Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 17 March 2017

Like a Lemon

See, because I'm not having beer and I don't understand people
and I often end stood or sat like a lemon and she's a woman in
a lemon dress. It's funny.

No beer until after the birth. Not self-imposed but imposed by Tilly because I may have to drive to the hospital and I need to be on point for that, fair enough. However, if we go in the night then I won't have to drive because I can't then drive home after being up all night - or Tilly wouldn't feel safe with me trying - and so we'll get a taxi there and back. After all, can't leave the car parked by the hospital (not to mention the parking charges), and there will have to be around a two hour wait for the doula to get here from another city first anyway unless there's an emergency. I have so many beers at work, so this is a real problem. Luckily I can't drink beer at home in the evening now either because of the driving that I won't do in the night.

Oh, hello, what a lovely dress.

No chance of ever being able to wear such a pretty thing
and so it makes for a safe fantasy that, I hope, does not
objectify women or perpetuate the horrors of pron in the
way that most of the images I post do.
I spoke to Harry and Alice at work today, they were talking date nights and teasing me about the impending arrival of a third child. Harry knows I am not happy about the whole affair. So, they both suggested that I ought to be having date nights where someone comes in and looks after the children and Tilly and I go out together or at least sharing an evening together. And, you know, since Tilly found she was pregnant we did do some of this around Christmas, watching Game of Thrones on different chairs because we can't really sit together to watch things. I don't work hard enough on this, you see, as Tilly will reject advances more often than not and I just have to keep trying. I should be going to bed at the same time as her and I should be hugging her in bed except that I shouldn't be because when I do come to bed I am stressed about work or something or other and she can feel the stress coming off me in waves and it's not comfortable and so why would she want to do more than fend me off? But I should be getting closer if I want to be intimate but not on an evening or in the morning or at any point because she is heavily pregnant and certainly not when she is breast-feeding because there will have been a child crawling all over her and she just wants some time alone. And then there's a book or two that need writing and I can't be interrupting that on an evening because after the children go to bed is the only chance she has to work alone and when she goes to bed she just wants to sleep and there's no chance for intimacy but if I want to be more intimate I should be trying harder like when we go to bed I could try then because she goes to bed and then I don't try to hug her so why should she make an effort to tell me when she wants to have intimacy.

Very pretty dress. I like the yellow. I am a fan
of the colour yellow and, increasingly, feel that
I really missed embracing it as a child.

It's a lovely bag too. I'd prefer a shoulder
strap but, as I shall never actually have the
chance to indulge owning one in our society
I may as well say how much I liked the
fact that the yellow cures cancer.
So, you see, it's my fault that we don't connect on a physical or emotional level because she shouldn't have to tell me when she's open to having these moments and I ought to be able to spot the signs but not if I'm busy or stressed or she's too tired or there's work to be done or the children have been difficult or lovely or a long day and that is also my fault because she can't tell me these things and why don't I ask her about them? But don't ask too much because if it's been a long or hard day or the children have been shits she doesn't really want to go into details and sometimes it would be nice if I didn't come in asking questions. Maybe if I complimented her more then she would know what I was about and she wouldn't be so confused about my intentions but don't compliment her because I never sound sincere and it just comes out as forced or creepy.

I am very lucky though because whilst I am not really able to have beer (and I shouldn't really have been having it over the last two weeks, strictly speaking, because birth can happen at any time now) Tilly has been invited out to see a film with a friend and she really fancies seeing it. We can't go out together to see a film because we don't know anyone that can come over and look after the children and we already used our one contact to look after the Girlie whilst the Boy went for a blood test (to do with his diagnosis for ASD) today. So, you see, I got to go out to the pub on the Friday when my mother was coming up and then to go out with my mother's husband to the pub on the afternoon of the following Saturday. It's only fair that Tilly gets to go out with her friends like she did on the Friday night every now and again and go and see a film.

Keep me in mind when an opening occurs
for someone in this position. I'll take
it. I don't believe in reincarnation but
if it turns out that it is an option and
this opening is available can I please
be destroyed entirely to stop the
endless fucking cycle? Ta.
But, as Harry and Alice pointed out, having date nights out without children are important. But, you see, we can't organise that because there is no one to look after the children locally. And if I want to have more date nights I must first set the groundwork by actually spending time with Tilly at home and we tried having a special night on a week but then I didn't enforce it when there was a panic about the book or something else that was causing her stress. And yes, she did have to ditch this or the other night but if I don't then push for it how is she supposed to stop just using it as a normal night? Equally, setting aside a day, whilst very much the right thing to do, isn't the same as a spontaneous night that delights and proves emotional connection. And if there's an unexpected deadline or she misses a night on the book then the date night would have to be scotched anyway and there might not be any warning and if she's under stress then the last thing she wants is for me to talk about a date night. Yes, if I push it she will tell me to fuck off and get angry about it, but that's fine because then she would think about it and maybe after a week or two realise that I was right. A warning though, then she might resent it a little and yes she would nag a bit more to compensate but the important thing is that she would know I was right and the next time I asked it would work, you see. Unless I asked to early after the blow up and then her resentment would probably fuel further anger and then I'd have to wait longer.

Unless I waited too long and then what would be the point anyway, right?

After all, I am the one with the problem, both the depression and the AS, so she's totally happy with the way things are and so I need the therapy, not her. And she'd be totally up for couples' therapy, where did I ever get the idea that she wasn't? When? Oh, well, not any time soon because there's no way to get anyone to look after the children. And certainly not on a night when she has to work on the book. Well, okay then, not whilst she has a book to work on. And yes, she did once say that she wasn't up for couples' therapy because ultimately it is me who is unhappy and needs fixing, not her. And no, she wouldn't have much to say at a therapy session, I'd have to explain how I thought it would help. You know, couples' therapy probably wouldn't help, but if I think it would be helpful to have Tilly there then we'd have to arrange it. But no, she doesn't think it'll do anything. When did she ever say it would?

I feel like a lemon - bitter and oddly shaped.


  1. ...and getting squeezed till there is nothing left but a dried up husk.

    Happy loving couples find a way to be intimate. If it has to be scheduled, so be it. If one makes constant excuses and changes the rules with the changing situation, then clearly there is not much love coming from that direction.

    I have always heard that if one partner does not want couples counseling (and she clearly doesn't), then YOU need to get counseling in order to figure out how you will react to a failed relationship. Martyrdom always ends the same way. You can be the victim forever, or you can decide to change. You cannot force her to change, but you can change how you react to her.

    Much love,

    1. Once again, you are right. Like many things. I was thinking about you just yesterday, and you were right about our eldest too. And yes, you are right again.

      Thank you.


    2. I thought you might be referring to me in that earlier post. Gotta say being right is not all that satisfying in this case.

    3. Heh, you are correct, didn't want to name names without permission. And, well, being right can be satisfying in its own way devoid of what you're right about. To me, it confirms that you are rather good at this supportive analysis lark - so that is something to be lauded.

  2. I have now caught up with your blog. Sounds like you've been having a rough time. The estimable Leslie Ann is spot on about the couple's therapy, which is something that was extremely useful in my case, admittedly with two willing participants.

    Also, for my money, it looks like 95% of this post is directly quoting from Tilly reacting to your efforts to do something positive about the situation, your efforts almost certainly being based on what she said on the previous occasion. This is looking less and less like your fault (I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that's another direct quote) and more and more like avoidance on her part. She sure is throwing a lot of obstacles in the way, and it seems very convenient for her that you're the unhappy, faulty pervert who needs all the therapy. Slight whiff of gaslight if you ask me.

    But yeah, caught up on the blog now. Not done much on mine, because reasons, which is a shame, because much has happened since I last posted. Much indeed.


    1. I suck at checking my blog!

      Thank you for catching up! And yes, I imagine there is much you could be saying on your blog but living is probably more useful right now!

      I'm not sure the total is 95% but there are many quotes up there. She's never said it was my fault, per se, and lately we are dealing with the fall-out of the birth and the subsequent operations. I am a bit more worried about work than our relationship at the moment as a consequence, but also because that's how my mind works. Plenty of beer had in the meantime (you may have noticed on the beer blog come to think of it).

      And yes, it may seem convenient that I am the faulty pervert (good turn of phrase) but the truth of the matter is that I probably am. Doing the reading I have on my own condition suggests that open-mindedness is more likely in my case than NT cases and that my open-mindedness may slip into what NTs would term 'perversion' - which is fair enough. It explains my own disconnect and why I've always found embracing me difficult.

      Eh, gaslight or no (and I suspect not), it's frustrating for someone who can't do this on autopilot!

      Glad to hear from you!



All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!