Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Bah, Humbug!

Yeah, that's close enough. If I wore glasses (or more
purple) then this would be how I looked at the start
of advent.
It will come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I am not a fan of the Christmas season. However, there are a number of positives this year. Some, like the fact that I no longer live in the metropolis I suffered for a decade and the fact that I have a job that I enjoy again, are not new (but no less effective) and others, like some of the things to talk about in this post, are brand new.

Mind you, all of this, I am aware, comes at a time when a good friend of mine is in a somewhat difficult position regarding their own head-scape and the ramifications of it. I suspect, nay know, that they will deal with these things effectively and well given time - it is in their character - but that doesn't make the build up or the process any easier. I am also aware that there has been virtual silence from Leslie and Rhiannon, both of whom are wonderful people, and that may not be boding well. These are all good people, people who are in need of support and commentary, and here I am talking of good things. It is a difficult square to circle, methinks, but I accept that my positives are still very positive.

Is this it? Is this what I was referring to in that night-time
conversation?

I no longer know what it is.
Girlie is once again in a dance show and I am once again playing taxi but there have been some differences this year compared to the last two. First of all has been Tilly's actual thanks for playing the role, rather than expectation and occasional anger at slip-ups, traffic or perceived lateness. Indeed, on three occasions we have shared kisses on actual lips since Friday! This is big news, actually, and may be the most sustained sharing of physical affection since 4 September. Okay, there's been no other moves to other actions, but I appreciate that there has been cold in the house, with all of us coming down with snot and coughs, for a few weeks. Second of all, I was asked what I wanted for Christmas (after asking Tilly) and when I made noises about "things off the menu" based on our most recent Discussion I was informed, via text the following day, that I could take some of the Christmas budget and buy things for myself. Now, I'll be honest, I am crap at knowing what I want (more on which in a moment) but the fact that Tilly was willing to countenance the unknown (and I'm equally unsure to what I was referring) is something. Something rather big I feel.

Maybe, perhaps, something like this
instead. It certainly says a few things.

Mind you, the thing it says most to me
is how pretty it is and I rather like the
flower motif.

Trouble is, there's nowhere really that
I could wear this for any length of time
no matter how nice it looks.

I mean, work is out. Home is out if we're
not going to discuss things with the children
and my area of the country is a tad... how
shall I put it... traditional working class.
Wearing this is likely to get me beaten up.

Lovely as this is, it would likely have to
stay in the box. Which would be sad.
The fact that I am no more the wiser what I would like for gifts than ever is nothing new. I always used to have ideas, things that I wanted, but I've spent so long repressing those things that I no longer really know. For the longest time I hoped for something, well, feminine - maybe clothing or jewelry or something - and that is silly. It is silly for two reasons: 1. no one would buy me something feminine even if I asked for it and 2. when in the world would anything like that get used or worn? Then there was the body of time where I was considering chastity (in chunks, most recently in the build up to the Discussion) and, I'll confess, part of me still feels that such items may be useful. After all, we have made no sexual moves since 4 September. There's nothing DVD-esque or music-wise that I particularly hanker for. I've obviated most hobbies now: I no longer read or write, for example, and I haven't played an actual computer game (not counting flash games) since sometime in 2008 - indeed, despite saying I would back in 2012 I haven't even got a computer capable of playing them on any more. Having a PS2 with some racing games on it (mainly Gran Turismo) hasn't really caused me to play much since we moved, to be honest. I accept that I am virtually impossible to buy for. Well, virtually impossible to buy something for that would actually see any sustained use. I can't claim that I don't still hanker for something feminine: a dress, a bracelet, a necklace... I don't know. I've even looked at watches again but, you know, there's nothing that jumps out. Okay, no, there's nothing that I think I would get much use out of and the power of my stinginess is bigger than the desire to get a funky watch. My existing watch still works, after all, and the status quo is powerful in my life.

This is a lovely duvet cover. I'd happily have it.

At present I'm relying on the grey and black one I got as a 16th
Birthday present from my Mother and the blue and white
(mainly blue) one I got for Christmas that year. Now and again
the more red one (birthday, same year) gets an airing.

Basically, teenage boy from the mid-90s in the UK. It's...

Well, it's never really been 'me' but inertia is something that
I rather seem to feel comfortable with. I rather think we're not
ready for me to come home with something like this for the bed.
Since 'coming out' as genderqueer to Tilly, and I guess that is what I did, I have actually found that I am having more feminine flashes than before I did it. As in... well, I find myself looking more obviously at things that are considered feminine or indulging mentally in finding things 'pretty' or just good looking - as opposed to forcing the drab practicality test on things before I look too closely or too long. I think this is positive. It's certainly helped IKEA become a happy place of late whilst charging the car and I can't complain about that.

Last night, after we'd all been to the Girlie's show, the Boy was feeling sick and came into our bed. the Girlie quickly followed but I felt as though Tilly was sorry to see me decamp (there isn't quite room for all four of us in our bed). That is, there was a genuine sorrow that I was going and a lingering hug as I left. My compliments on her appearance have also been received better recently too, like Tilly thinks I mean them. Is this the first sign that her 'vibes' are now understood after my 'coming out'? I honestly don't know.

I don't think Tilly's ready for a further conversation on my identity or my preferences, certainly not in the sexual sense, or even a confirmation on what has already been shared and discussed, but this may be a genuine re-start and re-boot. After so many false starts and changes that went nowhere I could just be jumping the gun and getting happy too early. Whatever, for the moment there are positives and I am happy to see and experience them.


4 comments:

  1. Hello lovely, I didn't realise you used to live in Leeds - my location too! I feel similarly about it as you seemingly! I have been very preoccupied with a million things going on outside of the world of Rhiannon, but did actually start writing a blog a few weeks ago, but never finished it - I really must do so. Thank you for your prompt - and your kind words, I've been so impressed of late with your bravery in conversing with Tilly, not easy to do, but you need to try at least to be able to live with more authenticity. I had a similar duvet experience when I split up with my wife: my kids were going to visit and see it, so I regret that I went for more 'masculinised' flowers on mine. Glad I didn't go Cath Kidston / Laura Ashley after - the kids even commented on the flowers I had bought. I've clearly trained them well to have their own sense of gender. Bah! :) ...

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    Replies
    1. Bah indeed! It's one thing I have done with ours - they're used to me liking flowers and such on some level. The Boy often joins in. It's just as masculine as not!

      You are always worthy of kind words, remember that! As for my bravery, well, it's hard for me to acknowledge that too much, I've been waiting to share these things with Tilly since we met (and have been actively trying) - these things are important. Also, bear in mind, I've had an epiphany about potential end points which does make my part much easier.

      Keep on keeping on!

      Joanna
      xx

      Delete
  2. Ahoy! Christmas is always a weird time, full of expectations and panic, and knowing what to buy and what to ask for is always a problem. Then there's seeing all the relatives, but the less said about them the better.

    It sounds like Tilly is beginning to cut you some slack after you opened up. I think you've made it clear that Something is Going On and you're Not Having a Nice Time, and perhaps she's coming to realise that the whole crossdressing thing, while not her cup of tea, is mostly harmless. It's hard to say for sure, but it looks like talking about it with her is having positive results.

    It might not be so positive if you spend the Christmas money on the hardware, no matter how shiny it is. That's getting into kinky territory rather than simply dressing up, and I'm not sure she'll ever be ready for that sort of thing. Also, practicalities with small persons around.

    Not sure what else I can suggest to spend your Christmas money on. Maybe those boots, or maybe something else, like a fancypants phone or a beer brewing gadget. Dunno...

    qp

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    Replies
    1. Third time lucky!

      I agree with all of that and I'm not planning on purchasing any shiny hardware.

      Tilly and I are not talking - we have talked. Recent discussions suggest that she was unaware anything more needed to be said on the matter. She does not feel my dressing is mostly harmless (quite the contrary) and does not understand that I could struggle with what being a man or a woman is. She just gets on with living and never worries if she is a man or a woman, she is her. Therefore my struggle is unnecessary and indulgent.

      She will never want to know anything more about my dressing and would rather I didn't ask her for time or opportunity because then she would know about it.

      A discussion on misogyny in Game of Thrones where I referenced The Secretary last night further unveiled that she does not wish to discuss sex and sexuality beyond binaries and almost puritannical norms.

      Candles and 'frilly shit' and flowers will be accepted as things I like but they will be considered 'odd' and will never form the basis for "girly chats" (her words). Basically, no, I don't get to do more than grunt or approve.

      I have failed to communicate that Something is Going On or that I'm Not Having a Nice Time as she is unaware of either point. And would prefer to remain so, it would appear from the last couple of conversations.

      So... some positives: candles and 'frilly shit' and flowers. But I shan't ever be bought flowers. Or candles. Or 'frilly shit'.

      I suspect leaving my Christmas gift from Tilly, like my birthday gift, as potential rather than actual may be the way forwards.

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!