|Neither indicative of my childhood nor my present. But a decent|
stab at white, middle-class happiness I guess.
2.4 children. Guess I'm the one with that statistic rather than
With a third child, likely a boy, on the way I find myself assessing my current parenting standard a little more critically than normal. I find that I don't really play with either of my children. As a family we don't do sing-songs, Tilly has long since quashed my usual singing instincts. Let me explain, I can't sing. At all. I have long been embarrassed about this. Tilly just happened to confirm something I long suspected, my singing is not a thing that brings or sustains joy, rather it is something that is atonal and bloody annoying. So it is that we do not sing in the car on long journeys nor do I sing or even play music in the house as it is often considered too loud or just plain annoying. My children will never sing with me as I sang with my parents.
|I'm never this interactive when I play. Also, I tend to play to|
win, because I am a selfish bastard who likes winning
and hates losing.
|That could even be our Boy. It isn't.|
To realise I am but a poor shadow of my parents is... saddening.
Then there is the sex stuff. Now, obviously, based on past experience I am not going to expect Tilly to do anything even remotely physical or sexual. And I am largely correct. There is some hugging. But mostly she hides the fact that she feels sick all the time and is less craptacular in my direction than she was the last two times, which is nice. Hard for her, mind, very hard for her. I do not help as I do tend to get in a loop with jokes and phrases when she's trying to be direct and quick. Also, I forget things because I didn't hear them properly the first time or I discard them because it's not something I need in the moment I learn it. In short, I am a bit shit and infuriating and annoying and irritating in so many different measures I can't even keep them all in check.
When reading about sexual things, then, I often try to cast the antagonists in my fantasies and, well, as ever, I know that Tilly would never take the role. And that means I cannot even fantasise about her taking the role. So I don't. Inevitably Toby takes that role instead, which is not great, because she was mad. And I worry about conditioning. So, why do it? Because I am a bit crap at not doing it. Masturbation being very much my thang since I worked through the religious arguments and decided that God probably doesn't care about it unless it leads to issues via conditioning. Besides, it can help in other ways such as lowering stress and whatnot.
And that's all I have at the moment. Just musings. No answers.