I have lots to say but now is not the time for details.
|Never gonna happen.|
The sparring was not edifying, she was getting her blows in first because she didn't know what I was going to talk about. Raising how thinking I may be cross-dressing made sex impossible, forever; how much I had been unable to help her and how shit I was at supporting her generally. I was like another child and so on and so forth. You know the deal by now, you could probably sing along. And so we got to Monday. Not trusting myself after a week of firing off randomly I hid in my room and spoke to no one all day. The pressure built. Tilly was upset when I got home, stormy discussions followed.
|Never gonna happen.|
When she returned it was with anger that I had had the space and time to think things through to that level. It was with recriminations that I was forcing her to take on yet more emotional labour and we were already the worst people she knew for that kind of shit. Did I not think she deserved time for work, now wasted and gone due to this discussion, did I believe she didn't deserve some slack because she had a child? Oh, she saw how it was, I could have the time and space to shit about learning about chastity and sex stuff and she was consigned to eking out time that was needed for teh children. I provided nothing, no support, and I was selfish and shit. It... took me aback. |I fired back though, it wasn't fair to accuse me of such things when there wasn't the physical time to offer and marking wasn't time I got - it was work, and we needed the money. Extra marking? I would ditch it all tomorrow, had been trying since 2010 actually, but couldn't because we need the money. Angry silence followed, brimming with resentment. But then snuggles were offered and we went to sleep.
No, these were not for her. At all. But me being a submissive was helpful to know. Her anger, her nagging, her lashing out - they stemmed from my submissiveness. She wants something a bit more 'manly' not submissive. Trying an FLR, she said, wouldn't be healthy as she would get very critical, naggy, and resentful whilst my low self-esteem would allow her to do that and get worse as a consequence. Knowing what she now knew, and she thanked me for being honest and open, it explained the problem that we could never quite put our finger on. It wasn't just the cross-dressing - it was the combination of cross-dressing and submission. It was my inability to be the 'manly' man she wanted. That tendency of mine encouraged her worst impulses. I had helped her become a better person over time but at the expense of any adventurousness and desire to experiment. I did not now, nor had I ever, turned her on. She enjoyed sex, but the idea of being 'turned on' is alien to her - it's not how that works. I had kinks, I saw things differently and there was nothing that could be done.
There is, she said, the option of outsourcing, using a pro-domme. Otherwise, she said, it was unfair to me. That's a first, an awareness that it may be unfair to me. She said she realised that I would be suffering, that I always had been, and there was no real way to deal with that. She hadn't read much on out-sourcing beyond seeing it could be an option. She joked that she could pay for a session for my birthday when I said I would be uncomfortable paying for it (something she also said she would have predicted and was the absolutely most me response I could have given). The least attractive option is to end it all. And that, ladies and gentlemen is where we left it.
More another time.