Words of warning and welcome:

This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. Obviously it started out as a blog about my cross-dressing but it has developed a great deal since then. It is a place where I can be anonymous and honest, and I appreciate that.

It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the New Readers' Page above this and the tag down there on the right. Although there's nothing too bad in here there will be adult language, so be careful. If you think this needs a greater control, please let me know. Thank you!

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Camisoles

Not quite this bright or transparent, but
close enough. It's been... well, lovely
actually.
I wore the cami for the night, because I felt so much more... hugged with it on. And then I wore it all today too. In fact, I didn't take it off at all until tonight because we were out and I got soaked and it soaked through. It didn't smell, didn't feel weird at all, just nice. I looked a little to see if I could find a floral cami online - the one I was wearing was pink - but didn't have much luck. I shall have to look around in some actual physical shops.

But why wear it? Why did it help? In the midst of reading about GamerGate, attacks on females online and general rising misogyny I have been getting angry. A debate the other night on the Book of Faces with someone who was always just a few words from "I'm not a racist but..." when discussing the 'problems' of immigration left me riled too. At work some students behaved badly and like, well, like GamerGate style trolls but in real life. In the wake of that Grayson Perry article and the assembled pieces in the magazine I bought that was hard to deal with. Basically, I'm feeling a bit rubbish. I haven't marked properly. Wearing the camisole and feeling embraced by it helped. In the absence of any real loving contact from Tilly it did the job a little.

Like this. Obviously.
If I thought I could get away with it, I would wear my nightie to bed. I'd order a full length one with sleeves for warmth, and flowers on it because I like flowers, and I would wear that for winter. But even with separate sheets (Tilly wraps hers around her like a cocoon) I know I can't get away with that. I may end up wearing a purple cami tomorrow beneath my shirt. I'm almost tempted to wear my purple tights too, but that may be a step too far and I need to concentrate on marking. And other aspects of my job.

In many ways I'm feeling more Joanna now than normal, but with less ways to indulge that part of myself.

And, finally, I may share this blog with someone I know and respect IRL. We'll see. Probably not, as usual, there's too much whining about my marital situation at present for me to seriously contemplate letting someone who knows both of us in real life read the blog. Not because anything I've said is untruthful, rather because there's honesty here. And, if I were to share this place, I would probably feel the need to prune things back, maintain a few paper walls and fences.

At the same time, I did tell an ex-colleague about what's going on. Oh, I don't know.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling good lately Joanna. At the same time I’m glad that wearing the cami helped. It’s funny how such a small thing (at least in the grand scheme of things), can be such a boost. I’m curious why the tights would be a step too far. Is it that they’d make you feel too ‘Joanna’? Is it that you’d be afraid of being seen?

    As much as I try to be all about sharing and openness, I’m not sure that sharing this blog with someone that close would be a good idea. I know for my own part, when I write down my thoughts I am trying to figure stuff out. To do that, I try to be as open as possible… and that level of openness requires me having no hesitation in writing things down. Yes, we’re both sharing parts of our lives with other people, but they are people that we don’t have to look into the eye and wonder what they are thinking. I care deeply about you, Dee, and others that are welcome to my thoughts… but it’s a vastly different relationship than someone I share a workspace, meal, or life with. The very closeness of those other relationships almost requires a bit of distance in our ‘deeper’ thoughts.

    Dee had a conversation on her blog once that this reminds me of. I think the question was something like “would you want to know the deepest fantasies of those closest to you?”. While I couldn’t really form my thoughts into words for that post, I think this is part of my thinking… no. I don’t mind sharing those deepest fantasies with ‘strangers’… even strangers that I care about… but I wouldn’t want to know that type of thing about a person I hang out with.

    And most of all… I think this is a very healthy thing. Posting ‘openly’ about your deepest thoughts. It lets you vent out frustrations without life altering consequences, and lets you figure out problems and issues in your life that don’t always make sense. If you start self editing those thoughts down, you won’t get all the benefits.

    I’m sorry I haven’t commented here in a long while. I have been reading along, but have found it hard to share my opinion. I’ll try to not let that vague confused feeling keep me from chiming in more often!

    C

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, seriously, thank you.

      And yes, I know what you mean. Still, I have the sneaking suspicion that this person is also a transvestite and may actually 'get' what's on here. Ah, that's just me being selfish, I know. And I totally get your 'strangers' thing!

      Tights are a bit of a risk because they feel so nice, they may distract me from work.

      And, at present, I'm feeling super angry. I... may have broken a couple of tables at work. And... well... someone (two someones) saw me kick a chair and came to check that I was okay. That was... embarrassing. Yeah, I'm not in the best of places.

      Delete

All comments are welcome, I have a thicker skin virtually than I do in real life!