I had to think about the answer for a fraction of a second, but ultimately it was about how to phrase it, because the answer isn't what people expect, or maybe it is. Either way, my answer is mine and I get the impression that many people with the now defunct tag of Asperger's would recognise it as their's too (not everyone, after all: you've met one person with AS then you've met one person with AS). My answer was that it's not bad. I do not suffer with it, I do not work at surviving through it. I do not struggle with AS. I struggle to understand how people without it function. I suffer the lack of logic of others. That is: how do neuro-typical people operate and engage with a world they rarely, if ever, analyse and understand? It's strange. So that is my new battle cry - I am unapologetically autistic.
No, seriously, what the fuck has fancy-dress got to do with autism? And, also,
what? I mean, seriously, what the actual fuck is this all about?
Finally, comic sans in italics... really?
|Back lit: check.|
Villainy by dint of being something I desire based
solely on appearance: check.
Deviant behaviour beyond acceptable societal
norms through looking at clothes rather than
having a boner: check.
So, villainy, back lit.
Scroobius Pip said "always had the feelin' I could never be the villain because the villain in the films is always back lit" and he also said "you don't have to be back lit to be the villain". And I was public for the first time today with my lack of happiness for having a third child. I do not believe that I can, nor do I want to, be at peace with this whole thing. I will never want a third child. My arguments will not be mollified or quieted - my feeling that it increases population, that it is wrong to bring a young life into the world the way things are going, that I and my family are ill-prepared and ill-equipped to work with three children - all of those things remain and will not change. Oh, I will love the child, none of this is the child's responsibility. But no, I shall never be able to claim that I want nor wanted the child that we will eventually become stewards of. I can't do that. And, if asked by the child, I shall tell them the truth: I love them but I did not want a third child.
Maybe that makes me a monster.
|The first image when I searched for 'cross-|
dressing monster' on Google.
It seems somehow fitting, n'cest pas?
So, a monster.
The villain. Back lit. I can be back lit. I invite the back-lighting. I can put on masks in the classroom and in my life. I can do the grand gestures. I can turn off compassion and feeling if I want. I have done it before but without choice: unconsciously. Now? Now I need to do it consciously.
What does all this mean? What action will it lead to? I don't know. But enough apologising, enough struggle, enough analysis. Decision. Action. Movement.
The chances are that my marriage will actually survive and it will continue as it always has. Tilly will no doubt be happy because whilst I don't lie I also don't let anyone in that I don't want to let in and so she won't know unless she thinks to ask, and I will pursue the resistenz of Broszat, the inner migration, and live there instead. As I already am.
And, as a father, that is monstrous.