met a new person, a mother to someone the Boy's age who also home schooled and was keen to find friends for her lad. Also another Uni student who was keen to talk to me about my teaching  - I helped him play his first game of Pokemon ever, which was certainly not what I saw myself doing - whilst the Boy had good chats with loads of people he knows and enjoyed himself. Staff member from Monday was there with new shoes from Koi Footwear, they looked amazing, she stopped and we chatted footwear for a bit.

Late finish, very late, post midnight. Broken night, the Boy has picked up a cold, and then into the day today. I found, and bought, blue jeggings and a pair of flared jeans (size 14, 32" legs but designed to be worn with heels or platforms - I love these the most). I took a hair band and glasses so that the eldest didn't see them then donned them to shop.

My best side. Youngest is here too.
Home school mother, we shall call her KT, was in a relationship and defiantly ADHD. On hearing that I was divorced she urged that I join Plenty of Fish (a dating website) as "everyone is doing it" and didn't stop to listen how long I have been divorced for. She considered herself the keeper of a house for waifs and strays and was keen that I feel welcome to join them for board games in the future. Can't say I wasn't flattered. I agreed to pass her details on to Tilly. Tilly reckons I was being chatted up, it didn't feel like that at the time, but what do I know. Tilly reckoned that Miss Warrington used to chat me up though, so... I don't know.

What's the endgame here?




2 comments:

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!