Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Who is in the mirror?

Oh I would love this to be the view
in the mirror.
Several people talking about identity and self-image at the moment and so, obviously, I've been analysing it as well. Because everyone needs to know my thoughts on the matter. I am trying a lager from the Galloway, which is nice, and it's hopped so it's really a very light ale. So there. Did you know that units in the UK are based on ale that is just 3.5% ABV? I did not.

I registered with a doctor's surgery at long last today. Prompted by the trips to the hospital with Tilly and by feeling the elbow I fell on a few months ago and realising that the bone isn't straight any more, there are lumps and bumps there and feeling it made me feel a bit sick and gave me pins and needles. I maybe ought to have that checked out, but I haven't done any work or marking yet and I'm feeling rubbish again. During the registration I did wonder just how much to reveal. I told them about the depression but not about the transvestism but part of me wanted to tell them about the sexlessness because I feel entitled and my immense throbbing privilege needs to be acknowledged I suppose.

Yes, I have been watching Dylan Moran stand-up again. I may be talking like him but in a text format. I suspect it doesn't work so well anyway.

And there was a dream.

Yes, like this.
It was the sort of dream that I haven't really been having lately. Long story short I was in a long-term submissive relationship with a Domme who was also my ex-newbie from work. What is particularly worrisome is that this very much fit her personality. I was voluntarily limiting food intake and toilet breaks based on rules laid down by her. Also, unconnectedly, I was wearing a bridle for part of the dream with blinkers. It was... an odd dream. Part of it, I know, is using the websites I've been using (there's a story over on mcstories.com called 'the Attachment' and I've been tinkering with something called The Proctor) - which carry themes of control by another (voluntary and otherwise) and there's definite areas of domination. My ex-newbie has also shown a few NSFW tendencies in terms of her sex life, no details you understand but I suspect that she is very much in charge in her sex life and that, if I were to ask, I'd get reasonably honest answers that I probably don't want to hear - hence why I haven't asked.

My favourite shot of the night.
I felt very much at home like this.
And this sort of thing has me wondering about who I am in the mirror. I took pictures of me in a dress and in a skirt. And you know, I look back at those pictures and I actually don't look totally awful. Part of that is the fact that there is no face in them. My smile tends to make me look like I have rigour mortis or at least ten years older. Either way, my face is not good for smiling. Frowning makes me look dark and angry, which I guess is what frowning is all about. Also, there is the small matter of cyber-sex: I have done this with men and women now but, in all cases, as a woman. Part of that is the dishonesty - it turns out I have a real ability to front and present as something that I am not - but part of it is the fact that it may well constitute cheating. On what I'm not certain any more.

No, that's mansplaining. I am cheating on my wife and on the vows we made when we first got together (let's not bother with the stupidity of pretending that a marriage ceremony means anything extra to those initial vows and sex) and when we first had sex. I am cheating on her just as much as my father cheated on my mother. Difference is simply that I am doing it in a way that is hard to trace and in a way that allows me to be anything I would like to be. And the same is true for my partners I suppose, though in both cases I suspect that they are much what they claim to be.

I don't like looking in the mirror. I don't like what I see.

I would prefer to see this. No, really.


  1. I haven't gotten too far into The Attachment yet. I am up to the point where he was fucking the woman from work, and it was supposed to be a dream for the both of them. I really don't know where it is going to go from there, and its why I haven't gone further. Seems like it is going to start to turn into a horror movie as opposed to erotic literature.

    Hope you have a Happy New Year and a much better one sexually!

    1. The Attachment does take a different turn after that, but it's not so much horror as thriller. It fails on the Feminist narrative, but the premise does rather hinge on the wish-fulfillment aspect of things so I shouldn't expect too much :)

      Thank you for the good wishes, I hope so too, but I'm not holding my breath. Have my best wishes for an excellent 2015 in return!

  2. Maybe this will be ‘mansplaining’, but I’m getting stuck on the idea of cheating by having cyber sex. I think this really stretches the idea of ‘cheating’ to the breaking point. Yes, you are being intimate with another person, but that’s just a matter of degree. You are being intimate with all of us here by sharing your deeper thoughts. Is this cheating?

    I know that your wife doesn’t seem to want intimate physical contact with you or others. But surely she can understand that there is a spectrum of physical desire and need. She can’t expect you to be in the very same place as her. The fact that you aren’t going out and being physically intimate with another person is something to be admired. If going online and being sexually explicit with a stranger (or at least only with a ‘cyber’ friend) helps you maintain that line of no physical intimacy with her, wouldn’t she support that?

    I’m trying to think of an example where I could see a line that I wouldn’t cross with someone I loved. An act that they could commit that I would call ‘cheating’. Honestly, beyond physical intimacy, I can’t come up with one. If someone I love has a desire that I don’t share and they find a way to express that desire with someone else online, then I’d be thankful that they could find that outlet. There isn’t much that I wouldn’t be open to at least trying, but let’s go with something I find particularly distasteful… golden showers. I don’t want to give one and I certainly don’t want to receive one. I can’t imagine being talked into participating in a golden shower experience even by someone I deeply love. So if she can have her desire at least partially sated by participating in a virtual golden shower online… well that would be a good thing. She can stay with me, love me, participate in all other manner of things with me, and still sate a desire that she has. One that I can’t meet.

    To go to another extreme, there are people that even allow the barrier to physical intimacy to fall away. People like Leeanne or Saragirl… sissies that allow their wives to be physically intimate with a man (I’d say ‘another’ man, but that’s not how they perceive their physical reality).

    I don’t’ know… maybe that’s what ‘mansplaining’ is. Giving reasons for not being exactly what a woman wants you to be. Admitting that there are emotional, spiritual, and yes even physical needs out there, and that all of these needs cannot be met by the one you love and choose to be with.

    I just don’t see cyber sex as cheating. Not in this circumstance.

    1. It's an interesting take. And I take your point. And, first things first, thank you!

      Tilly has previously voiced concern over reading textual porn/erotica sites (think Fictionmania or mcstories without her knowing the names) as potentially emotionally cheating. She has caught glimpses of milovana stuff before now and voiced a lot of concern over that. It is a worrisome thing that she'd rather I didn't do because I would be investing a part of myself with strangers.

      On those notes, cyber sex is totally cheating in her book.

      And yes, I know Leeanne and Saragirl have these relationships. I have previously suggested to Tilly that she find a man that she *does* wish physical intimacy with because I am not providing her with something along the line.

      No, wait, she's perfectly happy with the level of intimacy. The recent hospitalisation and resultant fall-out means that I can't push for sex again, and so I guess she's happy with that. She has apologised, quite a lot at the beginning of December, for not being able to have sex. The problem lies, now, with me. Will I still be able to get excited for her? The longer the situation continues, the more I condition myself through sites already mentioned and the less able I am to finish my own job in the bedroom. I can help her finish, easily, but I'm the one who has trouble going all the way.

      Now that, what I've just said, *that's* mansplaining.


All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!