I spent today working. Can't complain, massive pile of marking is now completed, but it's been a hard day. Tilly looked after the children, for which I am grateful but also very guilty. Boy blew up right before bed, threw himself about and knocked his head on the top of his headboard. He and I talked about it. I feel I handled it well, reminding him that it was okay to feel angry and upset even if it made him feel bad. I reminded him of the happiness he had felt at other points of the day, how he had been kind and cheerful and excited at different things and with different people. Being angry didn't make me love him any less, and his Mummy and Daddy are always happy on one level because we have him as our Boy and his sister as our Girlie. I tackled his guilt, after he started displaying it, and told him that he didn't need to feel that (but it was fine for him to feel it) any more. It seemed to work, he went to sleep much more easily tonight than any point recently.
The video above is a bit skippy, sorry, it does not do the song justice. B-side to Hey Matthew, which I have on 7" vinyl somewhere. It's a brilliant song, but... well.
No, I'm guilty because Tilly didn't manage to get any work done (her new laptop was suborned by the children to watch some Gummy Bears for a change). When she did get to write with Carol, earlier than usual, Carol had a blow-out and they've spent three hours in the back and forth that followed and Tilly hasn't managed to get any of the other things she wanted to do done. So, having completed my tasks, with her help, I was met with irritation. I gave a hug but was shoo-ed away. I was also ousted from the room, so I have retreated to bed and I'm writing this. Tilly hates any kind of physical contact or conversation when she's upset and/or angry so I'll aim to be asleep when she comes up.
The song above is called Faust by Pavel Dovgel. It's moody.
Last night was very cold indeed and, in bed, I reflected on the fact that though we'd gone together, Tilly wrapped up in her duvet in such a way that there was no way to share any physical contact. Do you think couples snuggle on cold nights? Is that what one does in a relationship? Toby and I would spoon, she was the big spoon, and sleep like that all night. But Toby was slightly unhealthily mad and so I have no idea if that is normal or not. I enjoyed it. I would like to repeat it. But I cross-dress and so my compass on what is and is not acceptable or desirable is a little skew-whiff.
Yes, it's the Pet Shop Boys. Obviously.
On a forum I frequent, someone asked a question: "could you ever love a cross-dresser?" Interestingly, there had been about 15 responses. It's not a place normally associated with sexual deviance either and so membership may be more representative than the circles I usually move in on forums online. The men suggested that it was possible, not from them as they were straight; but all of the women, bar one, said no. Not at all. That was 9/10 women. That's... compelling. Of the 9, six suggested that it was a disgusting habit and three said cross-dressing men was fine but not someone they would be able to spend time with. The remaining one lamented a man she liked being unobtainable, and he was a cross-dresser who was gay. She'd love him, you see, if he were straight. That woman was also the youngest, 18-21 from her profile. Telling, no?
|Too much to ask? Too much to ask.|
No one deserves to be loved. No one deserves acceptance. But it would be nice if no one had to.