Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Friday, 21 November 2014

Rewriting History

If it please you, I'd like to rewrite history...

Oddly enough, most images of female STEM people still show
them in suits. So... no, shirts with women in bondage gear are
not normal get-up. Equally, any woman in a STEM career who
chose to dress in those outfits would be sacked.

So, it's okay for a man to wear the images, but not women to
dress that way. Right. Also, yes, I would be her.
Shirtstorm. I've been vaguely uncomfortable since the apology. Let me explain: I barely noticed the initial furore and then, when the bloke apologised, looked at the situation and figured: "well, mistake made, what a decent chap to apologise. Doesn't solve the background noise of sexism in STEM, but at least a move in the right direction. Now, about that comet..." And I figured that that would be that. Then the backlash. And I watched several people I really respect saying awful things about the evil Feminazis (some of the people saying this are Feminists too) who had forced this nice young man to apologise over nothing. And I was uncomfortable. I couldn't quite work out why. Luckily, better writers than I were able to give words to my discomfort: Chris Brecheen.

I don't think I know anyone directly who has suffered or
died, but plenty of people do.

So this seems a worthwhile thing, you know?
So, after reading the article, I chatted to Tilly about it, the backlash and what it said about sexism in society. Somehow we got talking about it in light of Transgender Remembrance Day and, in that, we discussed the validity of female-only spaces and whether or not they should discriminate against trans-women for safety. Tilly opined the usual line that men who transition provide cover for serial rapists and paedophiles who would use 'being a woman now' as camouflage to get into changing rooms - what about the children!? We discussed it, I debunked it (not to her satisfaction, it's not that she thinks these things, but she can see why others can...) and then we got to the thorny issue of relationships with TG people. Tilly brought up that it wasn't so much that TG people were TG but the deception that came with not being open with partners that would likely cause problems, as well as the deception in a wider sense with onlookers. I pointed out that the real deception would be an MTF or FTM TG person masquerading as the gender they didn't feel a part of rather than the other way around.

Unsure if...
Tilly thought for a moment, but was unconvinced. Okay, said I, what about people that aren't trans but wish to simply dabble. She spotted I was talking about me. We discussed briefly, she felt I was 'niggling' at her: "this is why I don't like discussing this, I always feel you're waiting to tell me I'm wrong" she said. Then claimed I had deceived her when we met. I had not "been clear" in telling her I cross-dressed due to my "tone of voice" and "use of language". I pointed out I had been "bloody clear" several times and that I wrote it down for her as an important thing before we were married. She dismissed this, no, the words I used did not indicate that, she thought it was a joke. My tone of voice indicated it was frivolous, not something deep-seated.

We ended the conversation.

Mind you, as an historian, I know that only
historians can re-write the past. In that sense
we seem as powerful as Him Upstairs. We
can change history in a way He tends not to.

This is a female historian.

I identify with female historians.

Go figure.
This is re-writing history. I have related on here a previous admission that she would never have paid attention because she didn't want to know, that she was angry because she wanted to convince herself that it wasn't real and had ignored my hints to the contrary. Hell, when we first met and I challenged her drinking she said "I don't talk to my parents about you being a cross-dresser, so I don't think it's fair to talk to yours about my drinking" - if that's not an equivalence with her drinking, and thus accepting my cross-dressing was ongoing, I don't know what is. No, we're re-writing that part of the past to once again protect Tilly from feeling that she was ever in the 'wrong' - I am at fault for not being clear.

Later on, Tilly is ill again, she was apologising for being ill. I told her not to be so silly, she is ill, no need to apologise! She said she was apologising for the effects on me. I pooh-poohed it on the grounds that listening to her complain and picking up some slack around the house was hardly on a par with being doubled up in pain. Tilly pressed, "no, I mean I want to have sex again and I can't". Well, thought I, that came out of the blue. And, again, history is re-written. Tilly has never refused sex and never will. The huge gaps? Implicitly down to me rather than her, she wants sex so it must be me that has prevented it. But, again, she's been ill on and off, or on the blob, since April 2013. Two occasions since then (and I complain about neither session) is hardly what she seems to be claiming it is.

This is what I meant when I was talking about 'turning toward'. I find it very hard to be charitable and nice about these re-writes of our relationship. I see conspiracy and duplicity where there is probably only fear and genuine confusion. I'd say something like "who can blame me?" but then I'm hijacking the narrative. I suspect I've done that already, come to think of it.

In other news, I appear to have cleavage. My body fat has chosen beneath my nipples as well as a paunch to collect and I still have a pigeon chest with a wishbone. I look like I have A cup breasts.

Not far off actually. I have more hair. Body hair.

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