Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Changing Titles?

Holy shit, yes, that's how I felt. I even
decided against watching Delta and
the Bannermen
 from Dr Who because
it was just too bad.

Or I was just too much in this exact
Yesterday I forgot my laptop, I left it at work, and so I was unable to go online. What an odd experience. Tilly was out celebrating her birthday and my own ineptitude meant that the car needed to be charged. As a result we haven't really spoken to one another since Sunday. Monday evening was spent with Tilly finishing her book, Tuesday with me charging the car and then her having fun (oh, how terrible: not) and tonight she's writing with her writing buddy.

But it was interesting. Yesterday a colleague and I were discussing the problematic teaching of gender and socialisation with our students. Our students are mainly true Blue and very middle-class. They see themselves as liberals but they really aren't - they don't like challenge to gender (even suggesting that all gender is predicated on genitalia to the point where they actually supported the idea of checking one another's to prove they were what they said they were - I mean, wow). So we were talking about maybe facing the students with someone who is actually trans* and having a Q & A session so that we could put to bed some of their wackier claims about trans* people directly (and also have them realise how rude they were being by asking and questioning some of the things they were questioning). And I thought: Wait, what about me? That is, why not come out?

I didn't have the laptop so I couldn't ask for advice. I had arranged a meeting with a senior member of staff that I could trust and intended to see if I ought to at least let them know. But, without a laptop and no advice, I bottled it and did nothing of the sort.

Is that good? Is that bad?

Yes, pensive, I guess that covers it nicely.
Then I got to watching some interesting shorts on Channel 4 today, having been told of a documentary by the member of senior staff I went to talk to about widening the horizons of our students. In that conversation, and this person is an awesome forward-thinking Trans* ally, they did problematically insist on referring to the people in the show without surgery as 'girls' and 'women' (correcting three times when lapsing into referring to the people in the show as men and boys), and that should have tipped me off. I've since read this article about it. Nevertheless, this evening, I watched some shorts entitled My Trans Story. Each of these is about 3 minutes in length and thus perfect for sprinkling into a class if the question of gender rears its head again (and the students, to their credit, are continually grappling with it). One of the shorts deals with genderqueer, so of course I watched it. Now, I realise that people are people (thank you Depeche Mode) and that any definition of genderqueer will suffer because it is rarely universal but this was so far beyond my own feelings and understanding that it has me worried. Have I, perhaps (as usual) been a bit quick to have a 'revelation'? I've updated the Visitor's Guide, for example, and also considered going semi-public with it. But what if I'm not? What if I'm wrong and I don't fit the genderqueer label - who needs labels - and I'm just leaping on a bandwagon.

Whoever this person is I both envy them and respect them
more every time I see the picture.

Damn' them and their hair!
Take last night. No internet, no chance of an early return of Tilly and sleeping children. Did I dress? Did I embrace my freedom? No. No I did not. I got out my box, laid it down, and proceeded to ignore it (watching The Watchmen) until half way through the film. I paused the film (some interruptions for people ringing to wish Tilly a happy birthday don't count) and carried the box back upstairs, had an ale and then went to bed. These are not the actions of someone experiencing genderqueer-ness. At least, I don't think so. Was I just feeling masculine? Was I worrying about the potential of 'coming out' the following day? (Yes) Should I 'come out'? To whom? About what? Do I change my title to Mx? (I think I'd like that) Do I want that haircut on the left? (Hell yes) Would I suit it? (Probably not, no) I any further action likely to fall under being 'rash'? (Knowing my usual pattern of behaviour, almost definitely, and I know from experience that rash behaviour rarely works out positively for me or those I care about)

On the plus side: Tilly had a lovely night out; the Boy decided, having wet his bed, to sleep in with me; the film was good and my ale, the dark one, has reached the point where it is actually rather nice to drink.


  1. Furiosa and I have had the genderqueer conversation recently, about her mainly, rather than me, and our conclusion was a pretty radical one: gender roles, as traditionally defined, are not something that we, as a couple, really give credence to any more. We see the hold that they still have on society as a whole, the damage that they do to people who fall within and without them, and the convenience they afford to marketing departments. In our relationship, particularly since our son was born, we've made decisions based on what works for the two people that we are rather than what's 'supposed' to work for a man and a woman. Thus, for Furiosa to dis-identify as feminine is effectively to reify the traditional notion of femininity. Furiosa is a Furiosa, and labels are a poor fit, as they are for me, and probably you too.

    Speaking of me, my gendered expressions, both in and out of my fantasy worlds, are quite seriously messed up. First session with new therapist dug up some heavy stuff. I'll hopefully blog about it soon.


    1. That I can understand. KUDOS to you and your Imperator! My understanding of genderqueer, though, is to combine the two notions of masculine and feminine, so that one need not dis-identify as either, YMMV. I have a blog post coming soon to follow up last night's musings too.

      You are, of course, entirely correct: I've never been one for gender roles, despite the fact that Tilly and I seem to fall, as a couple, quite neatly into many of society's boxes. Nevertheless, we've always tried to make decisions based on what works rather than on notions of what 'should' be.

      Excepting in the case of my cross-dressing and other issues, in which case we're firmly at 'what is expected' rather than 'what works'. Regarding parenting, however, we are very much 'out there' and tend to ignore notions of what society wants as much as is actually possible.

      I look forward to your blogging!

  2. Indeed, and I've had that conversation with Tilly myself a while ago, when she expressed a worry that from the outside it looks like she's accepted the role of housewife. It looks like she has, but we know her better. I argued that it's informed consent, and any attempt to argue patriarchy would detract from the informedness (not a word) and uniqueness of her very positive decision. Home edders have usually put a lot of thought into things like that, and while we've been tempted to go down that route ourselves, neither of us are the right person to actually commit to it.

    There's a new post. More to come, having had many a fruitful conversation these past two weeks. Also, new therapist, and some fun new pills. Whee.


    1. Sounds like you have a *good* therapist!

      And yes, Tilly has shared your exact argument this evening when I briefly brought it up.

      All power to you and hope the pills do what they're supposed to.

      Finally, thank you for continuing to comment, your sage counsel and responses are very much valued.



All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!