Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 2 April 2019

We drink together not alone


I have lots to say but now is not the time for details.

Never gonna happen.
Chastity ended in failure, like most of the things I do, because I failed to spot some chafing getting out of hand. Lost my Holder, out of chastity, still not tried to masturbate or orgasm. Which, I think, is fitting. It led to quite an emotional time on Sunday, resulting in me being a monster to the youngest again, because I am shit at dealing with pressure. On the Saturday Tilly and I had sparred because I had asked for a conversation on unfinished discussions from October - I was planning to raise a Female Led Relationship and my chastity, actually discuss what I had learned so far and see what happened after that. Would you believe that I was actually daring to hope that she might join in? Ha!

The sparring was not edifying, she was getting her blows in first because she didn't know what I was going to talk about. Raising how thinking I may be cross-dressing made sex impossible, forever; how much I had been unable to help her and how shit I was at supporting her generally. I was like another child and so on and so forth. You know the deal by now, you could probably sing along. And so we got to Monday. Not trusting myself after a week of firing off randomly I hid in my room and spoke to no one all day. The pressure built. Tilly was upset when I got home, stormy discussions followed.

Never gonna happen.
However, the upshot was that I sort of said "fuck it" and thus followed a full and frank disclosure about my submissiveness and my chastity to Tilly. I explained that I might actually be a submissive and not the switch I had assumed. I explained that I had found out about FLRs and that I would like to look at that. I explained that I had been in chastity for over 50 days and that had helped me look at these parts of myself. That I might be wrong, that I was still learning, that nothing was set in stone. Tilly said she couldn't imagine hitting me - she would laugh, she would feel too self-conscious. I assured her I would do all in my power to help her not feel that way - hitting or no - because if there was anyone she should be able not to feel self-conscious with it would be me. It all seemed positive and good. I was shocked. Dear reader, was this it? Was the worry be careful what you wish for rather than the end of days? We paused. Tilly went to the toilet.

When she returned it was with anger that I had had the space and time to think things through to that level. It was with recriminations that I was forcing her to take on yet more emotional labour and we were already the worst people she knew for that kind of shit. Did I not think she deserved time for work, now wasted and gone due to this discussion, did I believe she didn't deserve some slack because she had a child? Oh, she saw how it was, I could have the time and space to shit about learning about chastity and sex stuff and she was consigned to eking out time that was needed for teh children. I provided nothing, no support, and I was selfish and shit. It... took me aback. |I fired back though, it wasn't fair to accuse me of such things when there wasn't the physical time to offer and marking wasn't time I got - it was work, and we needed the money. Extra marking? I would ditch it all tomorrow, had been trying since 2010 actually, but couldn't because we need the money. Angry silence followed, brimming with resentment. But then snuggles were offered and we went to sleep.

More likely.
I texted Tilly this morning and it was an agonising ten hours before she responded this afternoon. Apparently she hadn't seen the text. I felt sick all day. Stuff kicked off without me knowing, but I was worried that I was staring at the end of days. I had gone into work discussing frankly with Him Upstairs about the potential end of things - how would I cope? But the text was reassuring. This evening, when she got back, she revealed she'd been reading. About subs, about FLRs and such. She had done her homework and, well, no.


No, these were not for her. At all. But me being a submissive was helpful to know. Her anger, her nagging, her lashing out - they stemmed from my submissiveness. She wants something a bit more 'manly' not submissive. Trying an FLR, she said, wouldn't be healthy as she would get very critical, naggy, and resentful whilst my low self-esteem would allow her to do that and get worse as a consequence. Knowing what she now knew, and she thanked me for being honest and open, it explained the problem that we could never quite put our finger on. It wasn't just the cross-dressing - it was the combination of cross-dressing and submission. It was my inability to be the 'manly' man she wanted. That tendency of mine encouraged her worst impulses. I had helped her become a better person over time but at the expense of any adventurousness and desire to experiment. I did not now, nor had I ever, turned her on. She enjoyed sex, but the idea of being 'turned on' is alien to her - it's not how that works. I had kinks, I saw things differently and there was nothing that could be done.

There is, she said, the option of outsourcing, using a pro-domme. Otherwise, she said, it was unfair to me. That's a first, an awareness that it may be unfair to me. She said she realised that I would be suffering, that I always had been, and there was no real way to deal with that. She hadn't read much on out-sourcing beyond seeing it could be an option. She joked that she could pay for a session for my birthday when I said I would be uncomfortable paying for it (something she also said she would have predicted and was the absolutely most me response I could have given). The least attractive option is to end it all. And that, ladies and gentlemen is where we left it.

More another time.

2 comments:

  1. Hmm, I see what you mean. Nice to know my spidey sense is functioning well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your spidey-sense is pretty amazing, sure you weren't bitten by a radioactive spider in the past?

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!