Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Follow up

I spent today working. Can't complain, massive pile of marking is now completed, but it's been a hard day. Tilly looked after the children, for which I am grateful but also very guilty. Boy blew up right before bed, threw himself about and knocked his head on the top of his headboard. He and I talked about it. I feel I handled it well, reminding him that it was okay to feel angry and upset even if it made him feel bad. I reminded him of the happiness he had felt at other points of the day, how he had been kind and cheerful and excited at different things and with different people. Being angry didn't make me love him any less, and his Mummy and Daddy are always happy on one level because we have him as our Boy and his sister as our Girlie. I tackled his guilt, after he started displaying it, and told him that he didn't need to feel that (but it was fine for him to feel it) any more. It seemed to work, he went to sleep much more easily tonight than any point recently.

The video above is a bit skippy, sorry, it does not do the song justice. B-side to Hey Matthew, which I have on 7" vinyl somewhere. It's a brilliant song, but... well.

No, I'm guilty because Tilly didn't manage to get any work done (her new laptop was suborned by the children to watch some Gummy Bears for a change). When she did get to write with Carol, earlier than usual, Carol had a blow-out and they've spent three hours in the back and forth that followed and Tilly hasn't managed to get any of the other things she wanted to do done. So, having completed my tasks, with her help, I was met with irritation. I gave a hug but was shoo-ed away. I was also ousted from the room, so I have retreated to bed and I'm writing this. Tilly hates any kind of physical contact or conversation when she's upset and/or angry so I'll aim to be asleep when she comes up.

The song above is called Faust by Pavel Dovgel. It's moody.

Last night was very cold indeed and, in bed, I reflected on the fact that though we'd gone together, Tilly wrapped up in her duvet in such a way that there was no way to share any physical contact. Do you think couples snuggle on cold nights? Is that what one does in a relationship? Toby and I would spoon, she was the big spoon, and sleep like that all night. But Toby was slightly unhealthily mad and so I have no idea if that is normal or not. I enjoyed it. I would like to repeat it. But I cross-dress and so my compass on what is and is not acceptable or desirable is a little skew-whiff.

Yes, it's the Pet Shop Boys. Obviously.

On a forum I frequent, someone asked a question: "could you ever love a cross-dresser?" Interestingly, there had been about 15 responses. It's not a place normally associated with sexual deviance either and so membership may be more representative than the circles I usually move in on forums online. The men suggested that it was possible, not from them as they were straight; but all of the women, bar one, said no. Not at all. That was 9/10 women. That's... compelling. Of the 9, six suggested that it was a disgusting habit and three said cross-dressing men was fine but not someone they would be able to spend time with. The remaining one lamented a man she liked being unobtainable, and he was a cross-dresser who was gay. She'd love him, you see, if he were straight. That woman was also the youngest, 18-21 from her profile. Telling, no?

Too much to ask? Too much to ask.

No one deserves to be loved. No one deserves acceptance. But it would be nice if no one had to.


  1. Just about every post you write makes me respect you more and more. I adore how you handled Boy. I see far to many parents chastising their children for feeling anger or displaying frustration. It seems all to rare for people to explain to children that it’s okay to feel angry and upset. That’s the first step in educating children on how to handle their own emotions. Feeling something is perfectly okay and normal… how you act upon it is the true measure of maturity.

    Writing that myself makes me pull back from my original thought. You see, my original intent was to chastise you on feeling guilty. You feel guilty for your wife having a bad day while you worked? I wanted to yell at you and tell you that you had no reason to feel guilt. Feeling bad that she had a bad day? Well sure, that’s normal. You love her and wouldn’t want to see her experience anything other than joy… but feeling guilty? No. But your own words ring truer…

    (you) don’t need to feel that (your guilt) but it’s find for you to feel it.

    There’s something else that you said that I take umbrage with though: “But I cross-dress and so my compass on what is and is not acceptable or desirable is a little skew-whiff.”

    No no no no no NOOO! You have wants and desires. Everybody has wants and desires. Outside of hearing voices, being manipulative, or being manic/depressive, your wants and desires are acceptable AND desirable. Maybe not to the 15 random people that answered a post on a forum… maybe not the majority of people… but a minority opinion is not by definition a wrong opinion.

    Let’s take an example completely out of the gender/sex arena: I don’t like baseball. Yes, I’m a middle aged white American that doesn’t like ‘The National Pastime’. I am a in a firm minority. Does my ‘abnormal’ or ‘minoirty’ opinion on baseball mean that my compass on what is and is not acceptable on other things ‘a little skew-wiffed’?

    I’m not sure if the majority of couples snuggle on could nights. In the rare circumstances where I was sharing my bed with a woman I can say that I liked to snuggle. I tend to be the ‘Big Spoon’ but only because if we switched places it would be like a teaspoon spooning a ladle. The fact that I don’t like baseball has no bearing on whether my opinion on cuddling is valid or not. The fact that you cross-dress has no bearing on whether your opinion on cuddling is valid or not.

    About the only thing that I can think of your cross-dressing as skewing would be your opinion on women’s fashion. You probably have a higher appreciation of women’s fashion than most other men. Your opinions on politics, sex, world events, sports, literature, or blogging aren’t affected by the fact that you cross-dress.

    And while I don’t beat this dead horse, I still think it’s worth repeating. The one feature I see commonly in good loving people is their desire to make each other happy. I see that from you in spades… your desire to make those around you happy is done with verve, vitality, vigor. I don’t see that from Tilly toward you. When she does anything to make you happy its work. Work that need repayment.

    You Deserve Someone Who Loves You.

    1. Thank you for the comment. It does mean a lot.

      Good link between baseball and cross-dressing. Though I think I was driving mainly at the sexual deviance angle. Whether or not it IS actually sexually deviant is almost irrelevant. The more I learn about people the more it seems that STRAIGHT cross-dressing is the problem. It's too much to handle. People don't seem to be able to cope with the concept of people wanting to dress but not to pass or to become a woman.

      And the fact that I DO cope with that, on an innate and fundamental level, implies that my compass on intimacy is significantly differently calibrated to most other people - skew-whiff. It makes it hard for me to accurately judge what is or is not normal in a relationship.

      I did spoon, as the big one, Tilly once. She let me do it. But it was a chore for her and I haven't tried since as a consequence.

      And yes, it is work from Tilly, because I am not easy to please and harder to even make crack a smile, let alone actually be happy.

      I say again, thank you. And you have my apologies for banging on about 'couple' problems when I'm in an actual relationship with a significant other. It's like First World Problems but in the context of relationships.


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!