Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 31 December 2019

Moan moan moan

Away two days. Not bad. But problems at home where Tilly remained with two children. Home to screaming, aftermath and tired Tilly. Early to bed, no discussion beyond issues in kitchen. No time. Wake to middlest between us.

Pots done, plus drying up because no one does that but me. Take out remains strewn across kitchen. Stuff moved. Shopping done, no one else does it. Then out for new storage from IKEA. Alone, obviously.

Sleep on sofa, later night as consequence. Took both eldest to Pokémon because why not. Emotional labour aplenty. It's hard. We're back late, middlest straight into bed with Tilly and youngest. He snuggles with her more than I ever have. It's hard to see that. Hard to know. Hard, because her love for the children is unconditional, whereas her love for me is not that kind of love, not even in the same league.

Today, make the storage, do the pots, shop for last items. Make lunches, of course, it was harder yesterday when I didn't. Supporting eldest with Maths, polluted by years of poorly expressed help from Tilly, hard to remain calm. Then youngest screaming and me looking after him whilst calm eldest and Tilly go to spend eldest's voucher from Christmas. Not good enough, Tilly wants time alone in town at some point.

Hour of fucking moidering about tea, take out? Start making meals for children based on that. Actually looking forward to it, NYE and all that, but mid prep Tilly makes a sandwich, no, no take out. She'll throw a meal together without me. Angrily tells me she'll take tired youngest to bed soon. I make the meals for everyone else, gather food for me. And reflect.

She didn't notice my shaving before Christmas, didn't notice my hair being awful yesterday. She doesn't care. She never has. I ordered a book on divorce. Not if but when and how. It's not going to change. She's said as much, should have listened sooner, could have spared myself the pain and unhappiness of a third child. But I didn't.

Tuesday, 24 December 2019

Useless

We last discussed sexual activity sometime in October, we agreed that she might like a, in her words, "ten minute quickie" and i would be on standby. So it was that she asked on 21 October, with some urgency, but i was busy looking after the middlest and couldn't. Within the half hour she said i'd missed my opportunity. That day she had listed all the interests that she said i would never partake in, as a reason why our relationship was on the rocks. She threatened therapy - if she went she felt certain that she would be advised to end the relationship: is that what i wanted?

On the 22 October she asked if it was right that she was enjoying a children's TV programme with the eldest as much as she was. It was one of the programmes she had listed as me not being interested enough in, one of those that if i just watched it with her we might not be in such a bad position. Regrettably, i used it to raise the fact that i was not really allowed in to enjoy or find interesting. She ended up screaming at me about how mean i was, in front of the children initially, and then pushed me out of the way, screaming "get away from me!" to sit and weep in the utility room.

i comforted the children as best i could. Looked after the youngest. Eventually she returned and said we'd both been a little broken.

Since then, nothing. We are not allowed to discuss our relationship, it is off-limits while she, indeed, seeks therapy and counselling. She's been going, regularly, and i watch the children. She says it's going well, it's about why she goes to pieces whenever i have a cross word. Basically, it would appear that i am a bully. i mean, i don't recall the last cross word - the incident above was hardly me being cross, i was sad and upset, sure, but not cross. Doesn't matter - she likes to see me as cross and a bully. Remember the gaslighting discussion? i do: when i told her what it was she asked: "Oh, is that what you do with me?"

Anyway, yes. Been in chastity since 1 December, out for 'fun' on 19 December then back in. Why? i don't know. i had tried back in September and managed two days, again at the end of September and lasted eight. This is dangerous, i know, she's not interested in that sort of thing and would find it anger inducing on some level. You know what? i don't care why any more, it makes no sense to me.

Another thing Tilly keeps mentioning is the fact that "Autistics wouldn't know truth if it came and bit them in the face." It's become something of a mantra for her. Mainly when dealing with the eldest, who has developed a habit of sneaking sweets and cakes - she's banned from having sugar - and the lying that goes with it. i'm not sure here. The eldest struggles with sugar, it makes her have hangovers and makes her struggle to focus or make sense. i'm all for helping her have sugar but controlled amounts, the sneaking is due to the blanket ban coupled with the fact that Tilly doesn't like getting up in the morning (she can't sleep when the youngest is feeding or for hours after being woken by him) so there's no control downstairs. It's a ridiculous situation that Tilly attacks completely out of proportion because it's an issue of control.

So... what else? i'm depressed more than ever. Mother was down at the weekend for dropping off presents, it was... stormy. She means well, she wants to help, but i am so down i end up snapping. i talked about death, waiting for it, at least i wouldn't be bothered any more. i think that hurt. i didn't mean to hurt her. i mentioned possibly talking to Tilly, who responded that she would like just one holiday where she didn't feel like she did after such a conversation and so, no, we can't talk. There's no point. Another of her mantras.

i know it's over. It's just a case of finding out how it all ends now. And when.

Uselessly, i keep track. It's 42 months now.