Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

New Dress

This isn't it, but it's the closest I could
find. I now own a skater dress in these
colours. Yay?
First things first: I bought a new dress. It was a whole English pound and it looked good. As you'd expect for something that cheap it is far from flattering, trying it on makes me look less good than normal in a dress and that is saying something. Still, it's new and it was very cheap, part of me is made happy by the fact that I bought it and the fact that I got it home without any awkward questions. Yay? Interestingly, several people commented positively when I was in the shop that I must be spoiling my lady and that I deserved a reward. Ah, if only they knew.

I also seem to have surfaced a little bit from the deep dark hole I've been in since sometime around last summer. I'm not totally out, of course, but I am actually doing things again. I did some work recently and I even planned ahead. Two mornings in a row now I have woken and risen from bed with my alarm and got into work at approaching the time I would like. Still a bit later, but closer than I have been since Christmas. I've even made three new lessons. I made some new lessons! I like making lessons, it is fun, and I haven't really done it properly in ages, so that was nice.

Ale has been drunk and reviewed, again, and that is nice too. I feel like I have a hobby again. It may close to addictive behaviour, maybe, but I suspect it's harmless for the moment, provided I don't go mad. I've even stopped eating so much junk so that my flab has stopped exponentially increasing. I mean, it isn't in retreat yet, but it has at least stopped expanding. Also, I read this comic, worth a look.

A while ago now, it seems, I was taken to task, rightly so, on my apparent relationship with Tilly. I had much to mull over. What follows after the line-break, then, is the result of that mulling.

Yep, that all makes sense.
No, I am confused about this whole affair as well. I am confused as to how it isn't related to anxiety. I don't believe I was disrespecting her wishes, but I know that I was ignoring them when out alone. I know that this destabilises the Girlie, who may well also be autistic like our Boy, and that does rather change matters. With the more recent discussions of Asperger's and such it is likely that I have quite nasty amounts of autism and that both my children have it too. This is, apparently, quite a strain for Tilly - who is neuro-typical and normal. I have no watched the video linked in another comment (thank you anonymous human) which you can check out here. It's worth a watch as it does sum up how I had been approaching my autism - that is, it makes sense to me. I have long noticed that I 'get on' with students with varying types of autism, this may explain why, I sort of 'get' them in a way that I don't necessarily grok your average neuro-typical human.

Being a good aspie I pushed to go to the barefoot walk then
freaked out and didn't do it.

The Girlie went around it ten times.
Since that affair, and my last posts on here, things have settled somewhat. Tilly still doesn't really want to actually spend time with me, or I'm not noticing when she does at any rate. She has sat with me whilst we worked (she ended up lying on the sofa to read) and then I went and did some marking toward the end of last week, we've worked in separate rooms since. A family day out saw the traditional splitting of parents and children, though we both took turns with each, and there was little to no time spent together. Tilly was vaguely grumpy from the start with both me and the children (she was rather wedded to a plan she had in her head but did not share) but she coped in the end and I ended up sniping back, which was far from edifying. Analysing my own behaviour was interesting - I did tend to start with the idea that problems were the fault of other people and then have to fight myself down, usually after making a sniping remark at either Tilly or one of the children.

They're like rubber.
As to why and how I tolerate Tilly's behaviours... I don't know as I have any other options here. My own behaviours are hardly edifying nor rational, I think anyone observing how I live my life would be hard pushed to make many positive remarks about my personality or my behaviour and assumptions toward and about other people. My online persona and my real life persona in private (I count family as private) are very different things. I suspect that my good teacher friend who reads this here blog from time to time would be able to say I am very private in real life so it is hard to know anything for sure about what goes on the black box of my brain.

However, let's indulge that aspie part of me that wants to blame Tilly for the ills in our relationship and assume that it is mostly her fault. What do we do then? It is already very obvious that people don't change much and that fundamental change is a glacially slow process that may never yield a result. I therefore posit that changing Tilly's responses and behaviours is virtually impossible.

Close enough to what I bought.

They're pretty, yes?
We had a discussion about our relationship last week. We shared some deep stuff. But nothing has changed. We haven't spent any extra time together and, apart from a comment on the Book of Faces about me getting her a cider recently, there hasn't been any relationship stuff to speak of. It was funny though, I bought wine for her recently and spied some flowers that I thought she might like. As I was paying for them the checkout assistant made a remark along the lines of was I spoiling my partner. I sort of made nice. She then signed off with a remark along the lines of (but not stated as obviously): hope you get lucky. Ha. Sure enough, Tilly appreciated the flowers, asked me to arrange them (I'm good at that) and then returned to her work. She drank some wine later and that was it. The following evening she wanted to watch a DVD but was feeling all floopy so I suggested one of her favourite films that she's not seen in ages. We watched it in the same room, it's a good film and a bit romantic, and then discussed the history of it, she even got animated. Then she retired to the spare room to work and then have a bath. By the time she came to bed, sometime after 11pm, I was asleep. Nothing has been mentioned since.

So, let us assume that none of this will change and that it's all Tilly's fault, what are my options?

Yeah... no. I may have issues from when my parents split up.

Not sure I could ever actually do that to my own children.
I could walk out on my family, but what would that achieve? I'm unlikely to the point of zero chance to gain any other relationship with a human female afterwards. My aspie nature combined with my temper and cross-dressing (as well as having a failed marriage in my past with two children) would not exactly be attractive features. My physical presentation, slightly flabby and unkempt, would also militate against being able to make initial connections. Finally, my sexual kinks and job would combine to scare away anyone dumb enough to still be hanging around by that point. Furthermore walking out would merely complicate relationships with my children. So... that's out.

I could significantly change my own behaviours to try and be what it was that Tilly found attractive in the first place - I have tried this to some degree but a combination of my own inability to understand emotional connections and Tilly's shifting goalposts has made this pretty hard. Furthermore, as I already noted, people tend not to be able to change. I am people. I cannot change me, in any positive or achievable sense, and Tilly cannot be expected to make all the changes to make our relationship improve if I'm making no changes.

Oh, I really am emotionally immature.

Well... bugger. By these definitions, by the by, Tilly is
emotionally mature.
Therefore I'm not so much trapped as I am resigned. I worry about me being unreasonable because that is in my control. Tilly's reason, or lack thereof, is outside of my control - there's nothing I can do about that. I can weather it or choose not to, that's it. I can't make her be more reasonable or conducive to my aims any more than she can with me.

As to emotional maturity, I'm well aware that my own emotional responses are bottled, confused and come out all in a lump. I am pretty certain I am far from emotional maturity, which must be hard for Tilly and, indeed, anyone else. As to her's... I have nothing to compare that to. If, as has been said to me, she lacks emotional maturity then, again, there's nothing I can do about that. I can choose to weather it or have more arguments like the one detailed back in the King's Cross entry.

And I am conflict avoidant. I am a coward. And thus nothing will ever really change, for better or for worse. And I am the worst kind of person to have any kind of issues. In fact... There's a short story that you really have to read: here. I'll wait while you read it because it is brilliant.

I'm the third case.

1 comment:

  1. Excuse the delay; way behind on my reading.

    I certainly don't advocate you leaving the kids. That is horrible. My issue has always been the goalposts. Your efforts are usually met with an escalation or change in expectations.

    It may well be that you are not nearly as engaging or charismatic in real life. I have to take your word on that.

    I don't know how you could ever convince her, but you two desperately need marriage counseling. You both need a third party to help you address your needs to the other, someone to call bullshit.

    I know there is plenty of blame to go around, but what is clear here is that you WANT things to be better. It does not seem that Tilly is at all interested in having more of a relationship. Marriages without shared goals and mutual respect seldom work.

    I would love to see you happy for a change. If the couples counseling is out, solo therapy could help you figure out how to deal with the continuing shortfalls.



All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!