Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 26 September 2016

You Can't Tune a Radio to Heaven

How to top official news.

One of the ales mentioned.
This is a good pale, in case that floats your
Hmm. Well, I'm not sure I can. I'm still where I was, I'm mostly weathering things but I am also being a bit pants. Talking with Harry at work caused me to do my usual divulging all the wrong things to all the wrong person at all the wrong time with all the wrong words. That's why Harry provided me with beers to drink over the weekend but, thankfully, asked no more. Today has passed without any significant divulgence in that regard and so I think I can score a victory? The weekend went well enough, much ale (for me) was imbibed on the Friday, Saturday was mostly on routine (always a life saver) with a nip to my local for a half and then Sunday was spent at the local nature reserve looking at trees and shit like it was in the old days when we had woods out the back of our house. I'm not complaining.

Back home then for a mowing of the lawn, as now I have a lawn mower and can nominally do man-tasks such as mowing the lawn and weeding. Which is what I did. I had an ale, that had been chilling since the beginning of August, in celebration of having done man things and then did nothing in the evening.

Score for the weekend was four ales, no work and some family time. Yay? I don't know. I mean, I'm no alcoholic, but four is more than my more usual one a week - and last year was less than that. Eh, I'm sanguine. Managed to get some marking done today at work and mostly carry out the tasks assigned. And given that on Thursday I had a conversation with the Head in which my results were clearly pointed out as being sub-par (but they are, to be fair) I think I'm doing mostly fine with the stresses and strains of life for the moment.

Not in real life though.
I did have some odd dreams and they revolved around memories of my Mad-Ex though. Details are hard to write out but there was that time she had me in handcuffs (I'm sure I've mentioned this before) and in pink combats and a rainbow cardy. I imagined if she had added chastity to that (you know my predilections by now) and that's been much of my nights at the moment. I shan't detain you by writing out the full scenarios, mainly because they've been done so well by others that I can add nothing to them and, well, I'm not sure I can write what's in my head, much less anyone read it. I did, however, buy a cassette player. For £20. Which may be a bit shit. Or my tapes are old. Who knows. Not sure it was the best buy I've ever made. Well, it has a radio. Tilly was less than impressed and even angry at first, she was hoping I'd just junk all my tapes. You know, in fairness, given how shit the tapes play... I may.

And that's all I have for now.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016


Tilly may not agree, so it's not quite as fully as the graphic
would otherwise indicate, but this is pretty close to my
feelings on the matter.

Maybe with more swearing.

Strangely, not encouraged when announcing pregnancy.
It is now official, we have announced it on the Book of Faces following a scan that showed a growing (and rather active) mini-person: Tilly is pregnant. A third child is on the way and there's no going back nor denial of the situation. It is time to prepare for the inevitable. I mean, I've known this for quite a while and have started planning for it already. I'd argue that I have a plan from back when it was brought up as an option and I said no: I am under no illusions and kinda suspected that, as usual, my own thoughts on the matter would have little bearing on the reality. However, now Tilly has also accepted that she is actually having a child. She is, of course, very excited about it all. She'd already stolen a march on me by the "wanting a child but not yet" thing, but now she's sufficiently far advanced that I must seem quite churlish by comparison. Telling people at work was difficult.

Illustrative of a feeling I guess.

In this case not sought nor enjoyed.
Harry was enthusiastic and made many jokes that were designed to be at my expense in a sort of supportive fashion and would have been fine if I were remotely into the concept of having a baby. Harry was thus surprised to learn that I was not remotely up for it. I had to reveal this because I was getting tired of the 'jokes' about having three and having hands full etc. Yes, these probably work well with neuro-typicals who want children or with NTs who don't but can lie effectively about how they feel. I cannot. Alice was also supportive but in a more subdued way, I can cope with that. With everyone else I'm playing the in-out game: I pop in, tell them the news, listen to the coo-ing and the smiles and then fuck off before I'm asked to comment further. The joy of teaching means that there's always something more important that I can be doing than talking shit about having children. And, male privilege, it is assumed I don't want to talk family. I can play to that narrative to mask my actual feelings, turns out I'm good at that.

I've had Scroobius Pip in my head for a while now and he remains there despite new Pet Shop Boy B-sides dropping recently on YouTube and a new obsession with watching people playing Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. I am up to date with my work things, in a way I was totally not this time last year, and I am continuing to imbibe and enjoy ale in a way that I wasn't last year too. I recently went to that beer festival I referenced in my last post and that went very well indeed.

The lovely chilli infused red ale from
Siren Craft Brewing Company in the gigantic
tipi. It was really very nice before lunch.

I had the Ace of Citra from Brewdog to
accompany my pork and beef burger.
It was up where I used to live, I sampled some twelve ales (in thirds) and enjoyed the vast majority. I like stouts rather a lot, apparently, and a US brewery called Founders made a really good Imperial Stout at 10.5% ABV - lovely and thick and creamy. I highly recommend it if you see it. And there was a really good chilli infused red ale too, very much my kinda thing. It ought not to have worked, being a bit strong on the spice side and thus far from thirst quenching, but it really did and it wasn't that I was drunk or too far gone to notice. It just actually worked. Which was nice. There was some kerfuffle with a sensor telling me I had a puncture when I didn't but that was pretty minor and I had a good chat on the way home whilst charging with other EV owners - something I had heard happened but have never experienced - and that was really nice. Once again I ruminated on the fact that I could have taken a nightie and no one would have noticed or cared but I didn't because I am me and I don't do that sort of thing.

There's some really good sartorial reviews, if you want to know that sort of thing, published at a blog I have discovered called Project Shandy (there is some meta-connection that my good friend will know but it is sufficiently removed that I don't mind sharing the link here for people who like a well-written look at clothing for people who like expressive clothes). The recent posts on jackets and skirts have made for interesting reading actually and I am not ashamed to admit that. Not even on the usual "ooh, that would be titillating to wear" front either - I realise that I do just like the clothes, you know?

Hello, an animated picture of some ale I
like. But I recommend it. Worth a pop!

Very grapefruit and peach. Very worth it. 6.5%
My family have reacted in ways that have been predicted for the most part to the news above, but not entirely. Twas my Father that pushed most for division on whether or not we were planning a third, my Mother seemed quite excited (after she'd shown me her new car, the wonders of video phones) but, as Tilly pointed out, if my Mother is the source of the autism that makes sense. Her husband is currently winning in the number of grandchildren box and this gives her something new to talk about that is relatively positive. My Father is still smarting from when we told his wife first about our second - something he considered insensitive. It was revealed about three years later that this was because of the still-born baby his wife had had with him some five years previously about which he had told me nothing until the point three years after we'd announced our second. So, insensitive because I broached birth with someone still grieving over an event that I had never been told had happened, because that is how my Father operates. For those keeping score, he's the NT one. I often, these days, say I don't understand neuro-typical people, this is the sort of thing that makes me say that. So, yes, he was less enthusiastic and I can't totally blame him, trying to play nice and in-out with family is harder than with work because I don't have immediately pressing tasks to be getting on with or a way to politely fuck off from the conversation having dropped the news like a time bomb.

There's not a lot else to relate at the moment. Things are mostly positive, mostly. Some underlying issues but they are underlying, which is a change, and even Tilly seems mostly happy.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Get Better

I recently rediscovered Scroobius Pip. There you go.

Unrelated images hoah!
Also, Heartgear on Deviantart (apparently) produced the kind of comic strip experience I wish I'd had when I was younger. Hell, when I was at University would have done. You can find that strip's first episode here, and it's well worth reading through a couple of times. First just to see the story, which is pretty good actually, then to read the commentary along side, which is pretty illuminating. And then a third time just to see what was done again. After that, well, you may or may not return. I was amazed by it and I still am. When I consider what I could have done and did not, well... Anyway, yes, there are also videos by the artist and they are also worth a watch, though they were less immersive than the comic strip. Trust me when I say that the strip is relevant to our interests and that it gets better.

Work has begun again and things is mostly fine. I'm struggling to get work done away from work, despite having moved to a charge at home model for my EV (so no more driving out to the local service station for a rapid charge where I always thought I would get work done and then totally didn't, which increased the stress levels last year), but it is early days yet. Tilly is doing well giving me space and time which makes me feel a bit guilty as I am still just as shit as ever at doing that sort of thing back in a meaningful sense.

More unrelatedness
I think I've related already about reading Aspergirls and it struck me then, and afresh today, that much of what is described in there has a bearing on my own lived experience. The article that I shared in my last post about staying in the closet resonates here too. I find it fascinating that a book in which the Aspergic author points out the inherent dispensation of culture by Aspergic people, and makes a case for gender being mostly constructed by society, suggests that there are gender differences (and all of them seem a tad forced, like the author doesn't quite believe that there are but has been told there are and has no evidence to the contrary). Also the whole androgyny thing, yes, I can relate with that more than I can with the idea of being fully dysphoric. I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't like to try but that's just it, I would try. For that reason, whatever else is going on with my gender, I cannot speak for nor about the struggles others undergo on these points.

I read Robot Hugs today, all about consent castles, and that made me a little sad inside. I suspect that's a function of my own naivety in romantic relationships. It seems that loads of people, and our culture, expect a great deal more adventurousness than seems to actually occur within relationships. Or, and this is equally possible, people don't talk about it and so appear equally staid. We had some friends up over the summer and I recall that Jeremy, for twas he, had disclosed to me back when deciding whether, in his words, to "take the risk" of falling for his now wife that she had offered to do "whatever he wanted" in the bedroom. Occasional unguarded remarks suggest that this is something they still do after two children. Now, I'm not suggesting that I would want what he has, I wouldn't, but it does contrast starkly with my own lived experience. But a lot of things do.

Anyway, yes, work is going fine at the moment, despite low grades, and we'll see how the rest of the week goes. I'm heading back to where I used to work for a beer festival this weekend, which could be very nice indeed. I mean, I'll be in drab, but beer is beer, right?

Animated caption from the internet. Sorry, no attrib.