|Still one of my favourite images of|
myself. I miss those days. A bit.
Thereafter to a teaching degree, very cheap indeed with a government grant that covered rent and tuition, so I just had to foot the bill for food and entertainment. Living like a social eunuch, a skill I now know that I owe to ASD, this was no great shakes. I was lonely and conflicted, irrationally emotional a bit delicate over the wrong things (a housemate I really fancied and respected once chided me that I dealt with standard issues by crying and playing loud music alone, she was not wrong) but I completed the training and fell into a job by dint of being able to take risks that others would not (it was the Nazi lesson) which, again, I now know to be connected to my ASD and my lack of understanding of what the potential consequences might be socially if not legally. In short, I blasted through by being oblivious where others would be cautious and careful. Still didn't get a decent degree though.
|Remember this? I'm on the beer again.|
With Terry I hadf been the corrupting influence, with Toby I was unable to corrupt but she was also unable to corrupt me, finding that I was already there in many cases. Not in a good way, not in an edifying way. I did not know that I had ASD. I suspected that I was depressed, clinically, but did not pursue that.
Dating website. Holiday in the States. I met Tilly. I was still able to project being interesting and clever. Tilly was looking for security and I provided it. I did not notice that she wanted me to be normal. Because I thought I was normal.
|Once my favourite photo of me.|
Still the most honest one.
The year I met Tilly. Just six months
Easy mode. But I end up alone, lonely and sad. I end up no longer a Head of Department with minions, but a minion. Same pay, sure, but none of the power and the freedom to be creative. Because I don't actually follow rules, I pat them carefully looking for loopholes, weaknesses, holes and areas that can be exploited or subverted. It's not as useful a skill as it looks. Even my nuance to the white, western, mid- let's call it Default Man status. So, my wrinkle, my cross-dressing, my sprinkling of trans, my gender-queerness (if that is the right term), is subtle and camouflagued enough that no one would ever know. Sometimes even I don't know. I suffer no adversity, my life after University has been pretty easy and welcoming, I experience no sexism, no racism, no classism.
I almost wish I did. I might actually feel a sense of achievement now and again. Instead of failure.
|What I left behind.|