Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 11 December 2015

Sorry - boring babbling again

Yes, that about sums it up.

Oh, the article I shall refer to later
is here: link

Thank you, friend!
I am a chatterbox, aren't I?

Further discussion last night. Results: Tilly didn't realise I was specifically asking for flowers to be bought for me, despite the fact I said those words several times. It took me five tries to get her to realise what I was saying during the discussion. She thinks that this is odd, after all: being bought flowers is something that women have and men do for them. On sex: she's an introverted extrovert (or vice versa) and therefore needs lots of input before she can think of it. Each viewing of the telly together gets her to the right point but she's waiting for me to ask. That conversation where I referenced The Secretary? Well, that wasn't because of what I said but because she wanted to listen to the show. I missed my opportunity.

I give up too easily, she says, and it is exhausting trying to coax me into asking. She doesn't want to be the one who asks. But if I catch her at the wrong moment or I'm too stressed or I'm analysing too much or I'm thinking too much then she will say no, possibly fiercely. And that's not just for sex, that's for anything. So, when I go too far and she says no, I pull back, but I never know when is right to broach again and, because I'm not making any move, she stops thinking about it and it doesn't happen again until the next crisis point. That's why it's been three months. It will be longer yet.

The conversation we had last night? Good example of something that leaves her drained and in need of a "week alone on an evening just to recharge." Anything physical must be built up to. And now she needs to recharge before I can ask again, asking too early will extend the wait, but not asking soon enough will make it harder to recharge those batteries and get back to being physical.

A friend shared an article about emotional work and the burden falling on women. Yes, I am guilty of doing that to femme-folk. Especially Tilly. I told her so. I resolve to do better.

The pattern is maintained.

Mine were older and thus less fresh and full. Also, less
of them.

Reassuring to know that I still like yellow roses so
much. Tilly was uninterested. She remains so.
She's off to London with the Girlie this weekend. I was home later than I meant to be (soapboxing about breastfeeding at the pub) and helped get children to bed. Tilly is sharing with Girlie to effect proper sleep before an early start. She went to have a bath, I went to charge the car. Back at 9pm, she's in bed. I barely caught her before sleep. No contact, she's stressed about tomorrow and recharging after last night, but what get's me is the fact that there was no warning I would come back to find her in bed. Tilly never told me she was having a night this early. Had I been ten minutes longer she would have been asleep when I got home. My fault, I was late out.

Talking seems to be what I do, but it never changes anything. The more I talk, the more I turn things over aloud, the more Tilly is drained and the more recharging she needs. The more recharging, the less contact and the less actual relationship we have. I'm slowly killing any progress we ever make because I want to see progress and I need to clarify things. I had to repeat "I would like you to buy me flowers" five times before Tilly understood that I wanted her to buy me flowers and repeating it five times was draining for Tilly - she thought me buying flowers for the house, rather than her, would show movement. There's been no progress because I refuse to take a step like buying flowers for the house rather than for her. I have bought flowers for the house, I did it last night.

Oh, an addendum, I could have bought her flowers more often from 2007 and that would have ameliorated the feeling that I was emotionally unattached. She likes being bought flowers. Not all the time, sometimes it would be seen as suspicious and unhelpful and insulting, but being surprised by flowers is good way of showing support. Except when it isn't. No, I shouldn't expect any flagging on this: normal people, most people, can do this and work out the difference.

I'm giving it six months from the Discussion. If by the end of that (beginning of June 2016) we are still around here I shall, reluctantly, have to start disengagement. I shall be drained. Is that unfair? I think that's probably unfair.

Let's depress myself further shall we?

1. Physical and emotional intimacy from a single, female, partner.

On and off. Sometimes I am rebuffed from physical contact and trying again too quickly will lead to a longer period without contact, not trying soon enough will lead to a longer period without contact too. So, intense periods followed by long gaps is the norm at the moment.

2. Security of need - to know that I will be supported and desired.

I am supported, as much as Tilly is able. I do not support. I am not desired.

3. To be loved for who I am and to love in return.

Remains unknown. She is affectionate toward me, certainly, but there is no flame of passion. Tilly dislikes candles.

4. To be complimented once in a while.

Nope. This remains unmet - Tilly doesn't see the point if I'm not filling her cup, so to speak, and helping her recharge. And, if I am (and she says I do sometimes), she can't because she needs to fill up first. And, if she's feeling recharged, there's no point because compliments are meaningless.

5. When I say things like "I'm fat" to be told the pointless lie "I still love you".

Nope. It's still point 4 repeated. If I feel I'm fat I should eat less shit or do more exercise, duh!

6. To have playful and experimental experiences that may, or may not, lead to sex.

We've done it once a month, ish, five times and there was a concentrated period of this around March to May. Better than before, right?

7. To leave with a kiss goodbye, arrive home to a kiss hello. Hell, to kiss once in a while.

On and off. I never leave with any acknowledgement from Tilly, she is asleep.

8. To come first once in a while and be able to allow my partner to come first too. And no, not in a sexual sense.

Latter part done. Done. And still being done. But not enough and not all the time. The rest? Well, I was late back tonight and Tilly wasn't angry and we've had three conversations about me.

9. To dress safely and be able to talk about that fully. To have someone understand the liberation it brings to me and accept it, even if they don't want anything else to do with it.

Nope, not going to happen either methinks.

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