|Or having a period, either way...|
After the Discussion there were various loose ends, so I thought, about my dressing and what it all meant. Tilly had suggested that there may be further compromise (through worrying if she wasn't able to compromise enough for me in the future) and there was even suggestion that there would be further Discussion. However, nothing further had materialised and I was concerned about the upcoming festive season.
People were encouraging about my, ahem, bravery in discussing my dressing with Tilly and suggested that Tilly was making positive steps. I was less certain. Being me, I had seen some rather nice duvet covers and sheets for the bed. See, since the Discussion I had been feeling freer than I think I have ever done before (with the possible exception of the second half of 2005 and early 2006) and I was surprised by how much I had been self-repressing. Going to IKEA was fun and a happy place because I was allowing myself to look at and admire and imagine owning furnishings with flowery patterns and pastel colours. I was looking at candles, I was smelling the scents and even just comparing items in a way I hadn't done before. In short, I was feeling like me. So much like me that I started looking at watches and wondering if they may be on the menu.
|It's on offer, and it's a blanket. I thought I was on for a win|
with this, but Tilly was initially confused, then irritated
and then just irritably confused when I said I liked it.
No, it won't be bought.
She is still 'processing' the Discussion. She felt that she would never stop this process or come to any kind of understanding of it. Why was I not able to just carry on as before? Was that not good enough? Did I not realise how big it was for me to say that I wasn't part of the gender binary and was it not enough to have said it and then return to how things were before? I mean, surely I was just the same as before I said anything and I came across as reasonably male then. I did point out how much I had repressed things and how much freer I had felt. Tilly professed confusion and requested that I not open up around her or the children or in public or at work or with friends if at all possible. This was dangerous, she repeated (from the Discussion), and is the sort of thing I could get sacked for - so wasn't it best that I keep it all private and hidden. Sure, I could buy clothing (no, she had no desire to know any more than that) for Christmas as I seemed to be good enough at concealing clothing that she knew where it was but could ignore it if necessary. But no, she would not be party to any requests for time to dress or otherwise indulge. She hadn't been thus far and had no desire to change that in the future. She had, in the Discussion, expressed with surprise "but where do you find the time?" and, now, reminded me that I was finding the time and the space without her help.
She suggested that she could buy me a candle. A theme returned to tonight. I even suggested flowers for me. Tilly demurred, we could buy flowers for the house. She will not buy flowers for me, though I can still buy them for her or the house if I want.
And therapy. I have been looking through a list of therapists in the local area trying to work out what I would talk to them about. I mean, I have some half-baked ideas about identity and I'm reasonably certain that I count as depressed but... my experiences with two therapists and a psychoanalyst don't fill me with hope. The first fellow was well-meaning but bored by my incessant dribble, the second lady (chosen because the first one was male) was more involved but I ultimately ruined any progress that could have been made and the latter was... well, the less said about that session the better. It's not one of my proudest moments. I read the list a few times, even looked at personal sites for a few of them but have got no further. Until I know roughly what I want from the sessions (even if that later changes) I think that I would be wasting their time and my money to go.
Couple's therapy is a joke. Tilly is perfectly happy where we are and with our situation. Our lack of sex-life and weird 'compromise' regarding my sexuality, such as it is, is working for everyone but me. I'm what is broken in our relationship. What, she has asked in the past, would couple's therapy change in any of that? You fix the broken part of relationships: and that is me.
Another part of the anger, I can't deny, is the sexless marriage thing that rumbles on. We're at three months again. I promised myself a year in March, then I extended it in July. Do I extend another year from the Discussion? How much do I extend? When do I throw up my hands and say "fuck it"? When is the right time? Is there a right time? I suspect, post-Discussion, there will be 'processing time' before Tilly can contemplate sexual relations again. If previous escapades are anything to go by I could be waiting up to three years for sexual relations. After the long waits in the past, do I care to wait another three years for a return to once a month where it's all a bit... unsatisfying? Well, it's that or nothing.