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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 5 August 2013


Isn't it divine?
Today the car went in for an MOT, giving me some time alone in a place with many charity shops and so, naturally, I went into nearly all of them and had a good look at what was on offer in terms of female clothing. As ever there were few tops that I would look twice at, plenty of skirts that I would happily own and wear and some bridal stuff that had me sighing on the inside that I would never get to wear anything so over-the-top frilly and feminine.

But it got me thinking, as such things invariably do, about self-image and clothing in general. There have been thoughts on this over at Stana's Femulate blog that are much better presented and famous than anything I could cobble together but, because I am me, I'm going to try anyway.

But, you see, there are plenty of women who aren't your
College-Age type who still ooze femininity.
Mind you, even this plays to the stereotype. I know
I'm not any better.
It would appear that most TG people tend to focus on the younger end of the spectrum, or at least, many of the people of whom I am aware do so. That's not to say all, far from it, but there is a definite trope among most TG people that tends toward the young and pretty rather than, say, the older or the less classically pretty. Oh, there's geek chic and the like, but most of the images of this genre tend to be very pretty. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I get it, most people have views of themselves when they were younger that borders on the rose-tinted or they have internal views that they would like to match that are attractive in ways that they currently aren't. There's lots that makes sense there, I mean, if you're going to be changing your image from one sex to another then you may as well go the whole hog with wish-fulfilment, right? Why stop at just one aspect.

Actually an image on confidence rather than any
kind of body issues but the emotion here seems
to fit.
My own self-image, as I have discussed on here before, is generally negative. I avoid looking in mirrors. Oh, I use them to brush my teeth or check that my hair hasn't done that thing it did back in school where a few would club together and raise an antenna for radio stations (yes, I got teased about that a lot as a child) or my calf-lick hasn't gone utterly mad or that my hair isn't doing my mushroom attempt to look like a nineties reject wedge style. Maybe I even look closely at my teeth to check there isn't food in them or wonder at how yellow they are (and I even use whitening toothpaste) naturally. I might even cast a quick eye over my beard to see if I can get away with not shaving for a while longer (I'm very very lazy about that). In the shower or after a bath I may even taunt myself with a look at my pigeon chest with the hair sprouting from my nipples and not much anywhere else. In the bath or shower I will inspect my other body hair for signs of dirt or unhealthiness hidden by it, or check out various body parts but this is very much in a disinterested fashion. Unless I look like a dangerous homeless person I generally won't look too closely. Indeed, I can go weeks without looking in a mirror at all.

It should, therefore, come as no surprise that I don't really consider what I look like in women's clothing. When I was looking at all of these clothes in the charity shops I was thinking primarily of how it looked rather than how it would look on me. When I wear these clothes I don't really consider how I look in them, mainly because I think I already know that answer: I look like a tit. Instead I focus on how they feel and what they, the clothes, look like. So much so that I really avoid looking in any kind of reflected surface when wearing them.

Yes, that dance. I did it in a
Goth club before moving on
to the very popular
'guess the weapon'
were we mimed various
weaponry a la 'Spaced'...
Dressing is, for me, an intensely private experience. My low body image is magnified a thousand fold when I am dressed en femme but not in such a way as to prevent me doing it, more like the same sort of way I avoid dancing in public spaces or in the view of people generally. In clubs I tend toward 'inappropriate dancing', that is, I dance in a way that deliberately avoids matching the style of music being played. I mosh to ABBA, I do the Staying Alive dance to Metallica, the Blockbusters dance to Death Metal... you get the idea. The point is that this way I can deliberately dance badly in view of real people. My mad-ex Toby once said that she was ashamed to be seen near me when I danced - I should point out that I was dancing properly then. Tilly has pointed out that I have no rhythm and has said many times she would not go clubbing with me again (in her defence, I got spooked the one time she did go to a club with me and ended up hiding behind a pillar before starting an argument that totally and irreparably damaged our relationship). So, now, I dance in private, where no one can see me. It is the same way when I am dressed.

I would look horrible in any of these.
I can dance on my own in a club where there is no one I know. I've done this back in the day, after University but before marriage. I can do the same dressed, I have done with my shoes that one time, because people who I do not know don't really exist for purposes of shame or privacy. But I went to pretty extravagant lengths to keep what I was doing secret even from these people.

Then there's the clothes, I tend to turn my nose up at most tops made for females, there are so few that appeal to me as there are so many I find myself rejecting. I can't do strappy tops or low-cut tops or low neckline tops or slightly see-through tops or sleeveless tops because of a lack of natural cleavage and the fact that my underarm hair resembles an entrance to Hell. As a consequence most blouses are out (transparency or low neckline issues) as are most t-shirts (underarm hair) or just plain tops (strappy and low-cut). I wonder how women cope. By contrast I am happy to consider skirts and some dresses, even women's trousers. Go figure.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!