Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Low

This blog is about the aspirations to that highest of emotions: Happiness. So I shall start with the good news. Dee made a caption for me, sorta, and it is lovely and brilliant and well-made (as are all of the captions she makes) and I can't and won't do anything less that say good things about it! I mean, you probably know how electrifying it is to see something with your name in it in fiction generally, when you can identify with the story and the character a little more because of something as simple and effective as a shared name. Hard to contemplate why that should make a difference but it really, really does. There's something deep to be said about that, I imagine, but I am not the one to say it. Being AS and reading what that means still is fascinating and suggests that people are more likely to identify with characters without the necessity of having one's name in there - simply by dint of recognising one's own approaches and actions (or, in the famous cases of Bella and the one in Fifty Sheds, by dint of the main character having no discernible emotions and reactions, allowing a reader to import their own).


I digress, the point is that there was a caption made and my name was shoved in there and it elicited a series of lovely feelings, because that is how easily influenced I am.

None of this though.

No, I don't get it either.
Speaking of such things, I was delighted to read Terri's May update in which it was shared that clothing had been purchased and worn on day-to-day errands and jobs. That sort of thing is to be commended, politely and without fanfare, because it is just so normal and lovely. So, I'd take my hat off but for the fact that the only one I own is a Soviet police hat and it's hot and it resides at my place of work so I'm not wearing it. Even a friend of mine sharing a very interesting link about men and penises on the Book of Faces gave food for thought as well as providing evidence that, now we are the men, we get to set the idea of what masculinity is and the article suggests that there is much work to be done in removing the barriers of thinking around the male organ and how people perceive their relationship with it. I shall be honest, having a penis means that I am occasionally called upon to look at it and that means I have some views on it.

Apparently.

I'm hairier on the legs. Also, that hand position...

Can't say I recognise it. But, then, I get the impression
that I am somewhat abnormal in this regard.
I can't speak for the penises of others as I haven't really memorised or remembered seeing all that many penises either at school or otherwise. I mean, there were shared changing facilities in PE when I was at school and I always read about the 'japes' that would go on there - but I never recall being part of them. I went in the showers, shared, and I got dried and dressed. I do not recall ever seeing others in the shower - or, at least, not seeing their penises - nor did anyone seek to see mine. To that end I can only really comment on my own. I know that my masturbatory habits are unusual, to say the least, as I have never done more than manipulate the head of the penis and rarely, if ever, pulled back the foreskin. I mean, there was that part that joins the foreskin to the head of the penis that I recall being my first brush, ahem, with masturbation but, apart from that, I've only ever used two or three fingers (including the thumb) to get to the brink, so to speak. I understand that most people use their whole hand and use an actual grip along the shaft. I have also heard that many people with a penis prefer to be stimulated from the bottom up too. I cannot comment on that, it does not work for me.

More after the break, but no images.

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Headache

Godwin invoked.

Does this make me Alt-Left?
Not sure that I ever posted much about my aborted attempt at a novel on this blog. It was on my literary blog. I may have mentioned that the main character of that novel actually became more than my usual textual musings on humanity and how it relates and took on a loife all their own in ways that I didn't see coming. I was happily ripping off Hitler: the Rise of Evil when the protagonist decided that they could quite happily be a leader without being divorced and without being evil. Rather, they had their own agenda. And then, because I suck at writing, all went quiet. That was years ago.

One of the oddities of the current General Election campaign in the UK at the moment is the number of people I speak to who seem to be basing decisions on the oddest of factors. At least, to me they are odd factors. Emotional renditions of the unknowable and disparaging any attempt to bring in sober reflection as being 'pie in the sky' or, worse, as being the very dream-like lying that they then reveal as the stand-in for sober reflection. It's bizarre, it's other-worldly, and it appears to actually be working. By turns I am angry, saddened and terrified.

I can't imagine that the Zanu-PF would be terribly nice to
a white cross-dressing British schmuck...
My online life, as evidenced by the existence of this blog, is the sort of life that would destroy me professionally and probably personally as well. I make no bones about that. My self-destructive side would quite like for it to become a reality too, because then it all goes up in smoke. That is not the point of this post. Anyway, yes, the pictures and opinions on here pretty much exclude me from any political ambition anywhere in the developed world I would imagine. And, selfish git that I am, I'm not sure I fancy my chances in LEDCs either.

But it all came together on the way home from work today, listening to Unstoppable by Sia about putting on armour. She means make-up and going out drinking as a means to avoid showing her true self - the lyrics make that one pretty clear. But what if that were just the start? My protagonist popped up to inform me that he would likely serve another leader, a woman, and that he would deal with security and enforcement. He would be an aware Himmler to a less self-aware Hitler and he would likely take his revenge on the Dandies from the earlier portion of the book. He would burn out all that he had abandoned about himself from society around him with a twisted grin of one who sees the purification of the self in the destruction of those around him. What if Sia was putting on armour by adopting a salute and a uniform?

Speaks for itself.
But what if they don't salute or offer a salute? What if the militarisation on the back of victimisation of the majority was less about war and more about defence of culture? Without the uniforms and salutes one is left with slogans. My protagonist suggested "Zu Ende!" - "to the end" which works in both languages. And around us we have those too, the slogans that speak of danger and fear "strong and stable" and encourage the majority to view themselves as a whipped minority. After all, real persecution doesn't exist so anyone who says that they suffer issues are lying and gaming the system so the majority can do that too.

I spoke to a teaching colleague in training. I was ranting about one of my newest bug-bears - people who say "I'm a bit autistic too, we're all on the spectrum" and then follow it with "autism doesn't really exist anyway, it's just an excuse". The colleague said "oh, I agree with you!" But they'd misunderstood, they revealed that they really didn't think autism existed. After all, he said (yes, twas a he), we're all on the spectrum and all human behaviour is slightly 'autistic' to the point where people who claim to be affected are just moaning. I was got a bit angry. I pointed out that I was, he was not, and that I had two autistic children. I said "there's a bit of a difference between actually being autistic and people with things they do that they joke about being autistic". He did not speak to me again in the next two hours. I worry about that. My righteous indignation (suffered a hit/and my photon accelerator's broken a bit) wasn't and I think I came across as the sort of dick that would merely confirm this scientist's (yes, he teaches Biology) opinion.

Many colleagues are happy with voting against education this election, I have discovered, with the excuse that, yes, if their preferred candidate wins then education is fucked but at least we'll have proper leadership. They actually justify their opinions with the idea that the leader of another party is a bit of a dick and won't ever win or he has questions to answer on security or he's bringing back the 1970s. This is why I say it's different actually being AS rather than simply joking about it - the dichotomy is bridged by the sort of flexible thinking that holds no internal logic, like the news I regularly have to turn off, because it actually gives me a headache and stops me sleeping. It causes me pain to try to follow the mental gymnastics. But NT people, even if they don't agree, can not only follow it but empathise and say things like "you can see where they're coming from" whilst agreeing that it makes no sense" but "does in a way, you know?"

No. I don't.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

Cable Street's Failure


See, she's balancing. See what I did there?

And, also, yeah, well, there's that thread that runs through
this blog like something that is a thread. Hmm.
Balance is key, so the aphorism would have it. There is something in giving and taking and allowing some semblance of balance into life. Work and everything else, self and family, stress and not. Beer and not beer. I am struggling.

Tell me something new! Thank you rhetorical device, I shall. See, there are politics all around. And it would appear as though I shall be on the losing, nay, the crushed side again. And I don't know what to do. It is terrifying. I see the future, sort of, and I kinda know where things are going. Not specifically, but generally enough to know that within two years we're going to struggle as a family to function - we're just on that cusp financially and socially. As social conservatism rises and scrutiny becomes more invasive and complete I wonder just how long I shall last in my current line of work with my current line of issues and how long I can possibly maintain any separation twixt my public and private life. Will there still be the facility to be diagnosed when the waiting list reaches the point I can go and be diagnosed? Will that just accelerate being discovered? How long can we rely on privacy anyway?

An anti-Nazi rally in Berlin in 1932. Looks powerful and strong
but we know what came next. They just suspected it.
A gathering storm is evident. It's the 1930s alright but in a new and subtle way. In the UK there's no obvious fascism, just the drum-beat of jingoism in the background growing increasingly insistent; there's no obvious route to death camps, just the casual disregard for people that need help and care getting increasingly higher up the scale; there's no obvious rounding up of asocials, just the increasing disparaging of those who disagree. It's a scary place to be. Am I in an echo chamber? I suspect that I grew up in one. Maybe I still am. Maybe the coming epoch will bring that rugged individualism that is so addictive to those on the right, afforded to those that the right feel deserve it and I am just a snowflake about to be evaporated by the coming global increase in temperature.

The Women's March in London in January this year. Looks powerful and strong
but we don't know what will come next. They just suspect it.
I read about socially progressive people, that is, people who have benefited from more progressive approaches to society, saying that they won't vote progressive for spurious and fallacious economic reasons based on propaganda and 'personal experience'. I don't understand. My experience, anyone's experience, is rather useless when confronted with actual trends and data. As a military historian I know to be wary of any big picture stuff from someone who was there - they don't see everything and any future research is coloured by what they wish to find from their experience. Not to say that one should strive to be objective, such a thing is impossible, but I do know that my own experience is no decent guide to, well, anything. I am swayed by statistical analysis and combined trends. That tells me that, economically, the social progressives tend to do better in my own country, YMMV, at least since 1945. Furthermore, that people who have benefited from social progression would vote against it when those who would roll it back have already started to do so and promise to do so more is infuriating and mystifying to me.

A British MP, Jo Cox, was assassinated by a right-winger
and we carry on as if it is all normal. He was mentally ill, they
say, and so there was no politics here. We have calm and clear
politics. Strong and stable. To challenge is chaos.
Some people seem to believe words over deeds or, worse, come out with the "all politicians lie" line as though that excuses the fact that they are voting for actual liars - because all politicians lie so vote for the lies you like the best? It makes no sense. Surely find the politician that doesn't lie? Ah, but then you'd have to face uncomfortable truths, about Brexit, about your friends and neighbours and about people you have never even met. You'd have to accept compromises and maybe even face some unpalatable home truths. Maybe you would even have to lose out some of what you have that others may gain and we can't be having that. I doubt it is my Aspie nature but there may be some element in it - I am quite happy to degrade my existence and experience if it means that a more equitable society is the result. Raise my taxes if the NHS can be helped and returned to full coverage. Lower my wages if it means that the Minimum Wage can be increased for those on lower pay. Increase my mortgage if it means that houses become more affordable or rents can go down and landlords be held accountable enough to provide a better quality of housing to be rented. Increase my workload if others' falls, especially if they were working harder than me. But that is not the general way of things.

I look around and I am scared.

In the meantime, an update.

Speaks for itself.
I am on the sofa, as predicted, so that I get sleep and can go to work. This is working. I am also making the meals as much as possible, which is sort of working but Tilly is reaching the point where she wants different food but has no idea what. This will eventually lead to issues. She is losing sleep as our children have colds at the moment and there is a dance show on the way for the Girlie so that she is finding things hard to. I am barely seeing my children again, working into the late evening and night because Tilly needs respite from a small child. I barely see Tilly for that matter. Washing the pots, cooking the meals and keeping the house tidy. Mostly doing the washing too, when I get chance, and maintaining the pet. I don't mind, but as Tilly gets increasingly tired and sleep deprived and adds more and more extra to her life I know full well that the time approaches where her frustrations will be loosed upon me.

She has started gardening again, at increased levels to what she was doing before she was pregnant. She has increased the amount she does to support Girlie and the amount of travelling she does to get both children to classes. She has reduced the amount of crafting and activities she does with our elder children whilst increasing the amount of time they spend alone - which is a bit random in my mind - and has decreased the amount of time she spends with friends (and friends for our elder two) and the amount of contact she has with people online. I can't do much on this score. I suspect that the political situation at present colours my views on these things more than it ought.

Not much else to share here. Not right now.