Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 30 July 2021

And I haven't felt so alive in years

Yesterday morning, no FaceApp
This recent spell of productivity in terms of blogging is not usual for me. Not since the opening of the blog have I felt like I have this much to say and to contribute to trans things in general or cross-dressing in particular. I mean, okay, nothing here is that earth-shattering or even terribly revealing, but it is the first time in literal years that I can't seem to keep it all in.

Following Tuesday night things have been... hard to describe. I've had actual luminaries reading this place recently and it has been humbling and also electrifying. Electrifying, yes, it all feels rather electrifying.

Rarely do I have so much time to myself and it won't be repeated - the eldest is at a summer school next week that I am providing transport to and from, thus no full days. Then there is the trip Oop North to see my mother for a week with the elder two children. Then, well, it'll be prep for the new year and then back at work. Each week ram-packed with things and duties (well, ram-packed for me, I can't really match normal people for processing power or speed). And though I'll never again have to wave goodbye to what I have released since April (goodness, I don't know if that feels like a long time ago or really recently - in which way am I surprised? I am just surprised) I shan't be able to indulge as I have been over these last few days. Why? Well, the quarantine ends for the rest of the family and that means being a bit more present in the world as my disguise.

Good morning, Jo, there you are!
How've you been?
However, today I do not have to do this. After a brief shopping trip in disguise for the family (and a long talk on the doorstep with Tilly when dropping it off) I struggled back at home. Eventually I donned not my t-shirt and skirt but a boiler-suit style thing I got at some point - honestly can't recall when I bought it. It does not appear to have been recorded here. Then it was online RPG with some friends, Tim and people I know from my MA, which was lovely. Naturally I was wearing glasses too and it just felt so relaxing. "People ask: do you feel like a man or a woman? And I answer: I feel... happy."

Late out of bed this morning, reading comments, and a long shower. And I thought, you know what? Why not put on the mascara today anyway? Before I did, I realised that my hair had kind of styled itself, I liked it, and I remembered the lipstick. So, with mascara and lipstick, glasses and a bit of hair pushing, I got dressed in my Snag tights (80 denier), black denim skirt and a 3/4 sleeve top from Poundland. Do I look good? Can't say. I feel amazing.

EDIT - 1800hrs

A facial curtsey?
As the day has progressed I keep catching sight of my face as I turn in the mirrors in the hallway and, coupled with the feeling of the tights (spice melange by the way) and the way it feels to look through glasses... It's me. I look and I see me for perhaps the first time. I'm looking in the mirror and I am looking back. Okay, okay, I'm not going to win any prizes - the make-up is sparse, the five o'clock shadow is, well, shadowing and the styling of my hair non-existant. Going out like this in public would be dangerous and likely to draw derision and insult. But, for all of that, it's me. I'm there in the mirror, just as I turn I catch glimpses. As I sit and watch a film, I feel comfortable, relaxed, and almost content. There's no point adding a new image to the post, I don't even know how I could capture that look I get. I want to pose with one of my swords - don't ask me why because I simply don't know - but I can't take a selfie and hold my double-handed monster of a bastard sword. Whilst my cavalry sabre might work one-handed, it would be hard to get a selfie as well. Somehow I don't think I can ask people at a support group to contemplate having a sword on the premises!

But that's just it, this isn't maudlin, this is joyous madness. Proper, actual, joy!

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!