Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Monday, 20 October 2014

Explosions

Laugh? I thought I'd die.

It exploded. Well, no, I made a comment to Tilly about being frustrated with the children behaving like ill-mannered animals, something like "when did basic stuff become a battlefield?" and got told "That's what you were like with this headache". Non-sequitor? I called it and got a further lambasting for being irritable and angry over the last few days. I responded that I was bored of having throwaway comments responded to with how I have a problem.

Is this how it ends? Pools of glass and four thousand years of
radiation?

Tilly was angry back. I lashed out with a "once every 7 months as an average is probably a root cause for frustration and anger". Eventually we started on that. In the course of a long discussion she suggested I just "find someone else to have sex with" and maybe I ought to "consider getting it somewhere else". She then had the temerity to be offended when, after these comments, I suggested that she might have what she wanted in children and have never really wanted sex with me anyway. It gets better. She offered non-coitus actions, I queried this and, eventually, got the answer that she was just offering a hand-job. When I posited that this was unlikely to do the job she responded that I had previously said that sex wasn't all about the climax. I was angry. I said, honestly, that if she'd offered a hand job two years ago then maybe I would be interested, in the meantime, I'd be more likely to get release from myself thanks very much. At this she cried. She fucking cried.

The effects of my self-loathing. Let's just ignore the part where
Tilly claims to be compassionate is to build up the self-esteem
of others and skip to the part where she never does with me.
Because I'm a fucking doormat, apparently.

I was the bad guy. Apparently my low self-esteem and self-hatred had killed "us" back before we were married and then any sign of anything like that caused Tilly to retreat ever since. I called this in my last post on this subject. I hate being right.

She ended up making it a choice between her dreams and my needs. She can't write and self-actualise; be a parent to our children and do anything romantic with me - we get two of the three that's all. She admitted that she had cut down time with her writer friend online to spend more time with me but had then committed that time to her novel instead, a conscious decision she said. By the end of the conversation, I'd agreed to sit down and work through her novel with her and the offer of a hand job was off the table. She wins. Again.


I'm a fucking doormat.

2 comments:

  1. If I’m being out of place in this comment then please feel free to ignore it. Better yet, if it’s not appropriate then please feel free to delete it.

    I can only comment on long term relationships as an interested (and sometimes not interested) third party. But one thing I’ve noticed in all of the successful long term relationships I’ve seen is this: Each member of the couple is only happy when the other member of the couple is happy. The reason for one individuals unhappiness isn’t important; personal, interpersonal, irrational, work, family. For whatever reason, when one member of the couple is unhappy, the attached member is also unhappy.

    I’m not saying that their own internal happiness only arrives from their partner’s happiness, but when they see that their partner is unhappy, they can’t achieve happiness until their partner is also happy. This of course is hardest when they are arguing as they are each causing the other unhappiness. I think my parents are a good example here. My father could be having a ‘good’ week. Good times at work, good times with friends, good times with my brothers and I. Life is good. Except my mother would be having a bad time at work. Just something between her and a co-worker. Nothing to do with my father, and nothing he could do to ‘fix’. But nonetheless, he couldn’t be truly happy because she wasn’t happy. He’s therefore strive to make everything good for her in every other aspect of her life.

    Even when visiting with married friends I see this. I of course want to visit with them and have a good time. But for one reason or another, one of the couple is unhappy. It’s not as though I can take the other one out and have a good time with just him/her. They won’t be happy either.

    It’s that feature that I don’t seem to see with you and your wife. It’s not just about the sex (or lack thereof), although that is also an incompatibility that I don’t understand. You seem to be happy, or at least happier, when she is also happy. She seems to be happy in spite of you NOT being happy. Just consider the two big examples that you often talk about here: Your desire to cross dress, and your desire for sex. The status of both situations cause you uneasiness at best and downright sadness at worst. The status of both situations doesn’t seem to bother her unless they are brought into the light of day and acknowledged.

    You don’t have sex. You suffer. She carries on. You can’t dress and can’t discuss dressing. You suffer. She carries on.

    I’m not trying to offer a solution. I don’t have anything close to that. I’m just offering an observation. I just want to see you happy.

    C

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whilst I would quibble whether or not I 'suffer' over being 'discomforted' I totally accept what you're saying, and no, you are not speaking out of turn. You say pretty much what I have been fearing a little, but that doesn't make you any less correct.

      And regarding sexual incompatibility - I didn't believe this was actually I thing, I just assumed that everyone had to work to fit in with their partners and that both sides would slowly learn how to be compatible with one another. I genuinely believed that a loving couple would do that for one another. I thought I would be the sticking point, but in terms of being slower to adapt. Not like this.

      In amongst the back and forth, Tilly did state that we "love each other, but aren't in love" and dated 'not being in love' to before we married. It was... a painful revelation, something I've long suspected, but had hoped was untrue. It means my greatest fear (well, one of them) is actually reality - I made a mistake with marriage. Our eldest was a mistake, but not in the normal sense. If I could turn back the clock I would let Tilly split up with me for ridiculous reasons that first Christmas. But I can't. I fought for her then and won. More's the pity, I guess, more's the pity.

      At present she's 'playing nice' and being cheerful. Very cheerful. And it's fear. But she has nothing to fear at all.

      I know, for example, that very very few, vanishingly few, women are attracted to the idea of having a cross-dresser as their mate (I'd posit more women would be happy with MTF trans* people than cis gender male cross-dressers). Those that there are probably met someone they loved before they reached an age where I would be interested in them (like late twenties to mid thirties). So... me leaving would be me leaving to a life of loneliness and celibacy.

      And for what? I'd miss time with my children, we'd lose the house and I would likely be unable to function in any job, being still close to the tendrils of Western depression as a privileged white middle-class male. My life would be much worse as a consequence of a marriage breakdown. Her fear is unfounded and illogical. Feelings often are.

      And no, she's right, I'm not in love with her, I guess. Not any more. There's been no effort to 'woo' me since at least the wedding (2008) and none of my efforts since then have worked on her so... Yeah. Am I surprised we're sexless? No. Do I think it will change? No.

      And you're correct.

      Despite the tone of my reply, thank you for the comment. Honestly, sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.

      Joanna

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!