Tilly noticed my downcast mood today and asked. I told her everything in my head. After I went to collect take-out for tea she asked, directly, if I had thought about ending the relationship: "are things that bad?"
I said yes.
Since then she has cried, has said that I could have had everything I wanted but for the anger and stress in 2007 when she moved in and the summer when we conceived the Girlie. She has said that she has no idea how to make me feel wanted, that she doesn't know how to do that any more. She has said that "people need some time after a statement like that before hugs can happen" - the phrasing is not lost on me - after I went to hug her when she seemed very upset.
Let's just review that: I could have had everything I wanted but for something that happened in 2007.
She thought we were moving on, you see. Ah yes, that's the one. She doesn't understand why I would be comparing events now to what has gone before because we've moved past that. But, you know, for the fact where what I did eight fucking years ago means we can't ever have intimacy. History has changed again. And I let her do that.
Also, that means she hasn't noticed the lack of wedding ring. Compliments are just words, she tells me, and so the ones I make for her aren't noted. They're nice at the time but that's all. She sees no point in giving or making them for me. She shows love by not getting upset that I'm back home late or that she has to look after the children on a weekend to give me time to mark. That's nice and all, but big fucking deal.
In all of this? She hasn't said "I love you" once.
But I'm the bad guy.
Words of warning and welcome:
This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.
It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!