Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 30 June 2014


I've said before how much I love flowers.
I got them on a whim for Tilly.

I have posted previously about being in a sexless marriage. However, in amongst the other terms I learned the term "refuser" - Tilly is not one. Why? She refuses nothing. I don't even bother advancing or initiating sexual relations and attempts to be intimate fail. Last night, she was home late and we talked while she had a glass of wine. It was companionable. But I couldn't help but continue marking whilst we talked. I suggested we talk in bed, to remove my laptop. She agreed. We talked. I reached out to hold her hand, rested on her forearm but she made no move at all. When I moved closer she subtly shifted backward. Today, I stroked her hair, she let me. I moved closer and she walked away. I bought her flowers. She said "thank you" enthusiastically. Asked me to arrange them, smelled them and that was it. I leaned in for a kiss, she pulled away. That last one wasn't connected to the flowers.

She continues to hug and kiss the children. She posted in her parenting blog about how she uses physical cues with our children to smooth over rough edges, to make up after being short or angry or simply to just reconnect after time apart. She does not do this with me. She actively avoids it.

Why it's my fault: I married to be supported, not to support. I married, dated, to try and capture that feeling of being wanted by another rather than to offer the same. In short, I was selfish. I am selfish.

Do I need to explain?

I feel very much like I would want to look like this when I feel
like this. The fact is that I cannot. And the fact that I want to
is probably a huge factor in why I feel like it in the first
place. Ha, the tangled web of human sexuality.

I fucking hate it.

I used to listen to sad songs about love and I would feel under-valued and lonely. I hated being single. I dreamed, uselessly, about a relationship in which I would gain the love I felt I lacked and in which I could be myself. Except that I didn't really know what that meant. Over time I have come to realise who I am and the impossibility of that being something that others would want.

No, that's not to say I am unlovable, just that I had unrealistic expectations about being accepted solely for who I turned out to be when I bothered to actually find out. I was looking for unconditional love and acceptance and it didn't matter what I brought to the table. That omission, that failure to work out what I could offer, initially meant no relationships. Then it meant an unhealthy one that was better for me having broken it up - she grew as a person and became confident enough to gain the relationship she deserved. My second relationship still confuses me. Perhaps I should have avoided the allure or else recognised what was being offered - I was accepted at least and I spurned it because I was confused and inexperienced and didn't know what was being accepted.

Tilly... she loves me. But I cannot, and have not, supported her as she needed. The situation we are in is a direct consequence of that. She has moulded to adapt and I have not. She is happy. I am not.

I think it was Travis that asked, back in the late 1990s,
why does it always rain on me?

I suspect it's because I have never carried an umbrella and
because I have a habit of interpreting mindless chance in
weather conditions as being a deliberate attack on my mood.

Figuratively speaking of course.
And how much of this is down to my cross-dressing? I ask this because it seems that everyone in a relationship who is also cross-dressing or has something approaching GID or any kind of TG issue seems to be having the same problem. Very few have anything approaching a spouse that is actively supportive let alone one that remains loving and physically intimate (and no, I don't just mean sex). In fact, even five months in, I could cope with the lack of sex, I really could (there's porn, right?), if only there were some physical intimacy that was initiated, or even reciprocated, or even accepted by Tilly. My desire for holding hands, for kissing and snuggling is considered to be emotionally illiterate, or at least immature, by Tilly. She would snuggle, she says, but for the pressure it would engender to have sex. My mentioning sex twice since the start of the Easter holidays (so, what, about two months ago now) is "going on about it all the time" and "pressurising" her to the point where any flicker of physical desire she feels is crushed beneath the weight of expectation and frustration. So she says. Is that because of my habits? I think it might be. I'm hardly approachable.

And so perhaps I am unrealistic. No, I am unrealistic. I have always been unrealistic. It's why I was single for so long (I count single-ness as beginning around 15 when most of my friends had had 'relationships' rather than from 13 when my brother had his first proper relationship - he's abnormal in this) and why I only had two relationships before Tilly. I am odd, intense and, well, hardly a catch. Physically or spiritually or based on my personality.

Ah, depression, I've missed you.

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