It was in an article about the issues with teaching. A terminally ill woman on a walk said to her recently retired husband, an ex headteacher, that as she faced the end of her life she wished that she could have been his passion.
Powerful stuff. It cuts to the very heart of what teaching does to people. The marking, the planning but most of all the stress expand to fill headspace. And I have been guilty of this for all of my time with Tilly and the children. As Tilly has often pointed out, even this last week, I am very often not present because my head is somewhere else, usually worrying about teaching.
But that isn't what struck me about the quote. No.
I honestly can't imagine Tilly ever wishing that she was my passion. As much as she blames me for all our relationship issues, she is happy with things as they are. Every conversation, every failed compromise, every talk about change... She is happy. She doesn't want physical intimacy. She cannot comprehend any of my quirks or wishes and doesn't want to.
I spoke to my Father. As predicted, he agrees that Tilly is mostly at fault, he pointed out that his recent consultant work with a body looking after the victims of childhood abuse gave him the feeling that Tilly was probably abused as a child given her views on relationships, sex and my role as father. But, equally predictably, he suggested that I should suppress my crossdressing and give up on being submissive. These were not normal and, for all her faults, Tilly was right to cite them as reasons for the breakdown in our relationship. Between those things and our decision to homeschool lay the biggest problems that could be solved. Divorce wasn't an answer. Harsh but honest - traits I inherited from him. My brother got the charisma and charm that turns women's heads. Even Tilly has said that if she were my Father's age and she'd just met him she'd find him attractive and interesting. Many female friends who have met my Father agree. My brother is similar. He was never without a girlfriend except through choice and has always had women swoon over him, still does though he's married, a bit fat, and has two children and loves his wife. Point is, they are considered to be good catches.
I got the other part.
I spoke to my Mother. Turns out that she is kinky - she didn't offer and I didn't ask in what way - and she thinks that I need to do something. In typical ASD logic she argues that all people are secretly kinky and that Tilly and I need therapy because not wanting sex is abnormal and I am too ready to take the blame. My stress is making me awful with the children (my Father was up more recently and confirmed that he thought I was being a shit father to my children). If I am to blame myself for anything it's not being a loving father. She also pointed out that her ability to compromise had meant that she had many sexual partners in her life (and every one kinky in a different way).
I get the ASD and negative self image from my Mother. My brother got her ability to remember things about the people she meets and the ability to accidentally make firm friends with strangers as a result. My Mother's ability to change enough to be approachable without ever changing her core beliefs is my brother's inheritance. I got her unyielding logic and bloody mindedness.
I don't have passion to offer and, as I reflected again talking to my Father, I have never been anyone else's either.
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!