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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 21 September 2014

A week in politics...

Another vision of femininity in the past and north of the
border. Well, I am nothing if not a romantic in these matters.
This was the week of the Scottish Referendum. I'm actually one of those that would have been saddened to see the back of Scotland, their input to the UK is very much one I appreciate and a moderating one in these times of neo-liberalism running rampant. Furthermore, I grew up in the Borders and so I have a sentimental attachment to being able to nip over the border and back as well as something of a penchant for the history that is on offer there. There's much more the locals of my childhood haunts have in common with people just across the border than they do with the southerners with whom they share a geographical area. That said, as the campaigns wound down, the constant lies that were being bandied around made me want the Scots to leave, they deserve better and greater respect from Westminster, if I'm honest, and independence may get them out while they can still do it - as well as blazing a trail with renewables, NHS spending and equality. Even if Salmond had got into bed with Souter and Murdoch - odious creatures - at least the Scots could assert their own views and maybe replace them with the Scottish Greens. It wasn't to be. Whilst a part of me is glad, another part is very disappointed. Still, Cameron seems pleased that 45% of Scots clearly see him as a twat, which is always amusing.

We call this a den.

Do people in the USA call it a 'pillow fort'?

Anyway, the Boy would prefer a knitted blanket as, and I
quote: "it 'as 'oles in it so I can see out and 'ight 'an 'um eeen!"
It's also the week where Tilly and I had another in depth conversation about our sexless status and I generally fell down a lot trying to recover my sleepless night earlier in the week. The Girlie has calmed again, we put in her new bed this weekend and she is as pleased as punch. We're still getting flashes of insanity but she is, at least, sleeping better and enjoying her new bed. The Boy is also very pleased to have his old bed back with space for a den on the upper bunk - now a nest for reading but he wants a blanket to make it a proper den (who am I to argue?). On the child front, then, the war is winding down and maybe I can get a better run at the week than last. The exam results have loomed large in discussions with the Head and some decisions that have had to be made, but I have tried to stick to my guns and we shall see where we end up. It's going to be a tougher year than last year and my imposter syndrome is rampant also - mind you, I may just be showing my true colours again.

Well, I lol'd.
I'm still hopelessly addicted to pornography and GetDare, where I am getting a little ahead of myself, and using some faproulettes. I'd like to claim that it was because of the 8 months since the last attempt at sexual relations but I would be lying. I managed two years without succumbing in the past so it's just that I'm a bit shit. I've had a long discussion online with someone who claims to have been cured of being a TS with GID, I am skeptical, and am questioning my own desires to dress in clothes that society has deemed are for people that are physically different to me. Not sure whether that's because of society and the forbidden or whether I am truly a tad autistic in this so that it's more a lack of understanding as to why any human body wrapping would be different. Meh, who knows. Does God hate me for it? No. Does God consider cross-dressing a sin? Jury remains out. For me. There's a verse in the Bible calls it a detestable practice, which seems pretty unequivocal, but I also had pre-marital hanky-panky with my wife.

From here on in we're back to TMI, so there's a line break.

Loving the curtsey, but I'd rather identify with her on the left.

Conversational warfare was rejoined on the subject of our sexless relationship. Tilly fired the first salvo after conversation was opened: would I not wait longer if we had just started going out and she didn't want sex? After some to-ing and fro-ing we came to the conclusion that no, it was not the same, and that I was dating things as being longer than the two months since she had agreed to try again - because it seemed a little unfair to start later, I thought. Also, having actually had sex and two children, I thought the comparison a tad spurious. Tilly had caught a glimpse of one of the teases on milovana, a picture of a woman with a bare arse as it happens, when we were sharing a sofa. She was confused and a little hurt.

She explained that, given the situation, she couldn't really tell me off for looking at pornography (though she felt it was demeaning and degrading to those involved and a little insulting to her as my wife generally) but she could at least expect me to keep it private. I explained that she was probably right but that I didn't really know what else to do. I got little private time to myself anyway and so it wasn't something I could neatly compartmentalise. Maybe I shouldn't bother with it, she countered. I ended up babbling about looking for things more about emotional connection than mechanical shitty pornography. Which is true, but then Tilly argued that this was worse as it was what is missing from our relationship. I agreed. The subject died a moment. However, I agreed that I shouldn't be looking somewhere where she could be seeing it, which seemed fair.

We briefly mentioned the fact that I hadn't dressed in ages. She inquired as to whether I needed more time to do that and I asked how such time might be arranged when she didn't really want to know about me doing it, nor wanted to be in the house when I did. She had no answer, gaped like a fish for a bit and then I changed the subject out of mercy.

Attention then turned to our (lack of) sex life. I pointed out that she was uninterested in doing anything sexual and that I didn't know what turned her on, let alone what she actually wanted out of sex. She opined that she had been clear on what she got from it, had stated as much, and maybe I was Aspergeric. I countered that saying and doing were different things. She agreed, what about simply observing what she liked in sex? I made a point that I hadn't really seen that for eight months and went on to say that it was clear that she was into some limited parts of sex and not a lot else, and I still didn't really know how much was for show and how much was real. I then decided to take the initiative - if I were to guess what she wanted how did she know what I wanted?

We spoke of the human sexuality map that I had sent to her and how she felt it was too bald and it would mostly be rejected out of hand simply because she wasn't in the mood. I could ask "in the moment" and get a more realistic response. So I pointed out that a vast majority of the plethora of options would still be rejected and may end up with an end to any sexy times we were having. She was essentially asking me to risk the incredibly rare occasions we had sex in return for not a lot of chance of learning anything. I added that asking in sexy times had turned her right off when she first moved in and before we were married. She resented my implication. So, I pushed, how did she know what I liked? What was it she did that wasn't asking directly that told her what I wanted? She eventually admitted defeat - she has no bloody clue what I want and has never asked. I don't want to tell her because she wouldn't listen unless 'in the moment' and, then, would see it as me being disconnected. She agreed.

Conversation turned to my confusion (note how she still didn't ask or answer my own question about what she wanted) over what had happened in January. She shrugged, a one off? I said it wasn't about having had sex, but about what had happened afterward: she had built up to Valentine's Day, blown it off due to being on the blob and then nothing until a month or so later when she dropped the bombshell that she may not ever want sex again. I asked what had caused this shift. This led to tears - a former friend from Church had had their son die of cancer after a long wait for it to happen in that time and Tilly had been reading their blog. It had caused her to become emotional. And it did so again. She was still affected by it and didn;t want to come across as being stupid - she felt stupid reacting to it. I reassured her that she was not stupid.

Throughout the conversation she had been taking notes on her research into Parish registers for an article on witches she is going to write. And for her blog. By this point she was spending longer on them and with increasingly longer pauses after I said anything. I admitted defeat and got my laptop out and started reading blogs, GetDare and Limited Audience. Conversation continued for a little bit then dried up altogether. Then it died. It has not been revisited since then (Thursday evening).

We watched a DVD on Friday. The Remains of the Day with Emma Thompson (one of Tilly's favourite actresses) and Anthony Hopkins. Tilly said that sex could have been an option, she said today, but had finished the evening without so much as touching me (okay, her legs were on my lap, but she had brushed away a few attempted hugs and, despite watching a love story, had been very much against any kissing or cuddling beyond that) and then said "I'm too bloody tired, so much for an early night!" I didn't think the augurs had been that positive for sex. As I was mulling this over Tilly added, today, "oh, and apart from the fact I'm on the blob." So, bollocks then.

And that's where we are right now. Because you really wanted to know.


  1. I *did* want to know. And really, it sounds like she understood some of the very valid points you brought up. Maybe not ready to accept them...but certainly thinking about the unfair, no-win situation she has created for you. I call that progress.

    Honestly, is it possible that she time-traveled from the Victorian Era? Soooo repressed on all things sexual.

    (Your site has taken a distinct dislike to me Google account. Forced into anonymity!)

    1. I wish I knew who to take the fact your account isn't working with! They need to get their act in gear!

      I am also glad to hear from you on here and thank you for your insight, as always. You have cut to the quick and you're right. And yes, I do wonder where Tilly gets her ideas regarding sexuality from and what's going on there. I can't believe I'm *less* repressed!

      Thanks again,



All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!