Given my mental pinging back and forth over the last few posts (and, indeed, in the last few months since reading Real Life comics again) it's not a word I thought I would be opening a blog post with, but you play the hand that's dealt.
|Me, walking in the park. I took myself off|
alone for a bit due to pace - my mother
needed the respite, frankly.
Obviously I took a selfie.
I did when I got back though. Like, it was one of the first things I did. I didn't dress immediately though, I looked critically at all the cracks I have and wondered if any are new or getting bigger (on the house walls, not in a mirror). I put on an alice band to keep my hair out of my face and dispensed with the hair-grips and felt better instantly. I changed underwear from boxers to knickers and my socks to the trainer socks I bought. I tried to prepare the house for the rearranged curry night with Miss Warrington. Like, do I keep my hair-brush out in the bathroom? How much do I pack away my clothes? What evidence is there about the place of how I've femmed up my lifestyle this summer? Or, do I go the whole hog, don mascara and dress for the occasion?
|When I showed my mother this shot she said:|
"I don't see you there."
This morning, shaved, I had a bath (ridiculous luxuriation) and have dressed in my flared jeans, pink t-shirt, bra, knickers and glasses. And I sit here and feel... comfortable. So, this is what comfort feels like? Well, yeah I guess it is.
|She saw me here though.|
People would raise an eyebrow at work. I was already getting side-eye from my ex-boss (replaced by Alice now) last term with the longer hair. Let's not forget that I took down the Genderbread Person graphic in fear of parental complaints because a conversation sparked by the graphic led to a parental complaint and an official warning from the management of the school about that conversation. The teacher of Psychology has referred to 'that popular trans-sexual issue' as something that she is 'uncomfortable teaching about' because 'basically it's unscientific and far more damaging than analysing suicidal ideation' to 'developing minds'. "It's one of those passing fads," she told me by the photocopier once "and I worry that too many youngsters think it's a Thing when really it's just a tool to get engagement and attention."
|Part of the walk Oop North. It was very pretty.|
|See!? Really really pretty walk.|
If I were to 'come out' more widely at work, if I were to arrive dressed, I would not only raise eyebrows and ruffle feathers, I would be taking a huge risk - even with people who would be sympathetic. But, as I did say to Miss Warrington, I do feel, now, that it is rather more a matter of time than choice. Sooner or later action will have to be taken. Hormones? Surgery? Social transition? I don't know. How far or how obvious I cannot say, but I am going to do something.
My mother asked that question too, Miss Warrington asked it last night, do I want to 'fully' transition? (I put the 'fully' in quotes because, whilst I know what they mean by the term, I'm not sure what it actually means).
Well, do I? Punk.