|Good evening, Joanna, lovely to see you.|
There's a lot going on. And my recent(ish) revelations are not helping so very much.
My hair has reached an even more annoying stage. I now wear about eight hair grips to keep the fringe bits out of my face and the bit at the back is unruly and annoying. I'm seriously wondering if I can really cope with growing it out - three more weeks until I finish work, can I manage that? Not really got a choice - there's no time on a Saturday and the hair-dressers are all shut on Sundays or by the time I can get back from work. So, I shall grow it out for at least three more weeks.
|It is a lovely nightie though.|
All of which said: I really enjoyed the opportunity this week to wear that nightie I was babbling about last post. It has been fantastic to sleep in it and to wake in a morning with it on. I still don't quite know why it has the effect that it does, but it has been a lovely effect. The broken nights due to the issue above, however, have rather impacted on my mornings. No longer do I get up around 5am and no longer do I wash pots and make lunches. Instead I am lethargic and rise around 0600 to 0630. I have breakfast and then I try to get ready. But because I am tired this can be drawn out. I seem to leave the house not at the 0645 I was doing in the flat but closer to 0730 or, this morning, 0750. This is not great.
|At least I know the terrain, I know the rhythm.|
There's no fear in facing this struggle, no worry,
It is all that I have ever known.
Changing things will not change me. Embracing who I am will not alter the fundamental problem: I am still me. Regardless of gender, name, appearance, I am still the same me that I have always been. Still prone to miss important things, to mess up innocuous conversation. I am still me. And, well, I still struggle to like what I see of myself. It's nice to see Joanna from time to time, but she is still me underneath and I am still rubbish. At least in the trenches I can blame my ineptitude on the strain, I can take comfort in the pain, I can sigh wistfully about peace without ever having to worry about dealing with it or trying to attain it for myself. I can lose myself in the struggle, hastening an end in one way or another, but not one I have to plan beyond.