Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 10 November 2014


But but but... someone is wrong on the internet!
Apparently I am good at being this online. I have narrowly avoided really offending someone on another forum I frequent, but I can see why they were upset - I am unclear. It was also about parenting. They said they had a responsible daughter (which I believe) and that they had achieved this by being demanding and authoritarian during arguments with them. I responded that this was unlikely and that they had a trusting relationship more because of what was done the rest of the time - of which they should be proud.

Me, on reading the crap and then, again, on finding out that
I had been blocked.
I suspect it came across as needlessly complicated and a tad sarcastic. I salvaged it by being honest - I wrote a quick and uncomplicated apology via PM, no niggling just an apology, and then a quick response apologising in public too. Cooler heads then prevailed and the whole ugly incident was put to bed, which is good, because I spent all day worrying about. My natural anxieties are always heightened in cases where I may have upset a complete stranger on the internet. However, in the fall-out, it appears that I may have offended someone else and I can't work out how or why. It appears to be unconnected but, because I have been blocked, I can't even ask what I did. I doubt this person will ever read this blog, but in case they do - whatever it was I apologise.

Specific enough?
It got me thinking. This blog is nearing three years old and most of what is on here revolves around my mental state and feeling guilty about amorphous and blobby things. There's a lot on here, even before learning the terms, about things with Tilly and treatment at work and the belief in both places that I actively invite and encourage abusive behaviour of me. The response to the forum is similar, I think I try far too hard to have people like me, it makes it hard for me to ask for what I want and, by now, it's hard to be specific about what I want.

I wouldn't mind this. But I know that my beard gets in the way,
and shaving it makes me 'look twelve'.
Take in sex as an example. I know what I want in general terms but, without prompting, I know that there will be no experimentation on me. I need to ask, and be specific and be willing to ask. In our latest attempts I did all the experimentation and she also told me what she wanted, which we did. She enjoyed what she asked for and what I suggested for her. But there was no reciprocal behaviour. And I know that's because she doesn't know what to try but... I guess I'm expecting a bit much for someone to intuit when they're barely able to muster their own desires in sex. I lack the courage to ask for anything, given the response to cross-dressing and the possible responses to BDSM etc.

So, there you have it. Introspection, who'd have thunk.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!