|Yeah, this about sums up my feelings at the moment.|
|And also this.|
|Yeah, that too.|
Not often I live my principles enough to truly identify beyond
the surface either.
I think I may be giving up on this, by degrees.
|Is it me?|
Not just me.
But it may be me.
And I end up wondering - has anyone ever been attracted to me rather than what I represent? My first relationship was her's to, she was attracted to my availability and politeness - my gentleness - but we weren't going anywhere. I was a safe start in romantic life. Good enough. My second, Toby, was attracted to my apparent straight-laced qualities coupled with the strangeness of my cross-dressing desires and understanding. The apparent strength of my faith. Once she got to know me, she was less enamoured. Tilly? I have no idea what she saw in me. It wasn't me.
The tags explain what's after the line break.
It was a dream I had sometime this week. I bought Toby a collar, she always wanted to be collared and made to be a cat, so, in the dream, I indulged. I forced her into it (metal, locking) and she was happy with it. We played with it and I took her to a club on a leash, made her sit on the lap of a gay guy who wasn't interested in her, so that she could be petted and ignored, just like she wanted. At the end of the evening I led her back to her place. It was a holiday or something, there was no work for me any time soon, and so I was staying over. I promised her the key in the morning and thought I'd hidden it well.
Obviously, being me, I fell asleep at some point. She didn't. She found the key, reattached the collar on me and revealed her treat for me in return - a chastity device. She woke me up and we went out to the field, I've mentioned it before, but this time she didn't just handcuff me to the fence, she attached the chastity device and leashed the collar, also locked on, to the branch instead of the handcuffs. Then she put her glasses on me. I was left alone.
Having to look at the world through glasses, and my eyes having to adjust, meant that by the end of the night I was acclimatised to them. I stayed there another day. She fetched me in the evening and led me back to her place. There she made me keep the glasses on, but did not remove the collar or the chastity device. I was freed from the handcuffs and dressed in my normal clothes. We drove to my place, I drove of course, and went in. We watched a movie and I fell asleep. In the morning, closer to lunch, I wake to find Toby gone. The collar is locked on, the glasses are off and now I'm totally short sighted. I'm still in chastity. After some fumbling I find the glasses, put them on, and there's a note.
She's not coming back. The keys are hidden outside my flat somewhere. And that's it. The end.
I woke up at that point. It seems that even in my fantasies I'm to be rejected these days. The interesting thing to note here is that there's no rhyme or reason to it - it's a fairly obvious portrayal of how I feel at the moment. Except that there was more sexually related fun in the dream than in real life.
I think this hits pretty close to home at the moment: