|I'd say "isn't it odd" about compassion being two|
women, but, actually, perhaps it isn't.
|Hell-fire. If I could dress like this for the|
day I wouldn't mind so much.
At the moment I have a cold, nothing too terrible, but enough to give me a massive headache and make my nose run all night. Joy. It has also meant a day in pyjamas, not something that I normally do, and feeling rubbish without getting the mountain of work built up from the week done.
And why is there a mountain of work? Simple. I'm lazy and I've been incredibly angry since about Wednesday.
On Wednesday evening I was perusing one of my posts on this Sexless Marriage place as someone had dug it up from the depths of September and was bugged by the list of times that Tilly and I had been intimate physically. Something wasn't adding up. Feeling generally put out, mainly due to a headache and reading about GamerGate idiocy, I looked up some texts on the way to work in the morning. Yeah, Tilly and I did not have sex between August 2010 and April 2013. That would be the August that she told me that she only had sex to stop me moaning about it being two years, you can imagine how that still makes me feel, and the April where things went well enough but I found it hard to complete the process with just Tilly. I'd been feeling guilty about that again, but this... well, it sort of explains why. She and I hadn't had meaningful sex since before she fell pregnant with our eldest in August 2007. We were married in August 2008 and next had sex, three times, to conceive our youngest in September 2009 - violent and mechanical sex in which it was all about having another child with very little discussion or, well, anything.
|And if I could only work out how much she wants paid|
and in what currency...
Another reason I was upset was because of what else was going on at that time. In July 2011 Tilly had to confront that I was an active cross-dresser. It had already been 11 months. And it would be another twenty before we did again. She blamed me, throughout my own therapy that followed (and hers) for everything that was wrong in our relationship. Because I was depressed I believed her. I got a document from her that I shared with my own therapist entitled "What is wrong with our relationship" that I had been urged to get given my own cluelessness. I remember that I disagreed with most of what was said in it and that my therapist essentially told me that it didn't matter if I agreed or not, that was what my wife thought.
|I'd have taken this, you know, happily.|
She called me her third child.
And it all came crashing in on Thursday morning on the way to work, listening to the Pet Shop Boys in the car. How she had called off the sex in May 2013, when I got the job, because of the stress of moving. "We'll do it again after we move" she promised. And, after we'd moved, things did not improve. Once again I did not do enough around the house, but by now I had thrown in the towel on the pet. Tilly had said that the reason she had been so mean was because she was punishing me for my lack of doing anything with our eldest when she was born. The baby I wasn't allowed to hold or comfort or play with or read to for very long due to Tilly's paranoia. I wasn't doing enough to help Tilly out. And she was being crawled all over every minute of the day and night. Another excuse for the lack of sex, even after I took over co-sleeping duties with the Boy, has been "I've been crawled all over all the time, I don't fancy it again from you" or "I just don't want to be touched for a bit". She hates me rubbing any part of her body for any reason because it makes her feel sick.
And, on Thursday morning, I realised it all at once and it made me very upset.
It's been Tilly's birthday and I wanted to make sure that some distance was put between that and my bringing these things up, or else I would be accused of deliberately sabotaging her happiness (and not for the first time). So, when I was being frown-y and angry on Thursday evening I was careful to keep mumbling about work deadlines. Tilly then played a blinder - "Well, this does happen every year about this time. Would it be best if I just steered clear from you for a bit, or else it'll become about me like it always does even when it's nothing to do with me."
And, just like that, I was shot down. Again.
On Friday it was just the thumping headache and the dull realisation that I had been beaten again. We watched a DVD together (Pan's Labyrinth as it happens) and I noticed that Tilly was avoiding being hugged or touching even though we were sat together on the sofa. I went to bed early, at her urging, and she followed me... some three hours later.
Today, spending all day in pyjamas and hating myself for it, she expressed mock-surprise that I was still in them. "Do you disgust yourself?" she asked jocularly. I replied honestly. "Oh," she said. She has also been at pains to be affectionate and helpful all day, which has been nice, but is notable for the fact that she hasn't had to touch me in any way. Very easy to be affectionate when there's no pressure, I suppose.
Okay, this is rambley and long and self-indulgent, I shall bring it to a close.