Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Humiliation

Yeah, that about sums it up. That's exactly how I feel.
I now know at least one sexual kink that I have toyed with the idea of attempting that is very much not a turn on. That kink is humiliation. At least, not in its dictionary defined version, because last night was very much about humiliation and I was not turned on by it in the slightest. After my brief post on here I retired to bed, Tilly had spoken of us reading together and maybe chatting, but she had finished reading. I had been gone less than ten minutes. She briefly roused to discuss the sex map, and I said I would load it up. Then, as I was doing so, she announced that she was taking a 'power-nap'. I set everything up and I waited. Around 10pm I gave up waiting and turned out the light. Then I lay there, in the dark, feeling very alone and thinking about how on earth I could have got to this point. Sometime after 11.30pm (I checked my phone) I fell asleep.

Oh, you took off your ring, how bloody melodramatic!

I bet you put it back on when you get something you see as
Tilly trying. Like it's a bloody barometer of whether you get
your selfish kicks out of a life-long partnership.

You know Tilly hasn't worn hers since 2011, so your stand
means so much.
This morning I woke with the children and sorted them out whilst Tilly slept. She surfaced, briefly, and then went for a bath. Then she got dressed, got the Girlie ready for a birthday party, kissed me on the head goodbye and left. Last night was referenced only as "I really didn't know how tired I was!" For someone who apologises a lot about silly things (Tilly, not me in this instance) I suppose I was expecting a half-apology at least. It has not arrived.

I have taken off my wedding ring again. I'm not sure what it represents any more. See, last night I got to reviewing things, as one would expect. Tilly's old room-mate from University, a female, sometimes comes to stay. Tilly has cuddled her in bed more than she has cuddled me. And I stretch back to our wedding night in 2008 to make that claim. When they lived together they would often crawl into one another's bed to sleep. The room-mate, for the avoidance of doubt, is utterly straight - there's no affair here, just shared space and cuddling for warmth and comfort. Last night, Tilly made continual references to the fact that I smell. I'd had a soup with chilli in it at lunchtime, Tilly dislikes the smell of chilli. She also mentioned the fact that I fart too much. True, yesterday I had the lentil bolognese she made and had left out for me to eat, so there was some farting. She mentioned that I was shivering, true as it was cold, and didn't like that.

I bought the Heartbreak Hotel, on my own with no investors,
Closed it down and opened the 'Fuck-You-Get-Over-It'
bed and breakfast.
I felt humiliated. We couldn't even talk about something I'd given plenty of warning about, had said would be light-hearted and... On Friday she was feeling out of sorts and I'd suggested sex, not expecting a yes response, and she said "we're doing that tomorrow, it can wait." Wait it did. Wait it did. "Can we not talk about sex tonight?" she asked after we'd got the children to bed. She didn't mean 'I don't want sex', that was already clear, she meant she didn't even want a discussion that may stray into the area of sex.

I feel humiliated. She tells me to take charge, to make her stick to her word and push for things that I would like, but when I do... Okay, everything is set up to discourage that, so that she can claim I don't try and then justify her lack of response and willingness. Other women she knows don't want sex either and wish their husbands wanted it less. Wanted it less - that is, they are having sex. I want to ask how often they're having it, and what would constitute less. Would twice a year be something Tilly's friends would be happy with? Is that their gold standard? And that's on average.

I nod sagely. It's true.
I get Tilly has been ill. I get the fact that taking both children out to the play was a bit draining for Tilly because she is still in recovery. I do. But I also know that when she is writing with her buddy on an evening she pushes through the tiredness, has arguments sure, but she stays the course and writes through. If she's working on her book then she will take notes, research, write segments and keep on pushing through until late at night and after I've gone to bed. If she's really tired she may even have a bath and read at the same time, heavy intellectual reading, taking notes and then writing it up after the bath and before bed. But not with me.

She says she wants a third child. I don't want another child. I already come last, I don't want something else to come before me, selfishly. I already come after the fucking pet. I don't want another two years of no sex, justified by breastfeeding, and then more years of no sexy-times or affection, justified by having a small person crawl all over her, followed by the last couple of years. I see no benefit to me, selfishly, in all of that. I'm stretched emotionally thin enough with two children. I'm not a good father, I have to really work at it, and having another child would just try my patience, and that's not fair. But it wouldn't be about this hypothetical child, it's about Tilly's need to have a child, her need to be a mother. And that just doesn't seem right or fair to me.

Not my most recent dressing.

10 comments:

  1. I want you to close your eyes for a moment (waitnotyet!), and just feel me giving you a big long warm hug. That's all. Just a big comforting hug.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I needed that when I read this comment.

      It's funny that when I am at my lowest something happens. It's done that two years running now. We shall see if there's a general change or if this time around (see most recent post) is just another sop.

      Not that I'm complaining.

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  2. I agree, I really feel for you Joanna. Thinking of you - wish I could give you a big hug too. Keep going lovely x

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  3. Oh - and I've made purchases from despair.com. That is a very cool website to select from :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, I'm not sure I'd want actual merchandise, imagine how dispiriting it would be! Though I do rather like the look of their 'fail to solve the mystery' of JFK book.

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    2. I have their pessimist's mug - it has a line half way up that says: "your cup is now half empty". Love it!

      Have you watched this TedTalk on youtube? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20 Thought it was interesting.

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    3. That sounds like a good mug. I prefer the engineer's refrain: "half my water is kept in a redundant glass" :)

      And yes, I have that video downloaded, in case I can ever manage to sit down with Tilly and watch it together. I doubt very much I shall ever manage. She has said herself that she thinks I think she's a prude. And, you know, I think she is a bit. I don't think she's always been a prude, but she most definitely is now.

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    4. And you are made to feel like the passive aggressive??

      I get to work with engineers regularly - they are funny... x

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    5. Well, I *am* passively-aggressive a lot.

      I only work with future engineers, they are funny too, but probably not for the same reasons! :) x

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!