Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above this and the "New Readers" tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 23 April 2013


I think this rather accurately sums up my relationship with
work that I find stressful.
Did I ever mention that I am avoidant? In times of high workload and stress I respond by, uh, doing less which, of course, merely compounds the problem. Take the planning of trips, which I put off and put off because I hate planning trips or the marking of work which I will find excuse after excuse not to do. It is not made any better when sleep patterns go out of the window - like staying up til midnight to mark work and then getting up at 5am to finish it off before work on Monday, followed by a night with the Boy who found sleep difficult between 11pm and 3am, only to wake and wake his sister at 6am today followed by an interview to keep my job at work - which I did.

However, it means that I lose another post that I have held concurrently for two years and so lose pay in September. On the day I also sent out an application to another job elsewhere. All the while wondering at a meeting in which my marking was brutally savaged and degraded, no, I'm not joking. At the moment my life feels... imbalanced.

Yes, I am imbalanced. See me looking pensive.
Okay, not actually me.
Female identification? Check.
Yes, that's probably the best description. On the one hand, I have things that are definitely looking up. I don't want to keep harping on about it but the recent change in physical relations with Tilly has also been accompanied by a positive change in other areas too. She seems more willing to talk about things, actually spend time together and just, well, be the woman I married. This is good. It has also allowed both of us to be better with the children, who have noticed the positive change and responded accordingly. This is brilliant, I am very happy. On the other hand I have loads on at work, not the horrid stress of the last two years, but enough that I am feeling stressed somehow. I had a nightmare a couple of days ago where a colleague ended up being the most frightful bully, they wouldn't do it in real life I know, but I was sweating and with high heart rate when I woke up and just really scared of work that day. I know that this is a precursor, I know that this is the edge of the black.

Yes, it looked like this. Yes, I spun. Yes, I was dizzy. Yes,
I liked the effect. No, I was not good in heels.
So, imbalanced. The Greeks applied the concept to health literally and directly through the Four Humours and it became known in Latinised languages as isonomia. Whilst the theory of the Four Humours is without scientific merit I cannot but think that the Greeks were on to something with the idea of balance. I seem unable to balance the different sections of my life very well. Snatching ten minutes to wear my new skirt and dance in boots on Sunday evening was a symptom of this. I want to enjoy the feeling, I want to dance, but I was so stressed and rushed that I forced it. I did dance, I did kinda enjoy it. I did not have the liberating feeling that I know usually accompanies being dressed.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!