Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Heed the Call

Credit where it's due: the excellent caption site run by
Friedoline!
Firstly: huge thanks to Stana again, she's hosting a series of posts about people's first time cross-dressing and, because I am me, I have shared mine (here). This has not created the kind of conversation that surrounded the favourite pictures and I wonder why. Could it be that virtually all cross-dressers, whatever their status, have memories of their own first times and, unlike pictures, there is nothing that really draws us into sharing the experiences of others in the same way? With visuals we can discuss what is shown, we can compliment and analyse, we can joke and make light where possible, maybe even debate. With experiences, emotions, there's not a lot to be said, I suppose, as everyone is unique and different. We all like to remember our times rather than have a look at other peoples'.

And again. But, let's face it, who wouldn't want to be
busy and dressed like this?

Okay, the handcuffs would sort of get in the way, I'll grant you
but who said anything about this had to be realistic?
Busy as always here. Still falling behind on marking but surviving on the lessons and the planning, which is an achievement of sorts given the fact that I am so far behind I'm not even managing to prepare new powerpoints. This is most unusual for me. It seems not so long ago that I was creating three or four lessons a day and now I'm barely managing one a month. This is either creative burn-out or laziness, and I think you all know which way I'm going to be jumping on that one! It's not helped by the fact that I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning again.

Went to my local on the Friday though, which was nice. Tilly was out at a curry night last night and so encouraged me to go out the night before. I had a lovely time, to be sure, but I do worry that I sort of wasted the night. There's a reason, after all, why I'm not creating new lessons and finding it hard to keep up with work - constant stuff like this is part of it. Mind you, I had my reasons. Tilly's back has been playing up again recently, requiring the use of hot water bottles to ease the pain again. It's been getting steadily worse for the last fortnight. On Friday I tried to make clear that this was why I wasn't asking for conjugal relations and also to check that I should be standing back.

I was not prepared.

I think, maybe, she was aiming for this?
Tilly launched into how my mental state since Christmas made any kind of physical relationship impossible. How wearing it was, how hard it made being anywhere near me, and how much she was forced to fend for herself. The reason we hadn't had anything approaching physicality was, she said, my mental state. I may be dealing with the outward bits better, she said, by not snapping at the children and being grumpy but that did not mean that she didn't know what was going on. She sympathised with how shitty it must feel in my head but I must understand that this shittiness was something she wanted to avoid, to run away from, and that  wasn't doing anything about it. Fine, I feel bad, but why wasn't I doing something? I explained my reluctance to use medication, my distrust of therapy after being burned twice already (and essentially being shit) and the fact that I was reading around things.

Yes, she said, but I was still finding it hard to get up in a morning. I was still struggling with work, with getting out of the bath (we still have no shower) and even though she has been doing a great deal to shield me from doing stuff around the house I'm not getting things done. So, she's fallen back into her own coping strategies of working and bathing and going to bed of an evening. It was hard for her to see any time when we could engage with one another with all the work she has going on. Even if there were time to engage as a couple then I needed to push her. Yes, that may mean getting short shrift most of the time (if not all the time) but she would reflect and maybe make a move a week or two later after the idea had time to settle. This wasn't, by the way, an ambush. Or, if it was, it was the same as what I do when I talk to her about how I feel about things.

Yeah, that's about it.
She wants me to be able to talk to her about how I feel and share my thoughts. But she is aware that this doesn't happen. Oh, no, not now because she's working and busy, but when we have time together and if I've let her know in advance that I'd like to talk. But I have to be prepared for the aftermath in letting her know things - the aftermath being that she reverts to self-sufficiency and avoids contact, physical or otherwise, because my depression and my feelings are toxic and bring her down.

Of course I went out and got drunk and stayed out later than planned.


So probably down to the drink the night
before.

Honestly, three halves and a 9% ABV
Belgian beer and I'm anybody's.
As usual we didn't see each other much on Saturday. I went shopping, came home, took the Boy shopping and had lunch, came home and watched Star Wars Ep VII with the Boy and then looked after both kids whilst Tilly cooked. Read to the Girlie whilst the Boy read to Tilly and then Tilly went off to her curry night. I could have dressed. I should have dressed. I did not. Tilly came home just as I was falling asleep and I failed to get awake again.

Today I marshalled the children downstairs from early o'clock and did the morning chores (pots and the chinchilla). I had a bath. We went to IKEA. Tilly and I did manage holding hands whilst the children were in Smaland, and Tilly did do the leading and pulling me along, I confess to liking that. But she was distracted and we didn't really talk much, she didn't want to. She even went and bought lunch, something that, in fairness, she has never done before at IKEA. Then she looked after the children on the playpark whilst I went and bought the shelves we went for. At home the Boy and I erected the shelves and tidied, ish, the DVDs that were to go on them. The Girlie listened to her new CDs (I burned them this morning) and Tilly did work. Then Girlie and Boy watched a DVD whilst I continued to try and tidy the DVD explosion the new shelves caused and Tilly worked. Girlie and Boy went to bed, I finished the tidying, Tilly worked. Then I went and charged the car, came home and wrote this.

Wow, what an interesting entry.


4 comments:

  1. Don't know about you, but I find that a listlessness tends to creep in at this point in the academic year. It's nearly over, but you still have to go and do a load of stuff while thinking about next year's stuff.

    Here's a thought, what kind of free childcare do you have? Do either of you have family members around that could be trusted to magic the kids away for a weekend? Furiosa and I have managed this a few times and it's always great. You don't even have to bonk, it's just nice to read a book for as long as you want, go out for coffee and a chat about entirely meaningless stuff, have a stress-free meal time and maybe get pissed together of an evening. When was the last time Tilly did any of those things with you?

    Just a thought, mind, and your extended family might be less available for that sort of thing.

    LMW

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    Replies
    1. Agreed on the work front, it can be annoying. Not so bad, methinks, as the potentials and pitfalls not of your own making that you face, however.

      On thoughts: we have no free childcare. My father and his wife do not agree with offering free childcare and violently disagree with our decision to home-educate, thus diminishing their desire to offer anything free for any reason, least of all childcare. They see what we have done as being 'the easy way out' for which we ought to be punished. Neither of them believe home education should be legal. My Mother is my mother. Tilly's family is too far away. Friends locally all have gazillions of children and cannot add more. And Tilly has issues in leaving the children with people. We had one person, but they have two autistic boys and have already done two nights without recompense - far and away too much for them. One of those was for Tilly and I to go and see a film back in 2014. So... no, we have no options like that. Also, neither of us has helpful extended family. I barely know my cousins, my brother disagrees with virtually everything we've ever done as a couple (and still doesn't like me much from his teen years, which is to be expected) and my grandparents are... well. Tilly has just her one cousin, who has a new small child of their own and cannot be expected to take on our two.

      And there's that whole thing, just to reiterate, where Tilly is really uncomfortable with leaving our children with other people. It took three years for her to be comfortable leaving them with me so she could go out with friends, and she freely admits this.

      We did manage a night in July (http://happinessv1.blogspot.com/2015/08/dont-open-that-trapdoor.html) together using my mother at her home base, but that was a late evening and... well, I think Tilly was less than impressed with the whole affair because it has never been repeated nor brought up again.

      We did talk on an evening. We did. Regularly. In that sense, we've never needed to lose the children, well, at least since we moved. The main issue is less the children and more the work. Both of our work. Oh, and, as usual, my depression. My feelings exude like the smell of chili if I dare so much as smell anything hot and both of these things are toxic to Tilly - she runs away from them, always has. My bodily odour is bad enough to still cause her to recoil from time to time (coffee, tea and most herbs and spices have been added to the verboten list as well). Factor in the fact that my depression makes her not want to spend time with me and... well.

      Then there's her work. She freely admits that she's taken too much on, but she won't drop time with her narcissist writing buddy (which is fair enough, I guess, they've had more nights together since August than Tilly and I have had, and they seem to have more fun too) and needs to fulfil contracts.

      Marking is hoving into view. That steals a good few months (and we need the money, my budget won't stretch to cover the year otherwise).

      The last time Tilly did any of those things you mention with me was in July (see previous link). Before that it was Christmas 2014. And before that it was August 2009. And before that it was Bank Holiday weekend in August 2007. Yes, that does include all the time around our wedding and honeymoon, strange that.

      Sorry, you were being helpful and nice. I've gone and ranted all over your goodwill. Thank you, and my apologies.

      Joanna

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  2. It's as I feared, you have little to no option. It's the sort of thing that needs more than an evening alone together, and I'm not even talking about sexy times. Just person-times, where you have time and space to get to the end of the list of household management conversations and get round to enjoying each other's company again. Our mileage, which varies, involves kindly inlaws who will happily take our small Chap away for 2-3 days at a time. Depends on the inlaws, and the children, and the Furiosa, though.

    There's also some shonky life-hack bullshit about the 2-2-2 rule, where you go out together for an evening every 2 weeks, a weekend every 2 months and a week every 2 years. I haven't tried the system myself, because organisation, but there's a lot to be said for still going on dates despite being married already.

    If you can find a babysitter that everyone's happy with, I think you should go on a few dates. With each other, I mean.

    LMW

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    Replies
    1. Yep.

      We did, you know. We got past the basic housekeeping and had time and space together of an evening, when the children were a-bed. We really did. But, since around July last year, it's all gone a bit wrong.

      And yes, I would love dates. Tilly has made it clear that this can't happen until I change and either stop being depressed or do enough that she can bear to be around me without being attacked by my gloom.

      There is, indeed, much to be said for going on dates as a married couple and I am painfully aware that three dates since being married is shit. So I've managed the 3-0-0 system. 3 nights out in 8 years, 0 weekends and 0 weeks.

      Mind you, I find dates are a bit inferior to figs and certainly lack the interest of your citrus fruits. Less likely to find date-flavours in ale too. So, perhaps I ought to focus on more on my grapefruit. ;)

      Joanna

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!