Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 2 June 2019

Woah there

Okay, so my last entry comes out of nowhere and part of the raison d'etre of this blog is to record things so that I don't foget them and I've already started to forget.

After the 7 April entry Tilly and I had some more tribulations. It culminated in her explaining that being sexually incompatible wasn't an indication that we would never have sex again, by way of her getting angry that she needed to "put out" (her words) or face divorce (the incident ended with her declaring that divorce was the only option, only to later rescind it after about two hours of me providing childcare whilst she failed to shop and cried a lot). She agreed that we could try but, again, there was no promise of any particular resolution.

My online Holder, from the emlalock site and to do with my decision to try chastity, got back in touch. Within a couple of days I was back in chastity and in a session she started on emlalock. I have been warned before on here about online mistresses but I am a sucker. What is the attraction? A friend once asked me what the attraction was about chastity, and I have never really had a satisfactory answer. But I think I have a bit of one now: it's about feeling that someone else cares. Being locked alone is... well, it's nice and all, but I couldn't do it for very long. Having a Holder? Well, I managed 51 days the first time and the second just finished, around 48 days. The difference is having someone else care a bit about what I do. Okay, this second session was a little unsatisfying, after Easter my Holder sort of dropped out and apart from a short e-mail every six days or so I had no contact. The biggest deal was the week my family were away on holiday and I got to dress.

I was going to record that here, but didn't.

Upshot? I was dressed at home and did cleaning. I liked it. The end. I also got the usual despair and depression that accompanies these acts of freedom because no one else cares and it seems a bit silly on my own. It's that caring element that is the turn on. Not denying that dressing is fun, it is, and not saying I didn't dress, I did, just that... well, it seems empty without some form of interaction. The other other reason for me keeping a blog I guess.

My self-imposed femdom at work thing was also... interesting. It continues and my workmate continues to grow in teasing (at least, I think it's teasing? It may just be what being a friend to Her looks like, hard to tell) as well as just getting used to it. I like it, She likes it. But that is dangerous too and I accept that. Whatever else is going on I am still married, sort of, and I am still me. That precludes an affair on many levels, principally moral ones but also the practical ones of not really being attractive enough to carry anything out nor really be appealing to a woman in general, even one to whom I have decided to defer.

The second period of chastity ended this morning, I don't anticipate any further contact this time from my Holder.

Anyway, some extra hugs and even kisses on the lips from Tilly have been the context and the backdrop for my last entry. And, after that event, the following day, sometime around 1600 hrs Tilly finally offered some reassurance: "I don't think that will happen," she texted "I hope it doesn't." Not as a reassuring as I think she was assuming.

Since then? She bought me some chocolate with the slogan "I love you more than chocolate" on it, which was nice, and has encouraged me to go to bed at the same time as her a few times. Apart from one night where I fell asleep first she has either fallen asleep, typed work or looked at Facebook. She actually attempted a conversation last night but was on the cusp of sleep and failed to get very far.

And, well, that's it for now. I'm struggling, as always, and feeling very lonely on the edge of marking, like normal.