Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Turning Towards

I dunno, this looks like a prelude to rape rather than a tender
relationship to me. I think it's the bloke's haircut.
There's an article about this that I've read but it was recently brought back to my attention. And I want to say, at the outset, that the problem here (if there is one) with 'turning toward' is most likely with me. This is especially clear this weekend, Tilly has been down to London for an exhibition with her friend online following an offer of a book... I'm gabbling. First, the article. It's a very good article, despite the click-bait title and, although it says nothing new, it says it clearly and well.

Recently, Tilly has made a bit of splash in her writerly life - she's been asked by a huge blog to do guest posts and now has an offer of a book on the table. A reputed publisher (who, incidentally, 12 year old me wanted to write a book for) is extending their remit into earlier and non-warfare history and they have spotted Tilly's blog and so have encouraged her to propose a book to them. Her friend has also been offered the same and, being without children and writing full-time, has already made a proposal and been offered a contract. This latter point has knocked Tilly a bit and she is in a funk. I can see why, this friend tends to out-do or out-shine pretty much everything Tilly does (in Tilly's eyes).

#Lon-don Nights: it's a party time#
The London trip was arranged and was, originally, designed to last all day. I'll admit that I was looking forward to a normal day with the Boy and then an evening free. I could get some marking done cross-dressed and have a bit of an evening. Out of the blue, Tilly texted from London saying they were coming back for 7pm, being the Boy's bedtime. They arrived back at 6.30pm. I'll admit that I was a tad  bummed by this news. What does that say about me? Nothing good I'd wager.

Tilly has been very ill since that Monday. Something we did caused it (no, it's not an STI). She languished with it for the week then finally went to the Doctor's on the following Sunday where she got anti-biotics. These had side-effects and, I'm sorry, I called it; Tilly was worse on them than she was off them. I mean, they cured the problem, but she suffered with aches, pains and worse until the course was done. She's also spent the week saying how sad she is that we can't repeat what happened on the Monday. She's also mentioned, often enough, that she's 'due on'. I rather suspect that this will occur and then there will be something else, like last time, that breaks it for Tilly and there will be nothing.

So, how much of this is down to my behaviour? I've said before on here that I find things difficult when in... hold on. TMI.

Either me or her, meh, never going to
happen anyway.
So, mid-way in coitus I will admit that I find things hard. I'm perfectly at home giving and doing things for Tilly but I lack the wherewithal to ask for anything in return. I find it hard, really hard, to finish off and, often, Tilly ends up crossing her legs and just letting me get on with it. How hard must that be for her? Having a partner who can't open up and loosen up even in sex? This is our relationship. I lack the confidence to bring things up about sex and my own predilections as Tilly has previously been quite clear and open about what she thinks about bondage and cross-dressing, for example, and so I'm pretty certain that saying anything about what I would like to try will be met with a polite, perhaps even loving, refusal. We'd be back to square one.

In short, I find it hard to 'turn towards'. I often find myself interpreting silly little actions as though Tilly has done them on purpose or as part of a wider scheme to make me feel crap. I mean, I could say that this was a consequence of having learned that there was a campaign by Tilly like that in revenge for something or other, I never did find what. And she did, she piled on the little things to try and overload me (and succeeded by the by). But even if I have a legitimate reason, it still doesn't change the fact that, no, there is no campaign against me. The article suggests that couples that don't 'turn towards' often are the ones that will end up loveless or broken. And, lo, we are there in many ways. Rather than being happy to have my wife back early I am slightly put out that I haven't had a chance to cross-dress.

Hell, last night I was out at an actual pub having an actual drink - something I have never been able to do - through the kindness of Tilly. I get to socialise at work and stay there till late without recrimination and often active support from Tilly. The day was fine, by the way, the Boy and I had a very companionable time doing, well, not a lot.

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All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!