My marking grows ever more urgent and remains undone most of the time. Things at work pile up but so far no balls dropped. Less stress and more tiredness.
|Yeah, I can relate to this. This is apposite.|
The other key to the sudden change in heart from Tilly may well be related to the way I phrased my issues etc. I told her that I wasn't so much questioning whether or not I was female so much as I was me and looking for how best to express that. So, sometimes I like flowery things and clothes that society tells me are feminine. Other times I like soldiers, painting and warfare and things that society tells me are masculine. I do believe that this was a breakthrough comment for Tilly and that it has precipitated her mellowing toward my expressed issues and wishes. What that means in the long term (and The Flowers was certainly positive) remains to be seen.
To her credit, Tilly addressed all of the concerns I raised years back about the prospect - her distance, irritability, discomfort, lack of intimacy, lack of sex (both now attributed to wanting to get 'frisky' but not understanding me enough to not get so angry with what I said or did that she wrote off anything nice in favour of being annoyed) etc. She explained that, with things much better now, she was keen to keep that going and use it to make the whole experience better and part of our love for one another. I was flattered. She was a little confused by my rather unexpected concerns surrounding the fact that climatologists refuse to have children (citing their conclusions as evidence why) and my own feeling that population density-easing was best practiced at home - which are my main concerns these days. The rest, what she tackled, remains in my mind as things that are issues, but are not my driving concern regarding children. We agreed to think on what each other had said. Well, Tilly urged me to digest what she had said.
And I have. In the bath yesterday morning I thought about how little has really changed, though very much for the better, and how little time we've had so far. Now, if this were after a year or so of changed attitudes and increased affection etc then I suspect I would be more open. As it is... It is too early, I feel, to be making any rash decisions about children with the promises given thus far. Case in point - a recent request for intimacy from Tilly was interrupted by illness and the predictable time of the month. Commuted to snuggling (no complaints about that) but that became me stroking her hair and her falling asleep. Not really 'snuggling' as such. It did... well, suffice to say, I don't see any change there for a bit. I'm still not complaining, but I shan't be changing my life plans on increased intimacy any time soon.
I also haven't dressed in the New Year. I was hoping to do so tonight as Tilly was due out with friends. Which is now not happening. Also, both children are slightly ill. In the Boy's case this translates to 'won't sleep until midnight' and 'gets up at ungodly o'clock in the morning'. Bugger.
Finally, I've gone from 32 followers to... uh... 26. Not sure what I've done to offend people. Probably my lack of posting and activity. Getting flowers? Eh, who knows.