A resolution, of sorts, has been reached. Given my black mood and advancing gloom it wouldn't take much.
Also, I have acquired The Battle of Orgreave on DVD. I am rather pleased, I've been looking for it since catching it by accident on Channel 4 way back late one evening where I used to live (I was half asleep on the sofa as it was on). It could be really good for lessons, but mostly I just want to see it again. In the wake of the stuff I've been watching on Hillsborough it will no doubt resonate in a different way.
I am also on my second ale of the day.
We have booked a holiday. I thought two hanging days of term were training days, and that they had been rescheduled to take place as after school sessions. So we'd booked a holiday starting with those two days after a mad weekend. I was wrong. I assumed incorrectly. Tilly and the children will have to go on holiday on trains and I shall have to join them later.
This sort of thing never used to happen. I never used to be this bad at organisation. And it is getting worse. No stressful work situation to blame here, no year plus deprivation of sex either nor car blowing up. Just me. My inability to organise myself and make sense of my world. This was all discovered on Friday night. This morning Tilly and I had a brief chat about it. We came quickly to the conclusion that I couldn't cope with organising other people - that is, it never used to happen because I was rigidly bound to routine. Indeed, the only other examples of such egregious stupidity and lack of organisation were the failure to attend the wedding of a good and dear couple of friends (when, interestingly, I was in a relationship with Toby) and the not putting the clocks back (or forward, I forget which) - also whilst I was in a relationship with Toby. In short - when I cannot rigidly control my own routine I fail to actually organise myself and it is cumulative in the effect, leading to stupid issues like the financial discrepancy when we moved and, now, this holiday fiasco. What is remarkable is that there are not more issues given that background.
As a consequence of Tilly's insight about the context being the reason I suggested that I would not cope with a third child. This, in itself, no change from when it was first mooted however long ago. Tilly says she will get angry about this at some point but, right now, she has too much work on and is taking the Girlie to London to see Hampton Court this weekend. They're off overnight, so there's packing to be done.
Much of the day, for me, has been the usual looking after the Boy and being in a bit of a black mood. This evening Tilly continues to work, she's about to have a bath, and then she will read in the spare room until she retires to bed. I intend to be in bed before then, I'm too tired. I suspect I am now deliberately turning away.
There is no win condition in the third child debate.
If we have one, I shall be miserable and unable to fully cope, there will be no resumption of our relationship in any meaningful sense for at least two years if not longer surrounding the birth. As the time for birth draws closer I shall be primary care-giver for both children and will likely be working full time (I realise I still get it easier) and, immediately after birth, that situation will continue. Eldest will be insufferable in this time and unsteady, this will infect the now middle child. I shall probably cope badly, which will cycle round into there being even less of a relationship on and on like it did the first two times.
And, if we continue as we are: Tilly will get increasingly angry and bitter, will blame me (not unreasonably) and there will be a further breakdown of our relationship. We will likely continue to drift along beside one another, there won't be much point in Tilly trying to make our relationship more physical, for a number of years with little movement to resolve the underlying causes of discontent. I will get annoyed about Tilly being unapproachable and unwilling to take any role in our relationship and thus will fuel her own separation from these issues by providing her with legitimate reasons to not seek me out or share time with me.
The only difference I see between the two conditions, the only difference, is that Tilly may actually be happy in the first one. But neither outcome will offer anything in terms of satisfaction in our relationship and both will be painful. In the first outcome there is a stronger possibility of my depression leading to darker places than at present. That's about it.
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!