Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Bits and Bats


This is the scene at which Tilly declared it simply "bullying and abuse"
and we ended the movie.

Following the ill-advised viewing of Secretary and the revelation by Tilly about what she thought of it we have had a discussion. I tried, and failed, to get out my thoughts on sex and sexual relations and we danced around the big topics, with Tilly stating that she wasn't asking deliberately because she sees one of my issues as being an inability to say things straight. A fact about which I think she is right, but it is infuriating. It also manifests, less helpfully, as a willful, though unconscious, misinterpretation of heavy hints - that is, unless something is stated directly and with unwavering prose Tilly will not understand what is being driven at.

Sadness.
Here I must point out how little I use names and nouns in speech. The Boy has inherited this approach and though some of it may well be genetic (autism anyone?) I think it is also learned as he models himself on me. I tend not to use his name or his sister's, and I go to great lengths to avoid using names in normal conversation - it's almost second nature now so I barely even register that I'm doing it - or even in e-mails and the like. It's a fascinating study in and of itself. This tendency also shows when I'm trying to get to an issue (witness my long meandering introductions and tangents to make points even in this post, let alone other posts on this blog).

There was also that other thing that Tilly does. Something I have said at some point in the past will be taken as controvertible truth that cannot be developed, amended or changed without being made out to have been a lie. So it is that my statement that cross-dressing is not about sex (in my defence, I used the word 'solely') means that I cannot link my cross-dressing to what I would like to see in the bedroom without being called a liar. Never stated directly, but as a scared person, I can pick up on that kind of social cue with relative ease.

According to Tilly, yes: intrinsically. Also, perverted and
wrong. And no, never. She will not take part.
I did manage to get out that I like the idea of 'submissive' stuff in the bedroom, but with the caveat that I would make a miserable long-term or even 'proper' sub as I tend to like being in control (topping from the bottom if you will). I mentioned spanking and bondage. Tilly made it clear, ish, that I was unlikely to ever find myself tied to a bed and whipped by her - which is fine, but not quite what I said - and then we hit on something. I voiced my fear that if I asked for something she would say no, and that might be something I held important. Tilly said she had faced that already. I asked. The third child.

Ah.

Ah, yes, the chinchilla.

She's right though, I did feel nagged. But I did it
anyway.
The third child was still something she wanted and she didn't realise that when she'd agreed at the beginning of our relationship that she wanted to have two children that this was some kind of binding contract. She was left, after the birth of the Boy, with the distinct impression that she was not done having children. She understood that my reasons for not having a third child were reasonable and her reasons were not and that was why she never spoke of it so that she wasn't pressuring me. She just has to come to terms with the fact that the only way she will have a third child is with someone else but that she doesn't want to leave me. And she feels guilty that I was not ready for either of the children we do have and is mindful of that - she apparently still feels guilt (and this was the first time she has expressed it to my knowledge) that she nagged me into buying the chinchilla. Then she started crying and explained this as another reason she doesn't talk about it because it is too emotional and she knows I won't change my mind.

Hard to find an image of lesbians that wasn't pandering to male
pornography. In the end I settled for an image of just two
lesbians. I think these are actors though.
After that I suggested that this lack of transparency was part of the problem with sex. I also pointed out that I was inexperienced enough that I did not know what was 'right' to ask for - what is socialisation and what is genuine, what is acceptable and what is pornification, what is actual desire and what is the simulation of what I think ought to happen - and listed items as being blow-jobs (she pulled a face) and mutual masturbation. Tilly reminded me that she had done all of that with girlfriends already. All of that. Everything. Oh.

See, the last time I raised sex with her I was firmly put in my place that she had only had sex once with one man and it was a poor affair. No, see, I view, have always viewed, oral sex as, well, sex. It has sex in the name after all. So... Yes. Apparently she has had oral sex (giving and receiving) with multiple female partners quite a lot before me. So much for her only allowing me to go down on her because she thinks I like it. No, she stated that she did enjoy oral sex with previous female partners. That stung a bit actually, but only in retrospect.

You may have one of these for yourself
already actually. I thought the concept
a helpful one. Tilly disagrees.

But she would.
She said she might try oral on me, and maybe other things, but that she would likely be poor at it and this would increase the chances that she would give up or not be interested. Right.

Eventually, as I continued to fail to actually ask for things, she set a date to talk about my sex map (a concept I thought would help, but Tilly maintains would be less than useless as she would reject everything on the map, and she has looked at it in detail, unless she was 'in the mood' and, even then., may reject things on the grounds that it is new) instead of a date for sex. In other words, to use the 'mood' as prescribed by calendar (days when she is not writing with her buddy and her period is over) to discuss potential sex in the "right frame of mind".

There was also the thing where Tilly claimed that my inability to be direct led her to feeling ambushed, until I pointed out that going round the houses as I did was the opposite of being ambushed as she could figure out the general direction of the conversation long before anything transpired if she cared to do so. She agreed, but persisted that I was ambushing her in such situations because she may not know the eventual destination. The destination, she acceded, that I was unlikely ever to reach anyway. So, still not an ambush.

I get the feeling that this may be a set up.

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