Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 10 December 2014


Wonder and fantasy all at once.
As a youngster I remember being fascinated with tales of the unexplained, mysteries, and the wonderment that came with them. My aim in reading about them was always to find an explanation rather than simply to marvel at the stories and leave them as mysteries - I was perfectly prepared to find that the suppositions and the marvelous stories were false, I was interested in the answers. This attitude surprised my mother and sometimes even angered my father who both maintained that part of the thrill and the interest was the mystery and that ruining the mystery was a problem. So it was that I enjoyed reading the more outlandish theories but would readily accept, and even welcome, iconoclastic theories that held water to disprove them. Take the whole thing with Area 51, for example, I was perfectly prepared to accept that it was a government testing facility for aircraft and that most of them were far from clever - it was a testing zone. Even the more outlandish tales seem to hint that there's nothing more to it than random aircraft.

This pragmatic approach has coupled with my whimsy in odd ways, leading me to enjoy the unrestrained speculation on the Enterprise Mission website with regards NASA and toroid physics whilst doubting much of what they say. I have chased down tales of cryptozoology on giant squid (imagine my happiness at the discovery that such things not only existed but have been caught on film now) and UFOs simply because they are fascinating. And I prefer fiction to fact when reading, so there's that.

Joanna - as I appear on Twoo - I like this as an avatar
because it is 'real' and still attractive.

I do hope I don't prejudice anything the original person
does in future.
It also means that I find being online and acting out a role - as I do in many places - rather easy. The skills of deception and being believable are pretty easy for me to utilise. I am, it appears, a damn' good liar. My G+ account, associated with here, has a profile on a social network called Twoo and there Joanna has been propositioned for cyber with someone else claiming to be female. It was... an interesting experience and one that I confess I enjoyed. All the more, I suspect, because I know that even when Tilly is fully well again there is no chance of even talking about, much less carrying out, the fantasies explored of domination and submission and restraint of both parties. On another website, alluded to last night, I have met someone who is very interested in and complimentary of my pictures of me cross-dressed. Again, in both cases, I am not me. Or, rather, I am more Joanna. Not the full 'me' that posts here and discusses things, but a hived-off separate version of Joanna that can be whatever I want her to be and is responsive to the needs and expectations of others. Like when I cybered as a female with a man on G+, and enjoyed it, it was like that - at one level removed.

Or is it just my desire to be a cheating arsehole?
I think it is connected to my love of mysteries and the unexplained. It is a facet of my ability to lie and it is motivated primarily by my complete inability to articulate my sexual appetites to Tilly in a way that doesn't get closed down or have me dry up and wait, vainly, for her to ask. I realise that she will never ask, that I need to make my views known myself and without prompting, but I also know that I am a coward and that this is highly unlikely. In the meantime, I guess I am cheating. I guess I am an adulterer (making me pretty bad in God's eyes) as I am cheating with my mind - the important part - if I were to cheat with my body now it would hardly make a difference. I mean, I won't, but that's my distinction not God's and all sin reeks equally to My Favourite Imaginary Friend Who I Believe Created the Universe.

Yeah, I'm feeling guilty. And I should. Because what I am engaged in is not right, I know that.

Tilly's contract is now signed, it will be sent off in the morning and she will begin work proper on writing the book. She maintains a writing relationship with her buddy online who went to London with her. This is not cheating. It may form part of my rationalisation for what I do though. It does not excuse or legitimise what I am doing, for I hope to meet one or both people from last night again tonight, but it explains, to me, my motivations.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!