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This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Musing

Neither indicative of my childhood nor my present. But a decent
stab at white, middle-class happiness I guess.

2.4 children. Guess I'm the one with that statistic rather than
the image.
I don't remember much specific or useful from my childhood. But I remember playing stuff with my father and mother. I remember board games, sing-songs in the car, stupid family games and puzzles, reading together on a weekend in different chairs, being lost in books. I remember extended periods alone playing in my room too and plenty of less wholesome stuff. However there was a balance and, I would argue, my home life was pretty positive even during their divorce.

With a third child, likely a boy, on the way I find myself assessing my current parenting standard a little more critically than normal. I find that I don't really play with either of my children. As a family we don't do sing-songs, Tilly has long since quashed my usual singing instincts. Let me explain, I can't sing. At all. I have long been embarrassed about this. Tilly just happened to confirm something I long suspected, my singing is not a thing that brings or sustains joy, rather it is something that is atonal and bloody annoying. So it is that we do not sing in the car on long journeys nor do I sing or even play music in the house as it is often considered too loud or just plain annoying. My children will never sing with me as I sang with my parents.

I'm never this interactive when I play. Also, I tend to play to
win, because I am a selfish bastard who likes winning
and hates losing.
As I increasingly learn about Asperger's (now simply ASD) and what boxes in it that I tick, I understand more on how I can't do what my father did regarding joining in games. But opportunities to play board games are slim. We have recently started playing Settlers of Catan. Well, I say we, Tilly has played it with the children. We do not play as a family. I play chess and the Viking game (Hnefletafl) with the Boy but the problem is that these are complex games and he is still young. Like when I played chess with my father and he always played to win (and thus usually won) the experience is not altogether positive for the Boy. He will play but then there are long fallow periods where he doesn't and I can respect that. As a child I was a very poor loser indeed, my mother often won family board games, her own autistic superpower, and liked to win. So, yeah, I became a bad loser. I got that from my father. I am keen not to pass that on to my children and they both tend to be okay with the losing, but we don't play games often as a result. Or they play with Tilly because she can actually play with them rather than against them.

That could even be our Boy. It isn't.
I'm not a good listener either. As both my children have the Asperger's quality of wittering endlessly and without pause on something in their head we often end up at impasse - they can't work around their issues and I am often unwilling enough to let that stand.

To realise I am but a poor shadow of my parents is... saddening.

Then there is the sex stuff. Now, obviously, based on past experience I am not going to expect Tilly to do anything even remotely physical or sexual. And I am largely correct. There is some hugging. But mostly she hides the fact that she feels sick all the time and is less craptacular in my direction than she was the last two times, which is nice. Hard for her, mind, very hard for her. I do not help as I do tend to get in a loop with jokes and phrases when she's trying to be direct and quick. Also, I forget things because I didn't hear them properly the first time or I discard them because it's not something I need in the moment I learn it. In short, I am a bit shit and infuriating and annoying and irritating in so many different measures I can't even keep them all in check.

When reading about sexual things, then, I often try to cast the antagonists in my fantasies and, well, as ever, I know that Tilly would never take the role. And that means I cannot even fantasise about her taking the role. So I don't. Inevitably Toby takes that role instead, which is not great, because she was mad. And I worry about conditioning. So, why do it? Because I am a bit crap at not doing it. Masturbation being very much my thang since I worked through the religious arguments and decided that God probably doesn't care about it unless it leads to issues via conditioning. Besides, it can help in other ways such as lowering stress and whatnot.

And that's all I have at the moment. Just musings. No answers.


2 comments:

  1. You need co-operative board games. There are a few around. Everyone plays together against the board, and either you win together or you lose together. Pandemic is the one everyone knows, but there's Castle Panic, which we have and is good, and when The Labyrinth board game comes out that's co-op too. There is a risk of over-strategising your children's turns, and it can be frustrating watching them make poor moves, but if you can get past that, it's all good fun. Look at Castle Panic for the festive season: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpuTGWFkBYs (Shut up, Wesley)

    Also, yes, masturbation, it's a comfort and a stress-reliever, but I'm having serious problems with the conditioning and the guilt attached to it. It's complicated. Yay therapy.

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    Replies
    1. Aye, co-ops are the way forward, tis truth. The issue is less the game and more me. If I could get hold of my old copy of Space Quest and play as DM I think the Boy and Girlie would get much from it. Plus I could 'win' by them doing well and improving their game.

      Masturbation is pretty much ALL conditioning. Luckily, for me, I worked through the guilt a few times - for me, religion actually helped in this regard.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!