Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Visitor's Guide


You'll see this a lot on here.  It has to be one of my
favourite and most inspiring images.
I noticed that there are loads of people who kindly check my blog and make me feel pretty good.  I also noticed that I am rather poor at introducing myself and don't leave many signposts.  So, here is my attempt to rectify that!

Happiness, this blog, started out simply as a place to record my feelings about my cross-dressing, something I don't or can't talk about elsewhere, and was so called because I realised that the overwhelming feeling I got from it was one of happiness.  It rapidly became a pretty standard journal type blog where I recorded my life for no real reason other than to record things I thought I might forget later.  Then I started adding other things to it, like my attempt at fiction, and general sundries.

Then people started stopping by and commenting on my posts and these lovely people made me... well, I liked the fact that kind people were saying such nice things.  If you would like to know where to start then may I suggest two monster posts detailing my first experiences with cross-dressing and romance, two recurring themes.

This is one of my favourite images too
because she seems so free of inhibitions
I guess the first point of order is to explain that I am Genderqueer. Which is a term that I have only recently understood and, even then, mainly through the webcomic El Goonish Shive (the pages that set the lightbulb off are on this page, and the link to the comic is here: link). I recommend doing some searching for yourselves if the term resonates but, for me, it seems to fit (the fact that I've had tags on 'feeling feminine' and 'feeling masculine' since 2012 probably means something on that score).

Secondly, I live in a sexless marriage. Again, I recommend searching rather than taking my experiences as being indicative, but the term can be generally understood as meaning a married couple who experience sexual intercourse up to ten times in a year period. This has been revealed to be down to my cross-dressing and, with a recent diagnosis, my ASD. Tilly and I reached an agreement that I can underdress and have the undergarments washed but this was rescinded within six months of having made the deal. It is unlikely to be restarted. I came out as submissive and that just made Tilly hate me more.

In terms of the effect cross-dressing has had I recommend looking at me Going Out and then follow up with the Discovery by my wife before checking out the initial musing on this under My Addiction and My Wife.  After that, can I recommend some positive musings such as Try It, Reflections and New Year Listings?  Other points of potential interest include Pressure Points and I Didn't Get Where I Am Today. A recent experiment with chastity can be found by searching for 'Chastity' in the tags.

This is my favourite imaginary friend whom I believe created
the Universe. He's saying Hi.
I'm Genderqueer, mainly heterosexual (I have cybered posing as a female with males and females in the past) and a cross-dresser who apparently poses as a female online.  The name I use here and on my e-mail is +Joanna Cale. Joanne was the name my parents had in reserve for me if I had turned out to be a girl but I liked the extra girlishness of the 'a' ending.  However, after starting this place I remembered that my mad-ex used to call me Bex, and that's a nice name too (short for Rebecca).  It's what I posted as at Rachel's Haven when I was active there for an all too brief time back in 2012-4. On GetDare you can find me as Connie but you will also see that this place is my place to be honest and truthful.

I'm Christian, but pretty low as far as church goes, Church of England flavoured being from the UK rather than the more international Anglican.  I'm not too fond of the 39 Articles (non-believers and Catholics who take Holy Communion go to Hell, seriously?) but most of the rest (and I stress most, not all, because I have no idea why women are barred from some leadership positions or celibate gay men are allowed) seems to fit what I think I know about my favourite Invisible Friend whom I believe created the Universe.  No, I don't refute basic science and I actually think the theory of evolution is pretty darn groovy.  I'm white and Western, which means that I have many First World problems: like cross-dressing, really not an issue I suspect in places that don't have 24 hour web access.

What else?  I'm middle-class, pretty comfortably so and certainly less precariously than my mother or my father were before they had me. I have money in the bank, a mortgage, a car and three children.  I have had but one sexual partner, my wife, and I used to be okay with that, it's not for everyone, but being One Flesh is a pretty big responsibility. I guess I kind of hoped that I would have more than 58 sexual encounters in my life but you don't get to plan these things in advance. I have loved my wife, but that love is now dying as the relationship flares and dies. It's okay, I write the screed, your views are entirely allowed and encouraged!

Here is Marx. His beard and hair a testament to his
philosophy of "from each according to his abilities to
each according to hi- fuck you social conventions on
facial hair!"
I struggle with many things and am still trying to find my way generally, like everyone else.  I do not see myself as a unique and individual snowflake but equally I tend toward the Left and Anarchistic areas of political thought.  No, I'm not a Marxist.  No, Hitler and Stalin were not two sides of the same coin.  They were both dictatorial bastards but for completely different reasons and with completely different motives.  Indeed, with completely different outcomes.  I am also a historian and an intellectual snob in real life.  I try to be better online.

I, like every other blogger, love comments.  I am hard to offend online.  After all, I'm the one spewing stuff in the public domain and if people feel moved to comment then who am I to argue with that?  Basically, if you have something to say, please do say it.  If you think I'll be offended, say it anyway - if I am offended that's not your problem.

One of my favourite (yes, I overuse the word) images from
Limited Audience and, coincidentally, a position I should
one day like to experience.
I'm a fangirl of the Pet Shop Boys (sorry), EDM and a bit of a geek generally.  I also love visuals, which is why I joined Rachel's Haven and seemingly why I check out sites that are really NSFW like Limited Audience.  I am, of course, a fan of fictionmania (who isn't) and also frequent stuff like Mind Control Stories because I have a fascination with hypnosis and people doing things that they want to do but without really having the ability not to do it.  Call it forced feminisation if you must or even BDSM but know that I would make a horrific submissive as I'm much too demanding and a bit of a control freak.  However, I am also fascinated by infantilism and bondage generally.

All in all, this place is a place where I strive to be open and honest in a way that I find hard to manage in real life.  It is a place where I feel safe in my anonymity to say things that I don't feel safe enough to say elsewhere and it is a place where I tend towards the stream of consciousness style of writing.  Please, enjoy your stay here, even if you read this and never come again.  If there is anything you think would help make a visit here more pleasant or simply make this a place you can understand and navigate more easily then please let me know.

This lovely caption was thoughtfully made for me by
a dear friend online: Elle-Jay.  Click on the image to
go to her lovely blog and see more of her work.

And this was made for me by the lovely Dee.  For the record,
that is a fantastic dress and those shoes are great.  Yes please.
Click the image to go to a wonderful place.


  1. Well congrats i never comment on anything, but your bio does cause me to ask this. Your married w/ two children. your Wife knows you which is good far to many CD'S fail to disclose that information and it destroys them eventually. my qeestion is do your children know you? if yes how did you explain it to them?

    1. I'm sorry I didn't notice this until tonight!

      I am flattered that my humble blog was enough to make you comment, thank you!

      My wife has known about the CD aspect of me since not long after we met and I disclosed as much as I could as early as I could because it was important to me for her to know. However, she ignored it and so the knowledge wasn't well used.

      As to my children. They are very young. They don't know. I have dressed in front of my (then) pre-verbal boy. I have no idea what he remembers about that, but he was most put out that I was wearing shoes indoors. The elder daughter has discovered my dress in the rucksack. Beyond that they do not know.

      It is something I continue to wrestle with. When should I tell them? Heck, should I even tell them? Tilly is uncomfortable with it and I know doesn't want to face questions from our children about my wearing of clothes designed for women so, I guess, that's why the children don't know.

      I don't really know what to do with that, if I'm honest.


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!